I AM SICK AND TIRED...

of WOMEN that have a lot of guy friends.  I just don't understand it.  It's bullshit.  Get yourself some GOD DAMNED girlfriends!  The guys don't want to hang out with 1 girl and 15 dudes.  It's not fun.  If you want to hang out, bring 10 girls with you and we won't complain.  15 guys competing for the same girl is a BLOODY, murdering mess.  There needs to be a good ratio for a gathering to be enjoyable, otherwise the men are unhappy.  Women constantly say, "I'm one of the guys."  Or they tell me, " Oh, I totally act like a dude."  Or my favorite, "Girls suck, they're so annoying... I'd rather hang out with guys."  I mean really... Enough is enough.

First off, YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THE GUYS.  If you were, you would have a THIRD leg... otherwise known as a PENIS.  And if you were such a dude, you wouldn't shave your legs and you'd be rocking the 5 o'clock shadow on your face.  I think that would be cool because I've always wanted to hang out with a bearded lady, but in that case you would probably join the circus instead of hanging with me.  Secondly, YOU DO NOT ACT LIKE A DUDE.  If you did, you would never call me... and you'd watch sports all the time... and you'd drink SCOTCH without cringing... and you'd smoke cigars.  Also, you wouldn't cry like a GIRL when I give you a surprise DEAD-LEG.  And another thing, if we got into a fight, I would be able to punch you in the face without facing criminal charges.  Finally, you are correct... Girls can be annoying.  And yes some of them do suck... but let's be honest here, they can't all be that bad.

Women just love having guy friends.  They love competing with them.  They always want to drink as much as you do.  By the way, if you are drinking like one of the guys, you probably drink too much.  Traditionally men are larger than you, so if you are consuming the same amount of alcohol or more than a dude, you are most likely A MESS.   Nobody wants to see a sloppy chick falling all over herself in the bar.  Who wants to take a chick home that can't function?  Some guys might, but they belong in a little place known as THE BIG HOUSE... aka THE STATE PENITENTIARY.

I'm not sure if they realize this, but if you are even a remotely attractive female... ALL OF YOUR GUY FRIENDS WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.  If not, they're either not attracted to you or gay.  I'm sorry, but it's a FACT.  Why do you think every guy you date gets jealous and HATES it when you have guy friends?  No man in his right mind wants to think about his girl hanging out with her MANTOURAGE.  Some may call this insecurity; I call it COMMON SENSE.

Over the years I have come to the understanding that women are always going to have SOME guy friends.  And that's okay.  They probably slept with them.  Being comfortable with that as a man is part of the maturing process.  I LOVE WOMEN... so of course I want them to be happy, but not too happy.  I find when women (and men) have everything they want, it never seems to be enough.  Some of the happiest married people go astray.   There is so much infidelity going on in this country it makes me ILL.  Maybe that's just part of a relationship?  Many people just deal with cheating when it happens, and they move forward.  But guess what honey bunches of OATS, NOT ME.  You cheat... BEAT IT.  SCRAM.  I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU.   Someday later on I might be able to forgive you... much later.  The truth is, I will NEVER take you back.  Maybe we can be friends at some point and the new guy you're dating can hate me because he'll always be wondering if we slept together.  Then when he accuses you of hanging out with guys you probably slept with, you'll lie... and so it begins.  Or maybe you'll tell the truth and he'll resent you for it and always be thinking, "Why does my girl want to hang out with her old flames?"

Have you ever brought up a woman in a conversation to a REAL man?  I'm sure you all have.  If this man is STRAIGHT, usually one of the first questions he asks is, "How does she look?"  Or "Is she HOT?"  I do it.  And if you are a normal dude, YOU DO IT.  No guy ever asks, "Where'd she go to school?"...  "What was her major?"... "What part of Virginia is she from?"  They may ask these questions later, but never first.  So ask yourselves this ladies, do you really want to be around someone all day that is trying to figure out a way to get into your pants?  Some women might and that's alright... I guess.  Maybe I'm just immature.  Yeah, that's it.  I'm an infant... A really smart one. 

I happen to be part of a large MANTOURAGE.  About 12-15 of us get together every weekend to play ball and then spend the day having drinks, watching sports and acting like buffoons.  We don't have very many girls around until nighttime.  Every once and while we make exceptions, but truthfully, women complicate things for us.  When they are around, everyone wants to hook up with this one... I got DIBS on that one... This guy's COCKBLOCKING that guy.  We just can't concentrate on the task at hand... acting like DIPSHITS.  It's a fucking mess.  A beautiful mess... Designated to begin after 9pm.

