I AM FASCINATED...

by the unbelievably large SQUID that are appearing off the coast of California.  Have you seen them?  If not, Google it because I don't have time to drop the link.  They are GIGANTIC.  I've always liked fried calamari, but I couldn't imagine one of these sonofabitches on my plate.  You'd have to dine on the hood of your car.  These carnivorous cephalopods can weigh up to 100 lbs and squirt nasty ink when they're pissed.  Can you picture yourself jumping into the ocean and seeing these phallic-like creatures swimming toward you?  They look like John Holmes' dong on steroids... with tentacles.  One second you're going for a dip in the ocean, the next you're in a Jules Verne/Michael Crichton novel/70's porno flick.  I would lose it.  Isn't it bad enough we have have sharks to be afraid of?  Granted, shark attacks are highly unlikely... But if one of those suckers ever gets a hold of you... Kiss your ass goodbye.

When I was a kid I loved swimming pools.  At one point we had one of those above ground pools that you've only ever seen on TV in New Jersey.  For me, it was like having the Atlantic Ocean in my little backyard.  Pools are a safe place to swim.  No sharks.  No giant squid.  No waves.  No undertow.  All I had to worry about was my big brother and his friends dunking me.

I remember my parents taking us to the SHORE when we were young.  My brother and I loved the ocean.  Personally, I wasn't a big fan of the sand or too much sun, but the water was my sanctuary.  I thoroughly enjoyed navigating underwater.  I pretended I was a deep sea diver... In 4 feet of water.  Then one weekend in the mid 80's I saw a little film called "JAWS".  Maybe you've heard of it?  And suddenly everything changed.

Even though my father used to swim out as far as he could without getting whistled by the lifeguards; I worried about him.  He's not afraid of anything though.  My old man thinks he can kick a shark's ass.  He probably could.  

As I got older, I went to the beach more often, but shied away from being in the water for long periods of time.  I'm not sure if I was just scared of sharks or more simply... THE UNKNOWN.  The problem with the ocean is... you can't see very far down... Especially off the coasts of the US.  And that scares the shit out of me.

I have the same problem with LAKES.  Lakes are creepy as hell.  One time in High School, I was staying with a friend who lived just outside of Scranton, PA.  There was a huge lake in front of his house.  They had a dock and this awesome homemade raft tied to it.  He and his father built the raft out of wood planks and barrels.  He asked if I wanted to take the raft out.  I said, "Sure" cause I didn't want to sound like a sissy.  So we jump on, untie the rope, grab the oars, and paddle out to the middle of the lake.

It took a while to get out there.  We picked a nice, serene spot and dropped the anchor (yes, this thing had an anchor; it was that big).  If Jack and Rose had this sucker on the Titanic, that bullshit story would have been told from a man's perspective and definitely rated R.

This place was beautiful.  Robert Frost poems were running through my mind.  Other people were far off on boats and rafts.  I was thinking, "Man, this is the life."  We proceeded to take our shirts off to catch the day's last rays of sun because it was going down.  We were out there less than a minute when I said, "What the hell are we supposed to do out here?"  My buddy shrugged his shoulders and said, "Yeah, this sucks... let's head in."  I say "Okay." 

As I turned around to pick up an oar, I hear a splash.  He jumped into the water.  I scream, "Where the fuck are you going?"  He turns to me and says, "Let's swim in... I do it all the time."

"NO FUCKING WAY!" I yell.  "Don't be a pussy" he replies... and starts swimming in.  FUCK!  I was not a happy camper.  There was no way I could paddle this MONSTROSITY to shore by my lonesome; it was a two man operation.  I started to freak out.

As I watched my asshole friend, who was on the swim team by the way, move with relative ease through the water I thought, "You can do this."  Then I looked up and saw how far away the dock was... Bad news.  At the very least it was a quarter of a mile, probably way more.  I'd never swam that far in my life.  My diaper needed to be changed immediately.

I took a deep breath, stepped back, and with a running start dove into the dark abyss.  Honestly, I don't think I looked up once.  I couldn't hear anything but my breathing.  I pushed forward and kept my head moving side to side while my arms made quick strokes.  I was like Michael Phelps cutting through the calm water of a Beijing pool.  I felt like something was chasing me.  I'm obviously insane.  Before I knew it, I was feeling muck and underwater plants touching my arms and legs.  I stopped swimming and stood up.  I was in less than a foot of water and had mud all over me.  The dock was two feet from my face.

