I AM NOT A POLITICIAN...

Nor do I aspire to be one.  Politicians lives are not amusing.  Everybody wants something from them, but they can only do so much...  Right?  These highly regarded citizens have so many people telling them what to do it's ridiculous.  From city council people to mayors to Governors to the highest office in the land; it's a group effort.  It must be awful to be the President.  It's only great on the day you win.  Celebrate for one night, everybody loves you; and the next day off to work you go and everyone loathes your existence.  This guy (or woman someday, hopefully never Sarah Palin so I don't have to throw myself into a wood chipper) has someone that writes his speeches for him, a Press Secretary, a Security Advisor, a team of Secret Service Agents around him at all times, 15 Cabinet members busting his balls, kids pining for his attention, and a WIFE that wants to kick his ass every night for never making it to dinner on time.  As exctiting as the job sounds, I wouldn't take it if they offered me season tickets to the Jets and a guaranteed 50 yard line seat at every Super Bowl until I croak.  

I can't wait until a woman is President.  I will love to see how the FIRST MAN handles that one.  He'll probably quit his job, spend all day at home watching SPORTSCENTER on repeat, try to bang every intern in the WHITE HOUSE and choke the chicken every chance he gets all while drinking himself into oblivion.

(NOTE:  This is going to be a long one, so don't hold your breath... Unless being asphyxiated gives you a WOODSTOCK... Then by all means, go for it.)

You know what really raises my eyebrows (besides themselves, since they seem to be growing closer and closer to my hairline every day)?  Political debate among commoners.  Man, people get heated.  This person thinks that person's a baby killer.  This guy hates tax reform.  This lady is adamantly opposed to Gay marriage.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  One person believes this... the other believes that.  It all depends on who raised you and where you grew up.  That's why we all don't see eye to eye.  I come from the Middle Class (which seems to be disappearing).  My father was a union official and my Mom was working woman (not that kind you filthy animals).  So we all tend to lean to the left, since most RIGHT WINGERS are Anti-Union, but we're always open to someone new with good ideals no matter which end of the spectrum they fall.  Fucking Reagan... What an asswipe.  Anti-Union actor/President... you have to be kidding me.  Needless to say there was not much political debate happening in our house.  Phew.  But this made me ever more interested.

Last year was the first time I'd ever voted.  It was a proud moment for me.  My voting station was actually in a HOUSE in my neighborhood.  These nice folks opened their garage to a whole bunch of lefty voters in Santa Monica, CA.  It was awesome.  Vote "No on Prop 8" the signs read!  I felt like I was a part of something... Something special.  I had a chance to make a difference and I was taking it.  The line was around the block, but it moved along quite nicely.  Now these were real Americans.  People that wanted change so much they opened up the polls right next to the old man's tool collection.  I was loving my country on that day.

I'd always followed Presidential Elections for as long as I can remember.  My limited political knowledge is as follows...  I guess BUSH vs. DUKAKIS was the first one I actually recall.  It was 1988.  I was 7.  I specifically remember my brother having stickers on his closet door that read, "AMERICANS FOR BUSH!!!"  I'm pretty sure he didn't care about the race for President as much as he did for the race for real BUSH.  If anyone has seen the popular '80's flick "REVENGE OF THE NERDS" you know what I'm talking about.  If not, SCRAM.  You're on the wrong page.  "Are you ready for the sex girl!"  Love that song.  Sorry, that movie cracks me up.

As History would soon tell, GEORGE H.W. BUSH won the election.  It was the third term in a row we had a REPUBLICAN in office.  Dukakis blew it big time because of a convicted RAPIST/MURDERER named Willie Horton.  It's complicated political shit, but basically Dukakis vetoed a bill which would have stopped weekend furloughs for first degree murderers.  This, in turn, allowed citizen SCUMBAG (aka Horton) to go free for a couple days.  And sure enough, Horton went on a raping mission and assaulted the woman's boyfriend to place the cherry on top for good old Dukakis.  Although this happened in his first term as Governor of Massachusetts, it didn't matter.  He was screwed from the JUMP.  Bush's campaign talked about Horton nonstop, and in time even the hard core DEMOCRATS in my neighborhood thought Dukakis was a dipshit.