I AM A RESIDENT...

of CALIFORNIA and have been for almost 6 years now.  I've moved around a lot.  My plan was to come out here with 2 duffel bags and couch surf for a few months until I could find a steady job and eventually get my own place.  Well that didn't work out like I'd planned, so I became somebody's house boy instead.  I immediately got a job working outside for a local Landscape Architect building playgrounds, decks, and planting ridiculously large trees for the extremely wealthy folks living in LA county.  I did all this while living in a Guest House on a cliff in Palos Verdes.

In total, I wound up living there for about a year during 2 different stints.  In the middle of my Kato Kaelin period I lived in Santa Barbara for a few months with a couple of friends while working on a project.  So after my final stay in the Guest House I had saved enough money to get my own place.  I moved DOWNTOWN.  My friend and I found a spacey loft to rent in the Historic Arts District just below Little Tokyo.  It was great.  Everything I needed was close by.  The Japanese markets were awesome and kept us eating healthy.  All the best SUSHI in town was less than two blocks away... I was in HEAVEN.

This is where I had my first run-ins with LA's finest people... THE HOMELESS.  If you don't know anything about Downtown LA, it's where SKID ROW is located.  And for you out-of towners that is what you would call HELL ON EARTH.  Skid Row is located between 7th and 4th just below and above ALAMEDA... about 5 blocks from my house.  I always preferred to call it BUM CENTRAL rather than Skid Row, but if you've ever been there you'd think the latter is the appropriate name since everyone there looks like they're on their way out.

Now let me tell you what this place was like... Hundreds of dirty tents line the sidewalks for about a three block radius.  Where the Hell did they get these tents?  Did DICK'S Sporting Goods have an everything must go for free sale?  Blankets and sleeping bags filled with starving people resting on the street.  Drug use runs rampant as well as disease and violence.  This is not a place for any tax paying citizen to be walking at any hour of the day.  It's a sad sight... and if you haven't seen it you should just to see how lucky you really are.  Trust me, if you're ever feeling down on your luck, take a ride through SKID ROW.  That will wake you up... FAST.

While living 5 blocks away from this "other" world I avoided it whenever possible.  I was amazed that the bums weren't always coming into our neighborhood in droves looking for food, cans or any kind of handout, but they rarely did.  They stayed in their area for the most part and kept to themselves.  Don't get me wrong, there was an occasional maniac lurking, but not all the time like I'd expected.  Sometimes a random BUM would come into our alley and gather up as many cans as possible and rummage through the dumpster for clothes and other materials to use for shelter.  There was usually a regular BUM.  I guess it was his block or alleyway because the other randoms only came every once in a blue moon.  They must draw straws to see who gets what alley... I don't know.  To tell you the truth they never bothered me at all.  I actually used to separate my recyclables and put them in a bag next to the dumpster for the local homeless guy, which I'm sure he appreciated.

My point is, it was never a problem.  The bums went about their business and only came during the daytime.  They were rarely making a racket in the dumpster late at night or early in the morning.  If I ran into one of them in the alley I always said hello and they were very polite back.  I stayed Downtown for 2 years and lived in relative peace in harmony with LA's Homeless and HELL was only a few blocks away.

Now I live in Santa Monica.  The beach is right down the street.  I can see the Ocean from my front porch.  The women are beautiful.  The people are polite, the weather is fantastic and everything is accessible.  When I moved here I thought I had escaped the Homeless altogether since the neighborhood was so nice, respectable people walked freely, children were at play, and the streets were so clean.  Boy was I WRONG.  Homeless people in BEACH towns are the WORST.  Honestly, I fucking hate them.

Coming from the East Coast where we put our garbage cans in FRONT of our houses this was some transition.  In many California cities, for anyone that doesn't know, there are alleys between every street.  So behind the houses, large garbage cans (provided by the city) are placed in the alley; one for recycling and one for regular trash.  The garbage trucks come through the alleys and pick up the trash once or twice a week... I've yet to figure out their schedule, but they are loud as hell.  

Even though I want to kill the Garbage Men when they wake me up on random mornings; I can live with it.  What I absolutely can NOT live with is Homeless people that roam up and down the alley at all hours of the night and day fighting for whatever cans they can get.  And when I say fighting, I mean just that.  I have actually seen two BUMS screaming at each other saying, "I got here first MOTHER FUCKER!"  And this shit goes on ALL THE TIME.  Seriously, this should not be happening in a neighborhood where the houses are all over a million dollars and every apartment or condo being rented goes for over 2 grand a month.  