Up on the dock my buddy was laughing hysterically.  I looked up, shot him a death stare and said, "Go FUCK yourself."  He looked down at me and said he'd never seen anyone that scared in his entire life.  He also said it was the quickest he'd ever seen anybody make it back from that far out.  I didn't give a shit.  I was pissed.  If he was in the water, I would have drowned his ass.

Two years ago I went to the Galapagos Islands.  I swam with penguins, sharks, dolphins and all kinds of underwater creatures for hours.  I was scared, but I figured this was an opportunity I couldn't pass up.  It was an amazing experience.  I also climbed a 60 foot cliff with the natives and jumped off, but that's another story altogether.

I owe thanks to my buddy for stranding me in the middle of the lake that day.  I conquered fears I never wanted to face.  And what happened was... I realized it was okay to be afraid of the unknown, but you can't let it hold you back from experiencing what's out there.  Life is all about experience my friends.

I AM DISAPPOINTED...

in human beings at the moment.  I witnessed an act of the most cowardly proportions a few days ago.  I've since lost many hours of sleep.  I lie there staring at the ceiling in DISGUST.  Aren't there certain laws of humanity that surpass the stronghold of the government?  For example... Ladies first, helping others in need, be nice to your mother, take a shower, don't ski in Jeans, and it's okay to taunt opposing fans, but never, and I mean ever should you put your hands on one of them.

As we all know, I went to INDIANAPOLIS this past weekend to watch the JETS fall short of a Superbowl birth.  My 3 friends and I were having the time of our lives.  Yes, I said it... We were having the times of our lives in INDY.  I know it's hard to believe, being that Indianapolis is located in the Midwest and it's no BIG APPLE, but my friends and I tend to find a good time anywhere.

Saturday night we met at the hotel bar for some food and drinks.  Once we were a little sauced, it was time to grab a cab and hit the town.  Jets fans were everywhere.  A river of green flowed through the streets of Indy like the Chicago on St. Patty's.   JETS chants left and right (most of which I was leading while standing on my barstool).  We were in heaven.

Sunday morning we grabbed a quick Continental breakfast at the hotel.  We followed that normalcy with a few drinks up in our room and then prepped for tailgating.  Since our hotel was in Lucas Oil Stadium's parking lot, we didn't have to go far to find a good pre-game party.  We saw the fans gathering down below, pounded our drinks, made roadies, packed our bags and joined them.

Downstairs... it was ON like CHAKA KHAN.  Beers and Captain Morgan were consuming us.  Jets fans in full uniform acting civilly for a change.  Everyone was happy.  Honestly, we were all just happy to be there.  People you normally wouldn't piss next to in a public restroom were standing shoulder to shoulder with you swaying back and forth singing every New York song you could think of.  Even the player's families and friends joined us.  It was fantastic.

After 2 hours of tomfoolery in the lot we had met numerous JETS and COLTS fans that were cool.  Everything seemed chill.  Then out of nowhere, the COPS started to harass us.  They drove through our tailgate at least 50 times.  They weren't saying anything... Just bleeping that obnoxious sound their PA makes telling you to get of the way without words.  Nobody was doing anything wrong, yet they continuously shot dirty looks our way.  Nobody was yelling at the police.  Nobody was fighting.  Everyone was having a merry old time and it seemed like the police were doing anything they could to prevent it.  My friends and I figured... Screw this... and we went into the stadium.  Later we heard cops tazed some JETS fan back at our tailgate after we left.  And guess what... He didn't do anything wrong either.  If you don't believe me, check out the video on YOUTUBE.  It's complete bullshit.  Those coppers were peasants.

We get to our seats and they are AWESOME.  The stadium itself is beautiful.  Our view was SICK... Well it better have been with what those seats were going for.  So as we're sitting down, like always, we introduce ourselves to fans surrounding us no matter what team they're supporting.  We explain how we get really excited and how we like to stand during the game.  Everyone says, "That's fine, we'll all be standing."  I'm thinking... This is sweet.

Midway through the first quarter the JETS were doing well and we were standing quite often.  The EVENT STAFF approached us and said "sit down".   We sat... laughed it off and were standing moments later.  They returned and told us to stay in our seats or they would have to ask us to leave.  I said, "Look around man, IT'S THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP!  Everyone is standing!"  We gave in and sat down, but when the JETS made a good play we were back on our feet.  I hate to break it to these bottom dwellers, but that's what fans do.