The next two elections in '92 and '96 were won by Democratic Candidate, and former Governor of Arkansas, BILL CLINTON.  He crushed in both elections.  This guy Clinton has had some life.  I mean shit... we all know about it.  The dude loves women.  Can you blame him?  From Gennifer Flowers to Monica BLEWCLINTSKY, to his ever ballsy and politically headstrong wife Hillary Rodham Clinton.  I remember watching the election of '96 in middle school.  Also the impeachment hearings were well covered at my High School in '98.

(Note: I hope Hillary is the First woman President after Barack's 8 years in office.  If Sarah Palin gets even close to the campaign trail, I may RUN... To CANADA.)

Obviously I wasn't able to vote during either term, but I followed him closely.  Clinton was a great ambassador for the country... still is.  People love the guy.  Blacks, Crackers, Asians, Europeans, (Illegal) Aliens, and Transforming Robots from outer space all have an affinity for him.  And you know what, so do I.  Perhaps the only person that doesn't like him is his wife, but she's still with him.  Political HOGWASH aside, he must be doing something right... if you know what I mean...

Bill had the country in good place.  The economy was flourishing.  People were happy.  I know we had troops in Bosnia and other parts of the world, but we weren't feeling an immediate HOME THREAT like we would in the years to come.  We didn't have hundreds of thousands of our boys and gals in IRAQ or AFGHANISTAN either.  The middle class was still alive.  Also on a completely unimportant note, America's favorite sports teams like the COWBOYS, BRAVES, and YANKEES were all doing well.  Even Clinton's Alma Mater, ARKANSAS, won a national championship in college hoops in 1994.  Things were looking up.

Then the shit hit the fan.  In December of 1998 the House of Representatives IMPEACHED Clinton because of his discretion with Monica Lewinsky.  The guy was a good President, yet we are trying to dethrone him when he sleeps around on his wife?  Sounds stupid to me.  Yeah he set a bad example when it came to marriage, but as a leader of the free world the guy was on point.  He was able to keep the country in tact throughout the proceedings.  He was eventually acquitted in February of 1999.  So the guy had his faults...  He likes cigars, BJ's and college hoops... and sometimes all at once, but hey, who doesn't?

When his term ended in 2000, his Vice President, Al Gore was on the campaign trail for the Presidency.  I thought Gore was a shoe in.  I know the RED STATES hated him because he's a wacky environmentalist, but can you blame the guy for trying to save the planet?  I sure as hell ain't doing it, but somebody has to.  Yeah, he wasn't the best speller or speaker for that matter, but he was effective at his job.  And who the hell knows if Global Warming is real.  It's hot sometimes, it's cold sometimes... whatever.  Whether I believe it or not, I tip my hat to the guy for trying to clean up this pollution ridden land.

Now the trouble with this election was Gore ran against George W. Bush, son of the previously mentioned 41st President, George H. W. Bush.  Republicans were hungry this time around.  They wanted one of their own back in the office almost as badly as I want green tea, a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and an apple right now... well not that bad.  He was doomed from the start.  Republicans are fighters.  They know how to get what they want at any cost.  Historically, Democrats were not as willing.

So when the numbers came in on the night of the Election, it was close.  So close in fact, it was too close to call.  Fucking Florida.  This ever important state worth 25 ELECTORAL VOTES was wetting the bed.  They couldn't get their count right.  At the time Gore was leading in electoral votes 255 to Bush's 246.  If he took Florida, it was over.  It was imperative for either candidate to win this state in order to become President.  They both wanted it... BAD.    George's brother, Jeb, was the Governor of that damn state... you'd think they'd be able to get the count right... But the problem was it wasn't in the favor of George.