The other night at 3am some DOUCHEBAG BUM was pushing a fucking shopping cart filled with cans through the alley.  I mean come on guy, it's fucking 3am!  I know you have nowhere to live, no money, and no friends but people are SLEEPING for Christ's sake.  Is it really necessary to be inconsiderate when you are Homeless?  I think not.  I know you're probably crazy, but fuck... no wonder you're Homeless.

And what kills me, is that this is a BEAUTIFUL neighborhood.  Driving through it I would never have imagined in a million years that BUMS would rule the alleyways.  Nobody even chases them away.  It really pisses me off.  I think I'm going to set a trap in my trash can so that when they come in the middle of the night or at 5am to sift through it a SHIT BOMB will explode in their faces.  That will keep them away.  I may sound like an asshole here, but I don't give a damn.

And you know what else gets me going... when these poor saps have DOGS.  Where the FUCK do these animals come from?  Are they runaways?  Did they steal them?  How the hell do they feed them when they can't afford to feed themselves?  Those poor mutts.

This is a great country, but a very sad one.  We can't even take care of our own.  We really need to do something about the Homeless.  We need more shelters.  We need more psychiatric hospitals to hold these unfortunate souls.  They definitely should not be roaming the streets and alleys at all hours of the night.  It freaks people out... especially young women, kids, and ME.  I don't have a solution for the problem.  All I know is I want then to stay the FUCK out of my alley.  I guess they live by the code of EARLY BUM GETS THE CAN... and I hate it.

 

I AM CURRENTLY SUFFERING...

from a little illness called THE FLU.  No assholes, not the SWINE FLU...  Although for a second there I drank the Kool-Aid and thought the symptoms were leaning that way, but it's just the plain-old influenza virus.  I rarely get headaches and my head is POUNDING.  Fever?  Haven't had one of those since 5th grade and right now my temperature is approaching at least 102.  Aches and pains.  I feel like a Senior Citizen with arthritis all over my body.  Fuck, I should watch "COCOON".

It all started on Monday.  I felt great that morning.  I had a solid breakfast, drank some green tea and headed to work.  I was fine all day.  Then about a half hour before I was ready to leave work my throat got a little dry.  I thought it was a result of my non-stop talking and drinking over the weekend so I didn't worry about it.  I came home, threw in a load of laundry, and sat down to write the previous blog and noticed that my throat was feeling much drier than before.  I began consuming a ridiculous amount of H2O.  It didn't help.  My throat still didn't hurt but it was now as dry as my Auntie Mary's Banana Bread.  

By the time I finished the blog I remembered thinking, this blog is awful, and I am in big trouble.  I posted it anyway and passed out.  

The next morning I woke up with a fever.  I went to work believing it would pass, worked half the day in MISERY, then went immediately to my Doctor, and sure enough he told me I had THE FLU.  I told him to give me as many drugs as possible to get me better immediately.  And he did just that.  

Being sick sucks.  You can't taste your food.  It's hard to sleep.  Your nose gets all irritated.  Your eyes are either too watery or too dry.  You're lazy.  And as a result of your laziness you eat candy and fast food.  Your body hurts.  Did I say you can't taste your food?... because you CAN'T!  You miss work.  You miss school.  Well the last 2 aren't so bad.  You watch Maury Povich.  Pretty much your life is FUCKED.  Basically when you're sick you become a white-trash, unemployed, Middle-American.

If none of this makes any sense... And I sound like a METH HEAD... It's probably because I have ingested 90% of the over-the-counter ingredients used to make METH...  So bare with me; I'm cracked out over here.

Every time I get sick, which isn't very often, I say the same thing... "I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy."  And you know what; I wouldn't... but I may wish it upon some of my friends.

Whenever someone in your group of friends falls ill, it's in your best interest to convince them to stay the HELL home.  I feel like even when you're sick,  your friends still want you to hang out.  What is up with that?  Do they want us to die?  Do they want our illness?  I can't imagine my presence being that important.  Personally, when any of my friends are sick, I don't want to see any of those BASTARDS until they have been in a decompression chamber for at least a week.  Hanging out with someone blowing green mucous into the sleeve of a Cardigan all night sounds delightful.  I'd rather watch reruns of "The Hills".  