Then, it seemed like we (and the 5 other JETS fans in our row.. one of whom was a 7 year old boy) were the only ones standing in our section.  As the JETS started to play really well; we continued to celebrate.  Colts fans started to complain like a bunch of fucking 5 year old girls.  The Event Staff approached us again.  This time I was pissed.  I yelled back at them, "This place is a joke!"  Then some COLTS fan must have taken that comment to heart because he went NUTS.  "Who you calling a joke!?" he said.  "Don't call me a JOKE!" he continued.  I turned and said, "There's a kid here, watch your mouth pal."  Normally I wouldn't care if some fan was cursing at me, but there was a 7 year old boy sitting right next to me.   His father had flown them out from New York.  It was his son's first game, so I didn't want to ruin his experience.

This guy behind the kid's father would not let it go.  My buddy Will and I just brushed him off.  We kept telling him to be quiet.  Relax.  It's just a football game... But this relentless mother fucker would not stop.  My blood was beginning to BOIL and Will noticed.  He grabbed me and said, "Take it easy man, don't do anything... We came all this way, paid all this money, and there's a kid next to us."  I told him he was right and tried to calm down, but this dude would not give it up.  Finally Will told me to focus on the game, so we both turned around and as the guy continued mouthing off, Will turned to face the game and stuck his right hand up and flicked him off.

This asshole lunged three seats down from the row behind us and grabbed Will's finger snapping it in half.  Neither of us were even looking.  I immediately turned to smash this guy in his face, but his friends were already dragging him into the aisle.  Will looks at me and says, "That dude just broke my finger."  Smoke begins to come out of my ears.  I am FUMING.  The Event Staff immediately removed this guy and Will from their seats and took them somewhere to get a statement.  The poor kid sitting next to me was shitting his pants.

Now anyone that knows me, knows I will do anything for the people I love.  That includes lying down in traffic and fighting for the right cause.  And WILL is my guy.  My best friend.  I would kill for him.  I'm the GODFATHER of his son for Christ's sake.  Long story, long, they wanted to kick Will out of the game, not the other guy.  When I heard this, I ran up to the nearest cop and explained the situation.  He knew about it and said, "Your friend had it coming."  Really?  Did he?  This dipshit didn't even see what happened.  And aren't you an officer of the LAW!?  It's called ASSAULT you fucking redneck HONKEY.  I was so pissed, I could've murdered someone.  By Halftime, the staff let both men return to their seats.

Will wanted me to keep my cool so that we could watch the rest of the game.  He didn't want to get kicked out, plus he had a lawsuit brewing in his brain.  

This fucking asshole who broke Will's digit was in his early 40's.  He seemed like a regular guy at the game with his girl and some friends.  I can't believe there was a little kid between us... And he still acted this way?  He should be ashamed of himself.  After the game Will and I went to the Hospital and sure enough, his finger was broken.  The X-ray made me sick.  That's right... Although he broke his finger in the first quarter and the medic told him to get to a hospital immediately, he refused.  He told them he was there to watch a football game.  And he did just that.

Those Security guards, Event Staffers, and Cops who were working the game can go FUCK themselves.  They were pieces of hippopotamus shit.  Totally unprofessional scumbags barely giving their high school diplomas justice... Sad really.  So to all of you visiting fans... Watch out in INDY.  That place is cursed forever.  It's a shame those douchebags had to ruin the entire trip for me because there were nice people there... But now I never want to go back.  And it's a shame the nice people of that town are paying those cop's salaries.  I hope that JETS fan who was tazed sues the fuck out of that moronic police department and I hope the moron who broke my boy's finger dies a SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH.

Yesterday Will emailed me the statement from the stadium security office.  Nothing Will said in HIS statement was on it... Nothing.  It was the other Jerkoff's words.  Can you believe these people.  I can't wait to write a letter to the NFL Commissioner about how poorly the people in INDY follow laws and handle business.  And that piece of shit COLTS FAN FUCKHEAD is going to get off SCOTT FREE?  He's probably at home, sitting on his couch... FEEDING THE DUCKS, thinking to himself, "that punk kid got what he deserved."  Makes me enraged.  But you know what?  That guy will get his.  Whether he gets struck by lightning or he gets thrown in county pound-me-in-the-ass prison for hitting his wife... He'll get his.  If I ever see that guy again, I will break his fucking neck and go to prison for LIFE if I have to.  That's right, I said it.

