Everybody keeps asking me if I'm wearing GREEN. No FRIEND-O, I'm not wearing green, but my eyeballs do everyday. No, I don't wear eye-shadow, my eyes are just GREEN-ISH. I think there may be a little green on my boxers though. Let me check. Bingo. So much for separating myself from the masses.
I can't stand when a fun Holiday falls in the middle of the week, especially when you don't have off from work. In the STATES, St. Patrick's Day is about as important as the NHL finals. Nobody really cares. It's like Chinese New Year's up in here... If you know what I mean. No land mass was discovered on this day. No life-changing event occurred either. Really, it's just a day when Catholics are allowed to take a break during LENT. For all you HEATHENS out there... this means you can eat meat if you gave that up, get shitfaced if you gave up alcohol, or get laid if you gave up sex (sounds crazy, but Catholics can be that way). Ever heard of the Crusades?
Every year on the 17th of March, everyone wants to celebrate by doing the kegs and eggs thing in the morning, drink GREEN beer, and pin the tail on some IRISH DAME they met at some bar around NOON. By the time they try to take this unlucky lady home at 8pm, she's completely blacked out... What's the point? And how the hell are you meeting people out on the town at NOON? Isn't it Wednesday? Doesn't anybody work anymore? Fuck. I need your job.
A little history behind St. Patrick's Day... Saint Patrick was a man (obviously) who was kidnapped by Irish Raiders at 16 and held captive to Ireland as a slave. One night while sleeping, he believed GOD came to him in a dream. And what he said was, "Yo Patty, you have to get the fuck out of here and head for the coast. Return to Britain ASAP!" So of course he escaped... And as soon as he got home, he studied to be a priest. Go figure.
Later in 432, he was called back to Ireland as a bishop. (For those of you non-Catholics, a bishop is step or so up from being a priest. Basically he got a promotion) The Irish who once captured him, now needed his help. Again, God spoke to him... "Go save those poor bastards!" Man, The HOLY SPIRIT talked to this guy a lot. He must have been REALLY popular. So Patty left for Ireland to save the country from poverty, famine, and of course... other religions. He used the SHAMROCK in his teachings, saying it symbolized the HOLY TRINITY (the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit). It didn't take much for those poor drunk maniacs to believe.
After spreading the word of the Almighty for 30 years; Patrick died on March 17th, 461. He gave the Irish people love, peace within, hope, and a great holiday to get wasted on for ALL TIME.
What began as a purely CATHOLIC holiday has now become more of a celebration of Ireland's culture. Now EVERYFUCKINGBODY celebrates this day. Every schmuck on MELROSE is sporting green today. The MUSLIMS next door, the people we pigeon-holed as terrorists down the block, the cool INDIAN dudes in 7ELEVEN (well maybe that's just because their uniforms are green everyday?), Asians (who hate being called that by the way), regular Jews and Hasidic Jews, too. well maybe not the HASID'S, but I bet they want to, cause it's ridiculously hot and the black get-up they rock has to be uncomfortable as HELL. And who wants to wear the same thing everyday? Weird.
So... What a day. A GREEN day. It's another excuse for everyone on the planet to party. Gotta love it. Embrace it. Thanks, Patrick. I just wish the day you croaked would have fallen on a Saturday this year.
Have fun out there tonight you phony Irish jokers. Don't drink and drive. Don't text and drive. Don't make out and drive (unless she's really HOT). What I'm getting at here is... take a GOD DAMN cab! You kids can first base just fine in the back.
ur funny:)
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