So I missed 2 full days of work, and after sweating profusely in my bed on 3 consecutive nights... I figured it was time to get up and complain about being SICK.  I swear I had planned on writing a Happy Blog this week but of course the Gods had to put a stop to that by slapping me in the face with a hand dipped in INFLUENZA.  I wanted to write about...  I just fell asleep and woke up with drool on my arm.  A few hours passed during what I would call an early-afternoon nap and I've forgotten what this entry was about... it's seems long enough and who says it needs an ending.  I'll come back when I'm feeling better.  I hope none of you get what I have... unless you're one of my friends.

I AM OFFICIALLY OVER...

flying COACH on an airplane.  It actually is a CATTLE CAR.  It's a miserable experience.  Everyone wants to be the first one on the plane.  Everyone wants to be the first one off.  Everyone is stressed.  Everyone is either hung over, anxious, angry or all of the above.  Where are all of the happy people on this planet?  Not on Airplanes, that's for sure... check that... the happy folks are up in FIRST CLASS.  So I would like to review the travel process to understand why people hate flying so much.

It all starts in the Checked Baggage line.  The line is usually absurdly long.  I don't know about you, but I always feel like an IMMIGRANT in a food line right off the boat at ELLIS ISLAND around 1917.  My poor grandparents.  Everyone is FURIOUS, especially since you have to pay to check anything these days.  Then, nobody knows how to use the KIOSK.  This baffles me because the thing is so self explanatory Nicole Richie could figure it out.

After that, we impatiently move to another extremely long line to get through SECURITY.  This part sucks... BIGTIME.  Please take off your shoes.  Take off your hat.  Take your laptop out of your bag.  Remove your CLIT piercing.  Take off your belt.  Your rings.  Your glasses.  Would like a kidney as well?  It's ridiculous.  I am BEGGING some genius out there to invent something that will force security people to leave us alone at the airport.  Or maybe we should all travel naked... or in bathing suits.  No... That would suck since we are the FATTEST country on EARTH.

Look, I understand that security is important especially with the aftermath of 9/11.  I want to feel safe like everyone else, but there has to be a better way.

Okay moving along...  Now you arrive at your GATE and if you are going to any major city there is rarely a place to sit.  This part doesn't piss me off.  I'd rather be standing away from everyone else anyhow.  So I wait patiently until they call my row to board the plane.  And during that time I look around carefully to see who I HOPE is sitting next to me.  Hopefully the hot brunette in the corner reading a book, not the loud blonde yapping on her phone but I'll take it over a sniffling single Mom with a crying baby in her lap.  At this point I would settle for anyone that won't be crying and is under 200lbs.  Once they make the call, people will run over you to get on first.  It's like everyone is scared SHITLESS that their carry-ons won't fit in the over-head compartment... or maybe they're giving out free WHOPPERS with cheese to the first ones on.  I eat that shit as little as possible so I walk slowly to the line, but I still feel like I'm in a battle scene from "300".  Now here's the kicker... when you're making your way to the plane you start to have anxiety wondering which one of these idiots is sitting next to YOU.

So you get to your seat, throw your carry-on up top, sit down and WAIT.  Like Tom Petty said, "The WAITING is the hardest part" and God Damn was he right.  You then watch all of the people with babies getting on the plane and pray that they are in the last row in the back.  People sniffling with tissues in hand stroll by.  Whew.  A 350 pound man follows.  SHIT.  Not cool.  For him or me any way we look at it.  And what the hell is that dude doing in COACH?  I don't want to make the guy feel bad, but FUCK... Please walk on by.

It really sucks to have that feeling.  You know, the feeling like you're being a bad human being.  I hate that.  But you know what... I'm sorry... I can't help it.  These feelings are unavoidable on planes.  I am a little man and it's hard for me to fit in the freaking seat.  How in the H-E double hockey sticks is that guy going to fit in TWO of them let alone ONE?

Two years ago while working on film; I flew First Class everywhere.  15 cities in 3 months.  I was spoiled... And it was AWESOME.  It really is a better life up there.  It's so much easier to get through the airport too.  You don't wait in any lines.  Nobody harasses you.  No random checks.  They treat you like you're TOM HANKS.  And most importantly you don't give a SHIT who's sitting next to you on the plane because it could be KING HIPPO and it wouldn't phase you a bit.

On my last two flights I hit the Jackpot.  I had an EXIT ROW on the flight back East with two other little guys and had the privilege of sitting next to a nice young lady on the way back home.  So I guess you just have to get lucky or literally hit the JACKPOT and fly First Class to enjoy yourself in the not-so-friendly skies.