***Lesson HERE:  You never, and I mean never... Put your hands on another human being unless you absolutely have to.  Going to sporting events and talking shit to one another is okay.  It's tradition... And in the end no matter who wins; we all shake hands.  It's called sportsmanship.  Fan code...  No hard feelings.  It's just a game.  There's no excuse for what that grown man did.  I don't care if WILL was standing in that guy's face, waving his middle finger and telling him to go fuck his mother (which he absolutely did not do).  You DON'T put your hands on other people.  Period.  (If you are defending your family or doing it for survival... you get a pass.)

I just hope we did the right thing by not retaliating.  It made me feel like a pussy.  A grown up one.  I felt as if I let my friend down, but truthfully there was nothing we could do to rectify the situation.  

I've been really upset about the whole thing since my return to LA.  Should we sue him?  Should we go after the stadium for handling it so poorly?  Who knows... That's all up to Will now... It was merely bad luck... some poor judgement... and some alcohol.  A recipe for disaster.  Hey JIM MOORE from INDIANAPOLIS... FUCK YOU... You sad excuse for a man.  You're a pussy.***

I AM OFF...

To INDIANAPOLIS this weekend to watch my beloved JETS play the COLTS in the AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.  These great franchises have met before.  In Super Bowl III, the Jets quarterback Joe Namath predicted a victory over the Colts (then in Baltimore) and brought it home to New York.  The Jets won 16-7 down in Miami.  That was 1969... and the last time the Jets were in the Super Bowl.  It's also a rematch of this year's week 16 match-up, where the JETS won 29-15.  Everyone places an asterisk next to that victory because the Colts pulled most of their marquee players, including Peyton Manning, during the 3rd quarter.  Apparently they had nothing to the play for (they were already the #1 seed in the playoffs), while the Jets were playing for everything.  Let them say what they want.  I guess we'll see what the GANG GREEN is really made of this Sunday at Lucas Oil Stadium.

Ah, the Great MIDWEST... It's absurd how little the people from the coasts know about the middle of this country.  Growing up on the East Coast and then moving to LA hasn't helped with my knowledge of the midwest, especially of Indiana.  Well, this is what I do know about the Hoosier State...

INDIANA is one of the few states I have not visited.  It's the home to the University of INDIANA HOOSIERS and their storied basketball program.  Does the name Bobby Knight ring a bell?  Also the greatest sports movie ever made, "HOOSIERS" with Gene Hackman, is set in a small town there.  Larry Bird hails from Indiana... French Lick to be exact.  He also went on to attend Indiana State University, appropriately nicknamed the SYCAMORES (I love that mascot), where he took them to the Championship game in the late 70's.  I know Gary, Indiana used to have the highest murder rate in the country, but has since been surpassed by CAMDEN, NJ, and Detroit, Michigan, numerous times.

My friend MILAN is from Indiana.  He's the biggest Indian dude you've ever seen.  Dots, not feathers.  He really is a good guy.  He's out here in LA producing movies.  He carries with him a sweet nickname... "The Hollywood Hindu".  He's also a licensed minister and is available for wedding ceremonies.  Please contact me if you want to get hitched by this maniac and I'll let him know.  I think everyone who meets him says, "There are Indian people in INDIANA?"  Yes morons.  This is AMERICA!  There are different kinds of people everywhere... even in Indiana.

Another great film takes place in Bloomington, Indiana.  It's called "BREAKING AWAY" with Dennis Quaid and Daniel Stern.  It's only fitting I mention this AMAZING movie since it's about a group of underdog young men (CUTTERS) who live in a college town.  The preppy college students give them no respect.  To quiet their critics the "Cutters" enter a bike race versus the "Preps" and everyone else who belittled them along the way.  And against all odds they bring home a VICTORY... earning the respect from their peers, the college students and their families.  No respect.  Sound familiar?

So this weekend should be fun.  I'll be navigating through a new city on my own for a few hours.  I love going to a strange land, especially when I know a few close friends aren't far behind.  My best friend Will is meeting me in INDY on Saturday night for a few pre-game cocktails and by Sunday morning we'll be getting our minds right.  Once again the JETS are HUGE underdogs and will have a chance to make history, silence the critics, and earn the respect of their peers.  I think they have a good chance.  The fans believe... The coaches believe... The players believe... But nobody else does.  And I say Fuck em.  Rock and Roll GANG GREEN!  We're with you all the way!  J-E-T-S!!! Jets! Jets! Jets!

***Tune in on Sunday at 3PM Eastern and 12PM Pacific Standard Time.  Look for me and my buddy Will SCISSOR KICKING Colts fans on the big screen!***

I AM A TOYS R US KID...