The Recount process began.  This voting tug of war went on for about a month.  It was a nightmare.  Florida's JACKASS Secretary of State, Katherine Harris, was all over the news.  She was in charge of this debacle.  Harris was constantly dolled up like a fucking RACCOON from Dallas, making a complete ass of herself.  Finally, she ended up denying revised recount totals from 4 different counties where Gore probably would have won.

That was the first year I was eligible to vote.  I was so pissed I didn't register.  I felt helpless.  It's not like my vote would have mattered since I lived in Maryland at the time, but regardless I watched in awe.  I wanted Gore to win with a vengeance.  That was when I realized...  Voting is important.  Apparently so is learning how to count.  You hear that Florida?  Gore was killing in the popular vote which is why everyone thought he'd win, but he desperately needed those last 25 electoral votes.  You fucked him... Royally.  Hey Mom and Dad, I think it's about time you guys got out of that snowbird state of DEMENTIA, and head west, or back north where people's heads aren't up their asses. 

Oh yeah, Bush won the next election as well.  He gently brushed his shoulders off when John Kerry tried to run against him in 2004.  The Republicans basically called him a pussy for opposing the war in Iraq.  Bush's war supporters came out and voted and...  That puppet was in office for another 4 years.

So what's the point of this whole bullshit History Lesson?  Well, when I voted last year; I was pumped about it.  I registered as a NONPARTISAN because I hate labels even though this one was better than others I've had pinned on me, like: MEATHEAD, Jock (which isn't really a knock), Dickhead, Lothario, and Shoe Whore.  I guess they're not so bad since they're all true.  I couldn't wait to vote.  I wanted to vote for a guy who made me feel good.  I wanted to vote for an articulate candidate.  I wanted a true LEADER.  And for the first time in years, I felt like we had one.   BARACK OBAMA.

Truthfully, people on the LEFT hated W so much they would have voted for Ronald McDonald if he ran.  Yeah George Jr. sucked as the leader of the free world, but I'll tell you what, I'd love to hang out with that guy.  I would love to know what is going on in that head of his.  Also, when he gave BARACK OBAMA a pound the day of his inauguration I got teary eyed and thought, "Fuck, that dude is ice... I wonder if he'd come over for a few beers?"  Maybe they could come over together.  Doubtful.

All I'm saying here is we have to support whoever our president is.  We can disagree with the guy, but if he makes a decision, there's not much we can do about it.  And now we have a guy in there trying his best to clean up the shit storm W left behind.  Let's give him a break.  Let's back him.  I voted for OBAMA.  I cried during his inaugural address.  It wasn't because he was black (although I do think the country did take a HUGE step in the right direction electing him).  It was because HE IS THE MAN.  That's right, I'm drinking the KOOL AID.  And I don't give a rat's ass if he's sneaking a smoke here and there as long as he's taking care of business... And I HATE smoking.

As far as my political affiliation goes, I find myself somewhere in the middle... Maybe leaning toward the left.  Let's put it this way... I hate HOLY ROLLERS and I HATE HIPPIES.  That sounds like the middle to me.  If you are against GAY MARRIAGE and ABORTION, you're just a stupid fuck.  Who cares about what other people are doing?  People need to start worrying about themselves and their own families instead of peeking into everyone else's business.  I mean who the fuck wants to get married anyway?  Yeah tax reform sucks, but why not take more from the wealthy folks instead of taking even amounts from everyone, including peasants like me.  It's just not fair.  And give the kids CONDOMS already.  It doesn't reduce the feeling that much boys.  Deal with it.  But it does reduce the ringing in your ears, which you'll have with a baby crying all hours of the night.  Fucking Jesus freaks have you leaning in the wrong direction.  I can't stand them.  Fine.  If you want to have two baby seats in the back of your Ford F150 parked in front of your trailer where you're having sex like a free-loving hippy; teach your kids the word of God.  So be it.  

