I AM THE GUY...

Who saves all kinds of STUPID stuff I'm so sure I need to survive.  Whether it be an inspiring FORTUNE from a fortune cookie, or a ticket stub from a great concert or movie; I save it.  Other examples: An embarrassingly awesome Granny-like, red sweater I wore to a "Bad Christmas Sweater Party" 2 years ago.  Free T-shirts with absolutely NO sentimental value line my closet shelves like a Salvation Army Store in St. Louis.  2 Dollar bills.  I can't help but save them.  And where do they come from anyway?  I know we don't print them any more, so how the HELL are they still in circulation?  I thought only barbers framed them to hang on their mirrors and hobos used them to wipe their stinky asses.  I had a couple over the past year, but wound up giving them to my roommate to buy smokes when he was down on his luck.

I was doing some WINTER cleaning the other day in preparation for the Holiday season.  And when I say cleaning, I mean under the bed and in every crevice of my little walk in.  I found so much SHIT that had no business being in my possession.  Jets tickets from 5 years ago when they waxed the 49ers.  A BRAVEHEART movie ticket stub from opening night in 1995.  A Bass pro Shop netted trucker hat I picked up on a field trip in college... I wouldn't wear that puppy to a SHIT FIGHT.  The CD case for Counting Crows debut album AUGUST AND EVERYTHING AFTER.  I have the CD somewhere and the whole album on 3 different ipods and on my computer.  Point Break on VHS, which I obviously own on DVD and had the Bluray in my hand at BEST BUY two days earlier.  My first concert tickets for Barenaked Ladies, who I saw at JONES BEACH back in 1997.  Airplane tickets from 3 years ago when I went to SUNDANCE to promote a film.  Sides from an audition I went on 2 years ago for a part I didn't get.  Fuckers.  

So I grabbed a trash bag to throw all of this stuff away... And I just couldn't do it.  Eventually, I shoved everything I wanted to keep in a shoe box and filled the bag with depressing, old bank statements and bills I paid from 2 apartments ago.

Why do I save this NONSENSE?  Am I the only one?  As I type on my MacBook, I look down where I have a fortune taped to my laptop just below the keyboard reading... "Happiness isn't in having what you want, but rather in wanting what you have."  What the FUCK does that even mean?  I see the little sliver of paper has one of my lucky numbers (6) underneath the text which is undoubtedly the reason I defaced one of my most prized possessions.  But hey, they're just possessions, right?  Who needs em.

Yes, I want things I don't have... like we all do.  Yes, I want to keep the things I already have, but does that have to include ticket stubs, half-dollar coins, Airline tickets and shoes I don't wear?  Perhaps.  I should probably give the clothes and shoes away to people in need; it is Christmas time.

I believe we save things because we're desperately trying to hold on to our past.  We fear letting it go, but is it really going anywhere?  I have all of these memories locked into my tiny brain.  I will always remember the time everyone said I was cockblocking my friend from his date during the Phoenix and Metric show 2 months ago at the Greek.  I don't need the stub to remind me of that... Unless I'm diagnosed with Alzheimer's when I'm 73.  Having said that (Curb Your Enthusiasm Reference for you buttheads that don't watch) I'm going home tonight, buying a Christmas tree, decorating that shit, watching Christmas Vacation on Bluray, listening to Frank Sinatra's Christmas Album, drinking EggNog spiked with RUM and throwing out or giving away everything in my apartment I don't need.