Or at least I once was.  "I don't want to grow up cause if I did, I couldn't be a TOYS R US kid!"  Remember that catchy jingle?  I do.  As a child I had everything.  Toys and trains and video games... just like the song.  I had them all.  I haven't seen any of that stuff in years.  The HE-MAN collection, the GI JOES, the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (I thought I was Raphael), and the MICROMACHINES were among my serious collections.  Also I had more baseball, basketball, and football cards than every kid I knew.  I used to rummage through the couch cushions for change to buy packs of cards from the ICE CREAM truck.  I recently wondered where all of that shit went.

I barely recall a garage sale we had when my mom was moving us after I started High School back in 1995.  If memory serves, I think some dude bought all of my TRANSFORMERS and GOBOTS (which I favored over Transformers unlike most of you bandwagon freaks).  And some woman bought all of our Star Wars toys, Castle Grayskull, and the GI JOE BASE.  I also sold some sports cards that day and a few more a month or so later including Joe Montana and Lawrence Taylor's rookies.  So where did the other stuff disappear to?

I mentioned a few days back I had my new/old car shipped out here from Florida.  About a week prior to the shipment, I received a call from my MOM.  She asked, excuse me, she TOLD me, "Honey, I'm going to put a few of your things in the car before it ships off, okay?"  I said, "Sure" knowing that wasn't a question.

A few days after I got a call from my DAD.  He said, "Son, I hope you know your Mother is having me put a ton of shit in this car."  My response was, "Figures."  And we both laughed.  I then said, "What kind of stuff?"  "I don't even want to start opening these boxes, but everything looks pretty old" he replied.  So I told him not to worry about it.  I'd sort it out upon the car's arrival.

The car arrived on Friday morning.  I immediately took all of the SHIT out of the back seat and trunk with the help of some very good friends.  I placed the crates, plastic containers, and boxes in my living room and just stared at them... Completely overwhelmed.  I anxiously took off for work a few minutes later knowing there was going to be some fun stuff to find in those treasure chests.

That night I opened them up.  The first container had... The game JENGA... still missing 1 block like it did 12 years ago.  Garbage.  20 or so PEZ dispensers that MOM collected, not me.  Easy one... Garbage.  My roommate and I actually ate the ones that had unopened candy still in the packaging.  The PEZ tasted pretty good to me.  In his words, "Damn these are good, but they taste like an old lady's house."  Sorry Mom, I think you look great!  You can scold him the next time you see him. A yellow STOP sign popped up next.  I remember it being on my brother's door and eventually on mine.  It was probably over 30 years old.  Garbage.  Picture albums filled with awesome memories came next.  My elementary school track team pictures were inside.  My High School championship football days were well documented and there were also some pictures of my college girlfriend.  Those all got a PASS.  SAVE.  One down.

The next container had articles about my teams in High School and College.  Clippings of Touchdowns and pictures in the paper... The ALL STATE TEAM.  SAVE.  Underneath those were some college text books and papers I had written.  Save a few; trash the rest.  My first piggy bank (which was actually a monkey in a cage).  I busted that thing open and all I found was about a dollar in pennies, 500 pesos, and a fake 100 dollar bill.  Fuck.  Garbage.

Then beneath that horseshit... Baseball, football, and basketball cards GALORE.  Jackpot.  it was like being in a sports collectibles shop.  Memorabilia everywhere.  Signed baseballs.  Plaques I received while playing college football.  An MVP award from High School.  I even had a signed football from when I was 9 or 10.  It was my first season playing full contact football and we won the state championship.  The ISELIN GIANTS.  Man, we were NASTY.  My profile picture came from those days.

By the time I finished sorting through the old cards and memorabilia 2 hours had passed.  I didn't feel like messing around with the other containers, so I just peeked in one more and... BINGO!!!  HE-MAN figures... All of them.  An army of GI JOES and COBRAS.  MICROMACHINES everywhere!  This was awesome.  I wound up sitting my ass back down on the floor and playing with toys for another two hours.  By the way, this was a Friday night.  Boy do I need to get my shit together.

So I raised the question... What do I do with all of this stuff?  Every piece holds a different memory.  Each soldier has fought a battle, whether it was against a nasty COBRA or a cranky ME when I was trying to bury my JOES alive for disappointing me.  Some of the HE-MAN figures looked like the had served in NAM.  I put those guys through HELL, but surprisingly most of the others were in pretty damn good condition.  These things are so hard to let go.