Okay, you can breathe now.  I'm not sure what I've accomplished... Possibly nothing.  Just a free association writing exercise.  But you're probably dead already.  I am glad you tried and died while reading my horseshit PSYCHOBABBLE though.  So thanks.  And don't talk to me about Politics because I don't know shit about it.   Just make sure you vote when you have the chance... suckers.

 

I AM DISCIPLINED (PART 2)...

I'm continuing my list as promised back in May... Here are a few more rules I stick to.  We left off at 15, so moving along... Enjoy.

16.)  I'm what you might call... a hypochondriac.  Don't come near me when you have a COLD.  Don't come out of the bathroom throwing me a Hi-Five after you just built a LOG CABIN in my toilet.  If you do either of those things, I will be forced to spray you down with ANTIBACTERIAL LYSOL until you leave the premises.  

Yes, I carry hand sanitizer with me.  Yes, I'm the kind of fellow who washes his hands BEFORE and AFTER I water the flowers.   So, if you're feeling a tad sniffly, or you're throat is a little scratchy, do us both a favor and STAY THE FUCK IN YOUR OWN BARN.  Or if you just had a half hour meeting in my bathroom with THE NEW REPUBLIC; I better hear the sink running for at least 30 seconds after you've finished.  Otherwise grab a paper towel on the way out so you can use it to open the front door.  I don't want your poopy prints on my doorknob.  According to me, if you don't follow these instructions, you're just an asshole farm animal who has a complete disregard for other mammals.

17.)  I avoid going out and drinking on SCHOOL NIGHTS.  I need to be fresh at work in the morning or I'll be a danger to my cohorts.  Hey pal, if you drink every night, there's a name for that... It's called an ALCOHOLIC!  Get to a fucking MEETING already.  Check that... you're a Drunk, cause alcoholics go to meetings.  And stop calling me on Wednesdays... "MODERN FAMILY" is on ABC and I love that show.

18.)  I keep other people's private business to myself.  If someone confides in you, they chose you for a reason (although they probably shouldn't have) and you MUST respect that.  It's not that hard to keep a secret; just keep your mouth SHUT. 

If you think you're keeping a secret because you didn't tell anyone EXCEPT your roommate; you're an IDIOT.  Don't make exceptions with privacy, because the chances are he/she (or a he-she) already told 50 people.  Actually, I take that all back.  A word to the WISE...  There's no such thing as a secret.

19.)  I admit when something I do SUCKS.  I also welcome constructive criticism.  I don't hide behind my PRIDE (even though I am prideful).  It's annoying.  I only stick to my GUNS if I truly believe in my product.  So do yourself a SOLID and admit you've been in a shitty movie... or made one for that matter.  I know the ultimate goal here is to make a profit, but if the thing really blows, honesty just may help you.  

Admit you're a shitty writer.  Those poems you wrote on the index card turned into a Valentine for CHRISTI in 2nd grade were awful.  Why do you think she dated the DIRTWAD-NERD who got his ass kicked everyday in the schoolyard?  Cause he grew up to be Tom Clancy and you work at BURGER KING.

Admit you're a shitty METEOROLOGIST.  I know it's a guessing game, but it's pouring out and you said there wouldn't be a cloud in the sky, dumbass.  You had to know there was gonna be at least one cloud, right?

Admit you're a TERRIBLE parent.  Your kid is sitting at a bus stop by HIMSELF reading the Penthouse Forum, smoking Camels... and he's 9.  Great work.  Remind me why you had kids again?  Do the world a favor and work on being better at whatever it is you do or have yourself checked into a mental institution.

20.)  I don't AMES (pronounced AIMS) my friends.  Ames-ing is when you take a girl from right underneath your friend's nose... or simply cockblock.  David Ames is Tom Cruise's character's name in "Vanilla Sky".  I love that flick.  In the film, Cruise steals Jason Lee's character's date, Penelope Cruz, unintentionally (my ass, it's always intentional) right in front of him.  Chances are he never had her if she had a radar lock on his buddy's JUNK.  Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and LOCK IT UP if you want to keep your friends.