I went to bed that night with a smile on my face.  Maybe it was because I had a few drinks in me, but the more likely reason was the simple fact that I had the chance to relive my childhood for a few hours.  My reunion with my plastic childhood friends was delightful, but I knew the feeling wouldn't last.  I couldn't possibly save all of these toys.  I don't have the room.  I just didn't know what to do with them.  I thought for a second about throwing them away or donating them to Toys for Tots (if they still do that?).  Then it hit me... I AM A GODFATHER... and I passed out.

The following day my best friend WILL arrived.  I told him about how my Mom shipped all of my toys out here and I wanted to give them to CHASE (his son) for when he got a little older.  We looked through a container or two and he was FIRED up.  His mom had sold or thrown away all of his toys and he always wanted to have stuff to pass down to his boy.  Now he will have that chance.  You always want your kids to have some hand-me-down toys cause they usually turn out to be the favorites and you want them to play with some of the things you had.  Problem solved.

Now I don't have to worry about them taking up half of my house and Will can store them in his basement until Chase reaches the appropriate age for each kind of toy.  He can go downstairs when the time comes instead of having to spend a million dollars at TOYS R US.  It was a good thing we had to go to SAN DIEGO early the next morning to watch the JETS or we would have stayed up all night drinking and playing WAR with GI JOES and HE-MEN.

The toys we had as children will always be a part of who we are today and they will hold a special place in our hearts forever... No matter how old you are.  So if you have the chance to give them away to someone who will appreciate them... Do it.  I guess what I'm alluding to here is... I'll always be a Toys R Us kid.

***Did I mention the JETS silenced the critics yet again this past weekend?  Well they did.  They overcame adversity once again and picked up a HUGE VICTORY in the AFC DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS this past SUNDAY against the Chargers.  Off to INDIANAPOLIS this weekend for the AFC CHAMPIONSHIP game against the Colts!  It should be a great one.  Best Offense vs. Best Defense.  One more Gang Green!  We're with you!  J-E-T-S!!! Jets! Jets! Jets!***  

I AM GENUINELY...

Excited about the weekend ahead of me.  I don't even care about working today.  I'm actually being productive, as opposed to my usual Friday behavior.  Normally, I work hard for 2 hours and then pout for 6, but not today my friends.  Today, I am all SMILES.  I'm dusting corners, updating my website, ordering out for lunch (delicious Thai), being friendly to customers (and foreigners), and listening to some great tunes.  So what is the reason for my sunny disposition?

Well for one, my car (the totaled one) situation was finally resolved this morning.  I recently got my check from the SHITBAG insurance company 4 months after the incident, but it's better late than never.  I still think I got hosed, but I don't care anymore... At least I got something.  And yesterday morning I said goodbye to the MUSTANG.  It was difficult, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a tad choked up as the tow truck pulled away.  I was sad because we spent so much time together and I could have gotten way more money for the parts if I took the time to disassemble it.  Anyhow, it was time for a fresh start.  

This morning I got my newest GIRL.  A 1994 INFINITY... Which belonged to my Mom and eventually my Dad.  I had it shipped from Florida a few days ago and it's already in my possession.  She's old, but looking good.  It was the first new car my Mom ever had in her life... so I'm going to treat her right; with kid gloves.  Thanks Pop... For taking care of me as always.  You're the man.

Now, as if things couldn't get any better, my good buddy got a serious hookup for JETS PLAYOFF TICKETS this weekend.  As a result of our good fortune, my best friend Will is flying in from Denver for the game (much to his wife's chagrin I'm sure).  And on top of that, one of my college teammates (also a HUGE JETS FAN) is coming with us.  Even another friend of mine from college is flying in to cheer on the GANG GREEN in San Diego on Sunday.  I can't wait to be grilling some RIBS in the parking lot with some of my favorite people... F'in pumped.

Everything tastes great when you're getting your way.  It's at times like these when I realize I've never had it that bad.  My life isn't so tough... but perhaps I need to make it tougher.  This year I'm going to work harder than I ever have before.  Things are going to fall into place.  I truly believe that.

Now, people have been asking me, "Why do you care so much about a silly football team?"  And, "Aren't you too old to be acting like this?"  First off, the NEW YORK JETS are NOT silly.  Second, I will LOVE the JETS forever.  Deal with it.  

As we all know... I love football.  I played it.  I just love sports.  Maybe American sports are corrupt and the players are overpaid, but I don't give a shit... So are Bankers and CEOs.  Sports have been giving people like me hope for as long as I can remember.  If you know what I'm talking about; you're most certainly a member of the MIDDLE CLASS... so welcome home.  And if you don't... Close your computer, get back into your BENZ and shove your PRADA hand bag up your ASS.

Every weekend for 6 months during football season people can tune in and watch their favorite teams and players living out their dreams competitively on National Television (unless it's a Lions game cause they get blacked out locally).  It's an escape from reality... If just for a little while.  We all need this in some form, trust me.  When you cheer for a team it makes you feel like you are part of something.  And when that team is winning... Something Special.  I couldn't be further from the NY JETS organization or its players, yet I still feel like I'm a part of it.  No matter what happens on Sunday down in San Diego, I will be putting my all into encouraging them... Whether they can hear me or not.  And I'm sure my friends will do the same.  Even if the outcome isn't what we hope for (VICTORY), I am prepared to be doing the same exact thing next season.

So don't knock someone if they love a particular team or sport.  Whether it's football or soccer, fencing or badminton, Ping-Pong or UFC (which I'm not a fan of)... Give them a break.    You don't have to love it, but you should understand.  They probably love fencing as much as you love drawing, going to the theater, writing, playing board games, or masturbating.  And as far as I'm concerned; you're never too old to love any of those things.  To each his or her own.

HUGE game this weekend kids!!! I hope you all tune in on Sunday 4PM Eastern, 1PM Pacific time as I will be in the stadium squeezing a CHARGERS fan into submission by administering the FIGURE FOUR LEGLOCK!!!  Go J-E-T-S!!! JETS! JETS! JETS!  I'm behind you all the way!

***Sidenote: If you're not too busy on Saturday night, cheer your asses off for the Baltimore Ravens as well!***

I AM AMAZED...

How quickly time passes, yet when you haven't seen a good friend in ages, it seems like only a few minutes have gone by.  The only difference is now some of us have pot bellies, boobs, legs that go up an make an ass out of themselves, beards, homosexual tendencies and receding hairlines.  Some people come in and out of your life, others you meet, make a strong connection with and still somehow you manage to lose touch.  They were your friends, but just for a short period of time.  It doesn't make them any less important; they just weren't your REAL friends.  That's life for you.  The ones who are, even if you don't see them regularly, keep in touch no matter what.

Last week a friend of mine was in town from Texas.  I hadn't seen him in 14 years.  He and I met in the 4th grade.  He moved to New Jersey from Texas and was placed in my class at good old School #19.  He sat next me.  The kid was flat out obnoxious, but he was smart.  I wanted to ring his neck in the standard territorial fashion and most of the other kids would have paid to watch since they weren't so fond of him either.  After a slight altercation (in Jersey terms a slight altercation means a public MMA fight) between us, our parents made us apologize and we've been friends ever since.

During our 7 year stint living in the same neighborhood we saw a lot of each other.  I brought him into my group of friends and they soon welcomed him.  When I moved away they all stayed close.  We spent many days roaming the tracks, creating mischief, sneaking out in the middle of the night, joyriding cars without a license, and making out with girls.  Man, those days were sweet.  I moved away in 9th grade and his family relocated to Texas a little more than a year later.

One weekend I came home from boarding school and invited all my friends from the old stomping grounds over my new house.  I hadn't seen the guys in a while, so it was kind of a reunion.  We had a blast.  Not long after, my buddy moved and that was the last time I saw him... until last Monday.

When he came by, we shot the proverbial shit.  We picked up right where we left off...  Since we last saw each other; he want to College, joined the Marines, and lived all over the world.  He'd gone through some serious shit, but hadn't changed a bit.  I want to take the opportunity right now to thank that maniac for his service, because without guys like him, we'd be fucked.  So we put back a few cold ones and watched some football.  A few of my friends stopped by and nobody was uncomfortable.  It was as if my new friends all seemed to know him.  I guess my unbelievable story telling ability was behind that response.  It was just good to see him.

He left a few days later.  I may not see him for another 14 years, but it won't matter.  If that happens, I'm positive it will be like only a few days have passed, not years.  He'll always be welcome in my home.  I love keeping friendships up.  One of my other buddies from that group of kids in the old neighborhood is still one of my best friends to this day.  I see him often, even though we live on separate coasts and we wreak havoc every chance we get.