21.)  I don't think every GIRL on the planet wants to sleep with me.  Well, most do, but not all of them.  I hate dudes that think every chick wants to bang them.  Wake up pal... you're kidding yourself... And that jokes old.  You probably couldn't get laid in the Red Light District in Amsterdam with fistful of hundreds.

22.)  I don't leave dishes in the SINK.  I don't understand this at all.  Nine times out of ten the fucking dishwasher is right next to the sink, so what's the problem?  Unless your dishwasher is a tiny woman from HONDURAS and you're eagerly waiting for her to cross the boarder, rinse the damn dish off and put it in already you simple fuck.  So what you're saying is, you're too lazy to move your upper extremities, huh?  Then why are you in your room stroking your BIRD every chance you get?  Give me a break.  Clean up after yourself.  You're an adult.  Obviously this is directed at a certain someone, but he doesn't read this thing... so F him.

23.)  I simply will not butcher the English language.  I hate when others perform surgery on perfectly created words and phrases.  For example, all of these acronyms used to communicate over the computer or phone via text make me ILL.  Technology has made us dumber then we've ever been.  

LOL.  I HATE THIS ONE MORE THAN YOU KNOW.  Laugh out Loud.  Really, people?  I'll take HAHAHAHA over LOL anyday.

BTW.  By the Way I hate this one too.

WTF.  What the fuck is your problem?  Are you in that much of a rush that you can't spell the words out?  I'm sure you're so busy waiting to send your next text while driving.

FML.  Fuck my Life?  Stop.  Just stop it dimwits.  Kids shouldn't be allowed to have cell phones or computers until their 18.  They're making them illiterate, not clever.

24.)  Under no circumstance will I ever like NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL.  Even when they play USC or some other team I dislike with a passion, I can't find myself pulling for them.  I grew up in a predominantly Catholic neighborhood where everyone loved Notre Dame.  It was annoying as Hell; and I'm Irish Catholic.

Let me put it this way, If my Mother was the quarterback of ND's Football team, I would still be rooting for Navy.  If my son is a BLUE CHIP athlete; I will send him to TOLEDO if he gets any ideas about ND.

And I swear if Regis Philbin mentions the IRISH one more time, I'm going to throw my flat screen through the window.  The best thing to ever come out of ND... the movie "RUDY".  I just got choked up thinking about it.

25.)  I REFUSE to kiss anyone's ass (unless she's really hot).  I don't give a shit what show you're on.  I don't care if you're my only shot at getting a role in a film or my only chance to sign a book deal.  I will be me, always.  If you don't like it... Too God Damn bad.  Go find a LACKEY elsewhere.  I don't care how successful you are.  You're either an asshole, or not an asshole.  So don't go expecting me to work extra hard for your acceptance or friendship if you're more successful than me... Cause it won't be for long.  I have enough friends.

 

I AM A WALKER...

I walked everywhere.  I walked the tracks as a child to and from elementary and middle school.  My MOM, (who would have killed me if she new I was on the train tracks) used to call me a VAGABOND cause I was constantly wandering the streets of our neighborhood.   Man, I loved navigating those streets.  My many destinations via the pavement were: the movie theater (which I visited more often than the average bear), the grocery store for Mommy dearest, Angelo's Pizza, the Mall (Menlo Park), the Arcade, friend's houses, girlfriend's houses and the hardware store for the old man.  When most kids were riding their bikes... I was walking.  

It became my favorite pastime.  I looked forward to a good stroll.  I roamed the streets, walked through cemeteries, parks, and sometimes even backyards.  On foot was the way to go.  I feel it gave me a true sense of where I was from.  And now as an adult, I have no problem hitting the streets to get around.