With FACEBOOK and all this other internet shit out there, you can chat with old friends, new friends and long lost family members constantly.  It's great.  I love both new and old friends and the ones I no longer see.  I love speaking with people who were just a passing face in the courtyard many years ago and beginning a new friendship with them.  How awesome is it to be able to talk with a cousin you haven't seen since your COMMUNION 20 years ago?  Pretty awesome if you ask me.

You can learn something new from the people around you everyday.  So many of them can have an impact on your life, especially when you least expect it.  This is why it's important to have a variety of friends.  It will make you brighter, happier and more REAL.  Staying in your house, hoarding shit, and isolating yourself from the world and all of the wonderful people in it is a HUGE mistake.  Sure, there are plenty of BLOWHOLES out there, but if you bump into enough people, you're bound to find at least one you like.  I know I sure have.

Oh yeah... And the Jets are my friends too... Go J-E-T-S!!! Jets! Jets! Jets!  Beat the Chargers this weekend!

I AM ABOUT TO...

Cancel my MYSPACE account.  Do people still use that thing?  Apparently they do cause my profile had thousands of views.  More people probably have read my MYSPACE page than actually read this thing.  Pathetic.  Perhaps all of the people that use Myspace are just younger than me.  I hadn't signed on to it in FOREVER.  A few minutes ago I logged on and had friend requests out the WAZOO from people I don't know telling me to listen to their music, come to their art shows, and a few teeny boppers saying they loved my profile pic.  Fucking Nutjobs.

I was thinking, "What do I need this for?"  I mean, I have a FACEBOOK account, which seems to be more than enough.  I prefer FB because there isn't much of a hassle with it.  Not much spam.  Your friends are actually, your friends.  Fewer creeps lurking and it's a great platform for my writing.  Every time I've ever logged into MYSPACE to check out someone's page, whatever song they have blasting on their profile annoys the shit out of me.  I just heard mine, which is super out-dated, but still awesome (Black Sandals by SIA).  Maybe I'm just being a judgmental dickwad and should post my blogs on MI ESPACIO as well.  We'll see.  Wait a minute... What the hell am I saying?  I thought I was canceling this bloody thing!  I believe I just convinced myself to keep it.  Fuck.  What a loser.

Anyway, the reason for this entry was to show all of you what I wrote about myself in the "ABOUT ME" section of my Myspace profile.  I guess it was my first BLOG entry if you will.  I hope you get a kick out of it... Cause I sure as hell just did.

About me: 

What you see is not what you get.  It dawned on me recently that there are a few things I have to come to terms with in order to move forward.

1.) My lazy eye may or may not become a distraction.

2.) Being a pirate is not a very lucrative profession.

3.) I'm not Jewish, or Black.

4.) It's not okay to be uninsured.

5.) Catholic priests are an enigma.

6.) Security is an illusion.

7.) Will really got married.

8.) Dying old, alone, and in the dark is a strong possibility for me.

9.) People that hate me for my brutal honesty better take a number.

10.) Waite graduated from college.

11.) It's impossible to have a conversation with someone in a full Knight suit and keep a straight face.

12.) My Father is a TEAMSTER and I'm fucking proud of it.

13.) Most people are sheep... They should read more.

14.) I've never been ice skating.

15.) The people who bite their fingernails and smoke cigarettes incessantly aren't really affecting my daily routine.

16.) Mormons are some brave mother fuckers.

17.) Apparently being a loser is cool.

18.) Just because I listen to sappy music and British pop doesn't make me gay or depressed... I think?

19.) "THE BREAK UP" is the saddest movie I've ever seen.

20.) People will do almost anything to get attention and then it all seems so clear.

21.) I realize that everyone who lives will someday die, and die alone.

22.) It's legal for MEN to wear JEAN SHORTS... And I just don't get it.

23.) Realizing how much of a loser/peasant I am for writing all of this bullshit and actually having one of these savvy self promotional friend things... Then wiping my brow in relief knowing you just read it... And wasted 60 seconds of your life.

And as a little bonus... This was my "Who I'd like to meet" section:

My Mother and Father in their PRIME... CIRCA 1963.  Someone who just gets it.  A nice girl.  Maybe LT on a BENDER back in the 80's sometime after the Giants won the Super Bowl or Joe Namath back when it was still cool to be an alcoholic and the JETS were nasty.  Someone who knows when to be quiet and when to tell me when to be quiet.  My friends from the TERRACE... Back on the tracks for an adventure sometime in the early 90's.

How do you like them apples?  I'm officially a joker.