Since we're a particularly LAZY society many people have a problem with walking.  Maybe that's the reason a great deal of the population is HEFTY.  That, and there are fast food dumps on every corner.  It's sickening how spoiled we are... How everything is so easily accessible.  If you wanted to be fat back in the days of the Neanderthals, you had to work for that SHIT.  You had to kill more animals and raise more crops just to be able to have an excessive meal.  Looking at these starving kids in 3rd World Countries it's easy to figure out why they're so skinny... Yes they're poor, but there isn't a McDonald's right around the corner and they're willing to walk 30 miles for a CRACKER.  I doubt some kid from Glendale is about to walk 30 feet... for anything.

So what's with all this walking business, you ask?  Other than my affinity for the outdoors... I'm not quite sure.  Perhaps I was trying to prove some kind of POINT to myself or to those surrounding me.  And if there was a point, I don't know what it could've been other than showing I was willing to do almost anything to get somewhere.  It's silly I know, because I'm pretty sure no one was looking.

I went to boarding school where walking was the mainstay.  There was no need to drive anywhere.  You walked from your dorm to class, practice, and dinner... so my DISTANCE walking days appeared to be over.  I thoroughly enjoyed those days afoot on that beautiful campus, but they flew by and before I knew it, I graduated.   

At some juncture in college, I couldn't afford to have car.  So my roommates (who were also great friends of mine) used to drive me all over... to class, to bars, to practice... Wherever.  One day after class, I called my apartment from a payphone on campus (yes a payphone, I didn't have a cell yet) to ask for a ride home.  When one of my roomies answered he quickly said, "Hang on, Can anyone pick this guy up?"  What he didn't realize was I could hear everything that was about to be muttered.  I then overheard my other roommate in the background calling me a "Pain in the ASS".  I hung up before he had the chance to say anything else... and walked home.  It wasn't that far, about 2 miles, but from there on out I never asked for another ride... Anywhere.

Finally I was making a point.  I thought, "FUCK THEM."  In retrospect, I don't blame them.  It wasn't their responsibility to be driving me around.  They were doing ME a favor.  To this day, I'm still friends with those guys, but the truth was I didn't want to burden anyone.  Therein was the rebirth of my WANDERING... Back to my roots.

When I first moved to California, I got a landscaping job in 2 days.  During the first week of work, I cracked a tooth.  Believe you me, that SHIT was painful.  I was miserable for 3 days before I said anything.  I called a local DENTIST and made an appointment for the next day.  I asked my boss if I could have the day off;  he was fine with it.

Since I didn't have a car yet, I needed a ride.  What I neglected to mention was... I was staying in this very nice family's guest house.  They took me in for no reason other than they liked me off of a first impression and wanted to help me out.  For that reason alone, I will be forever grateful.  Oh, and they didn't even know me.  So I told them about my problem and the LADY of the household volunteered her assistant to drive me the following day.  She said, "She'll drop you off... then call either of us and we'll come get you."  I said, "Are you sure?"  She replied, "Absolutely."

The next morning, her assistant dropped me at the Dentist and said, "Good Luck."  I simply replied, "Thanks.  I'll call you guys in a little while."  She was already halfway out of the parking lot.  Inside, the Dentist saw me immediately and explained I needed to have this taken care of today, it would take a few hours, and I would need a lot of local anesthetics and maybe some gas, so I probably shouldn't be driving.  I then called the lady of the house to let her know and she said, "No Problem.  Just call afterward and somebody will come get you."  I thought, "Man these people are nice."

After an hour and a half of DRILLING MISERY in my mouth, I called the house from the waiting room.  No answer.  I called the assistant next.  No answer.  I then walked outside, called the house again, still no answer.  My final call was to the Madam's cell phone to which my call was "Forwarded to an automatic messaging system".  We all know what that means.  They were DONALD DUCKING me.

Now I hope you realize... I HAD NO IDEA WHERE I WAS.  I had just moved to California less than a week prior to this incident.  I had only been to Santa Barbara and Hollywood, neither of which were anywhere near my current 20 (Location).  I had no cash for a cab.  I was only carrying my Debit card to pay for the Dentist and I figured a cab wouldn't accept it.  At this point, I was so PISSED off I didn't know what to do.  All I knew was I had to head WEST... toward the OCEAN.  So yet again, I started WALKING.  Luckily I had a sense of direction cause my Dad was a Truck Driver and I was smart enough to remember some of the street names. 

Picture this... I had a JESUS-LIKE beard and crazy long hair.  I looked like Barry Gibb (of Bee Gees fame) on STEROIDS.  During the first leg of my walk, I was in a lower-middle class area but I knew I was headed to one of the most affluent areas in all of LA... So I had to keep moving toward the money.  Did I mention this trek was uphill and it was HOT AS HELL?  Well it was.

A few hours into my journey it got dark... fast.  I was woozy and my mouth was swollen.  It felt like there was a softball in my trap.  I almost got pulled over twice... once I was in the nice area.  I'd never seen security cars in a neighborhood before.  They were all over the place.  Cops too...  Just patrolling the area.  The amount of security was absurd.  They were all eyeing me up.  I'm thinking it was because I had my shirt off and wrapped around my head.  Yeah that's it. I was sweating my ASS off and I looked like JOHNNY JIHAD... or a homeless guy that had no business being in a wealthy neighborhood.

Once I heard the OCEAN I knew I was close.  Soon after it was before my eyes.  I had reached the coastline.  I knew where I was!  A feeling of JUBILATION rushed through my veins.  It was better than winning the State Championship... well almost.  1 mile left.  Then, my phone rang.  It was the Mrs.  She asked me, "What happened to you?"  I told her I couldn't get a hold of her and decided to walk.  She thought I was nuts and wanted to pick me up on her way home.  By now I had come all this way; I had to finish what I started.  I said, "No thanks".

I admired that coastline more than anything I'd ever seen.  It was so beautiful; I wanted to cry.  Maybe it was because there were rocks in my shoes and I was about to pass out, but at that very moment I didn't have a care in the world.  I took that last mile in.  I walked slowly.  When I finally got up the driveway (which was a mountain) in the pitch black night, I saw the light on in the kitchen of the main house.  The KING of the castle saw me shirtless and drenched in my own fluids.  He called out the window and invited me in.  I told him the story.  He laughed.  Then he offered me some dinner and wine (all I wanted was about 10 gallons of water) and apologized for the mishap.  He couldn't believe what I'd done.  He said, "Do you know how far that was?"  I had no idea.  It was 15 miles.  I slept like a baby for a week.

What the fuck was I doing?  Who did I think I was?  AGAIN... What was I trying to PROVE?  All I proved was that I was an idiot for not going to an ATM and calling a cab.  But you know what FUCK THAT.  I needed to save every dollar I had since I just paid over 1000 bucks to have my GRILL fixed.  I try to believe people are all innately good, and they truly want to help you, but as I've said before, you can't rely on anyone but yourself.  If you want to get somewhere, get off your ass and hit the pavement.  That's what shoes were made for, weren't they?

So you never know where walking the streets may take you, or what you might learn on those same streets.  You're navigating, so choose your path wisely.  I remember one particular day in college walking home through a foot of snow, I thought to myself, "I can't believe I have to do this!  I'm walking everywhere; this is ridiculous!  I'm somebody God Damn it... or nobody."  Truth is, I didn't have to do that... I wanted to.  I wanted to be alone.  And walking can be good for you... if you know where you're headed.  After that long, cold, 2 mile walk to my apartment, I stumbled through the door and kicked my boots off.  I realized you didn't have to walk, or go to college, or be a superstar to be somebody.  I already was somebody.  I just didn't know who that was.  So I laid down on the couch to mull over my situation and opted for a quick power nap instead... And I woke up 2 years later in my brother's basement.  You can walk anywhere you want, but if you don't know where you're going, you always wind up in the same place.  NOWHERE.

I AM A DREAMER...

I remember walking home from school on the TRAIN TRACKS like it was yesterday.  On a Fall afternoon leaves fell perfectly from the trees on both sides of the tracks like cartoon snowflakes from the sky.  I could see ahead for miles.  I swore those tracks were never ending.  Alone, balancing on the rails, then falling into the middle and stepping over every other railroad tie, the DAYDREAMING began.  I felt as if I was in an alternate universe.

I was only 12, but that's when the opportunities seemed endless.  At that age you have no idea what you'll be doing with your life and that was okay, but I still thought about it.  Would I go to college?  Would I see the world?  Was I going to be a blue collar laborer like my father?  Maybe.  Or would I be different?  I didn't know.  But I did believe I was going to play for the JETS, retire after 10 years and 2 Super Bowls rings, become the Governor of New Jersey, and eventually become the President of the United States.  Not too shabby for a kid from the TERRACE.  It was so easy to escape back on those tracks.

While I was in school I thought, "All I have to do here is actually LEARN something."  That shouldn't have been too difficult.  I mean that's what we go to school for, isn't it?  I figured if I read as many books as possible, played sports and followed my parent's good examples it would be easy to get out of here.  But nothing is ever easy... Even at 12.

English was always my favorite subject in school.  I hated math.  My 4th grade teacher always smiled when she handed me back one of my papers.  She would say, "You should write as much as you can."  Let's just say that made me happy because the smiles were few and far between when it came to math tests.  She actually gave me my first journal.  It was one of those BLACK AND WHITE composition notebooks.  You know, the ones that cost 99 cents at Rite Aid.  Everyone in the class got one.  When she handed it to me she said, "You can write in this whenever you want; it doesn't have to be just for assignments."  To this day when I want to stop writing, I think of that moment.  Although she was speaking to the entire class, I felt like she was only talking to me.  So I started writing.

I didn't really understand writing in a journal at first, but I still wrote in it every day outside of class... In secret of course.  I thought only girls wrote in journals and DIARIES.  God Forbid anyone found out I was keeping a diary.  I would have had to kick their ass... IN FRONT OF EVERYONE to prove my manliness.  I know now none of that matters, but keeping up your REP in Gym class and the Cafeteria was important back then.  My motivation for keeping a journal was so I would have the ability to look back in 20 years and see where I was at that exact moment.  For some reason that was extremely appealing to me.

My only REGRET is I didn't write all the time.  I didn't keep it up.  I took too many breaks.  I slacked off.  I was either busy playing sports, watching movies, or hanging out with girls and friends.  Maybe I was writing things on bathroom walls and closets with permanent markers or spray painting tags on local bridges on the Parkway, but I can't recall.  It took a huge break-up in college with the love of my life to get me back on the writing TRAIN.  Even though I was sad and depressed, writing saved me.  And since that moment, I've been making note of everything.  A lot has happened in the interim, but now the memories are much clearer cause I wrote them down.

Recently, I've felt like people are only reading things that are FUNNY.  FUNNY blogs.  Funny articles.  Some of these people don't even read FUNNY things.  They watch them... On YOUTUBE.  Technology is making us LAZY.  I hate it.  And what the hell is even funny anymore?  Hasn't it all been covered?  Silly topics about exploiting others and being a dickhead have been documented.  Seeing Jesus Christ's face on a stone in Argentina... Been done.  Reading about your favorite rapstar making an ass out himself at the MTV music awards has been covered.  What's left?  How about PURE stories.  Where have they gone?  I want to see something ORIGINAL... That's if there's anything left to write about.  Well, I believe there is.  Most people write to get attention, not cause they have to.  I think I have to.

So instead of looking back at tender age of 28 wondering how the HELL I got here... I know.  Countless days lost due to daydreaming.  Good times.  Bad times.  Births.  Deaths.  Friends and lovers have come and gone like pigeons from the rooftops.  My glory days playing sports have vanished.  I haven't seen those train tracks in years. Come and gone soon all will be lost.  But one thing never dies... A real DREAM.  A goal.  A reason to work hard.  A reason to move on.  Something to look forward to.  The written word.