I AM CAUGHT...

In the BLACK HOLE known as a "SLOW WORK DAY".  There's no life here.  No oxygen.  No one I can call.  No response from the insurance bastards about my car.  Everything is moving in SLOW MOTION.  No one can SAVE me.  Not even BACTERIA could survive on a day like today.  I feel like I'm the only living thing on the planet right now.  It's comparable to how it felt to be in last period back in school.  It's 2:59pm on a Tuesday and I'm counting the seconds until that final bell rings.  Remember those days?  Man, I hated LAST PERIOD.

Staring at the clock is a DISEASE for which there is no cure.  I think I'd rather have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).  At least then I'd be in the bathroom passing both wind and time.  I always thought once I finished my schooling I would never again have to stare at a clock waiting for things to end.  Boy, was I wrong.  

If there's a clock on the wall at your place of employment, or unemployment... You're pretty much FUCKED.  Nowadays all computers have clocks on them, so we're screwed.   Those SMUG clocks in the upper right hand corner just winking at you all day with that shit eating grin... Makes you want to commit a felony.  I don't remember computers having the time on them when I was playing Oregon Trail in my 2nd Grade Computer Class.  Sorry Mom and Dad... I know you have nothing to compare this to, but I'm pretty sure your childhood involved people teaching you how to make fire and use the SUN as a clock.  Thanks guys that was really helpful.

If you regularly wear a watch, you're classy, but you're DOOMED.  Looking at that thing a billion times a day would break my neck... Or be great exercise.  A watch is only effective when you're at a party or a bar.  In that case you can check it to see how much time you have left to make a move... On either another human being to your liking or on to a late night food joint of your choice.  Honestly, I don't know how FLAVOR FLAV hasn't committed suicide with that fucking ridiculous CLOCK around his neck.  I guess he can't see the time unless he looks in the mirror.  And in the shape that dude's in; I'd strongly recommend he didn't.

Have you ever felt like you'd done a million things at work, then looked at the clock, and the day isn't even close to HALF over with?  I have.  Damn, that's frustrating.  This is when you usually begin to question yourself.  For example, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?"  "Do I really work here?"  "How OLD am I again?"  "Am I really losing my hair?"  Then you start to float off a bit and other questions rush into your head.  "Why does that one BUM walk up and down Melrose swinging at air and screaming at the top of his lungs?"  "Where is his family?"  "Is that going to be me in 2 years?"  "Maybe.  I hope not.  Definitely not.  Definitely a possibility."  And "Why do I work in a gallery/toy shop and look like a LUMBERJACK?"  

How about the flip side of that coin... When you actually have to get something done?  You sit down to start a project, start working hard, and all of a sudden...  Take a peek at the clock... TIME'S UP!  So how should we do things and do them efficiently?  Quickly?  Slow and Patiently?  Rushed?  How the fuck should I know?  I'm just a pawn in a shitty board game.  All I do know is one must pace himself in order to be successful.  At the same time I recommend getting on your HORSE because opportunities disappear as fast as line of BLOW in front of Kelsey Grammer's face during the CHEERS years.  That rhymed.  Time is the bane of my existence.

You know when else this happens?  When you're doing something you enjoy.  When you're spending time with someone you actually like (i.e. Winnie Cooper, Marissa Cooper).  When you're at a party.  When you're at the beach.  Time moves at the speed of light during leisure activities.   That sucks.  I wish it would move at the pace of the Local Ice Cream Truck.  Then again, I hear that bell, run to grab a few bucks and by the time I get outside even that slow ass truck gets away.  I can still hear the bell though.  I want a God Damned Ice Cream sandwich!  See, that's time fucking with me.

Time is NEVER on your side.  When you're doing what it is you're supposed to be doing with your life; you want time to SLOW DOWN.  You don't want to MISS anything.  You don't want to RUSH.  Time doesn't need to fly because you want to EMBRACE where you are and what you're doing.  It's how you should feel when you're with someone you want to spend your life with.  It's how you feel when you visit your family (Well my family).  Sometimes you have to remind yourself of your PURPOSE.  What you're here to do.  And if you don't know quite yet, it'll come to you... in (that scary word) TIME.  So for me, it's TIME to SHIT, or get off the POT... Because in my experience, it's better to have tried and failed, then not to try at all... And in the meantime (I think I heard the bell... Last period is over), I'm going to disable the time feature on my laptop and rip that fucking CLOCK off of the wall.

 

I AM ENDURING...

Perhaps the SHITTIEST month of my entire life, but I'm back.  Let me begin by listing some of the more unfavorable things that have occurred over the past few weeks.

1.)  A very close friend of mine nearly had his eye GOUGED out with a set of keys by a very PASSIONATE woman a few weeks ago.  Well, he wasn't completely innocent here... He did walk up to the girl's friend at the bar and say, "Two things are gonna happen tonight: One, I'm gonna shove this bar stool up your ASS and TWO, you're gonna give me your number."  Classic.  Some way to kick off the evening.  This was obviously before he realized the woman she was with was somebody we all knew.  The best part is the other chick attacked him much later in the night out of her hatred for me, not him.  He just lit the match and I on the other hand, completely avoided her and left before the chaos.  Although he was acting a bit crass (understatement of the century), I'm not sure if he deserved a WOLVERINE-like assault.  He was left with a small shiner, a few scratches next to his eye, and a little less pride.  It looked like he was attacked by a MAN-THER... oh yeah, he was.

2.)  In the last week of August, my mother was HOSPITALIZED.  She had been feeling a bit under the weather, so my father took her to the emergency room.  She was there for testing for a few days.  I'll tell you what, she's a fighter.  I think the maniac even stopped smoking.  She says she's been off Newport 100 soft packs for over a month now.  My hat goes off to YOU Mommy dearest.  I asked her the other day... "Ma, when was the last time you went this long without a smoke?"  She answered quickly, "12".  I said, "Damn, 12 years, that's a long time without a break."  She said, "No kiddo, when I WAS 12, not 12 years ago."

3.)  Another friend of mine has a MOVIE coming out this weekend which he wrote and produced.  This is a huge accomplishment in my eyes.  I had a small part in the film.  I thought my scene was pretty funny (as did he), but in the end it just didn't work for the final product, so I was CUT OUT.  That's the business, I guess.  At least I got paid and learned a lot from the experience, but ending up on the cutting room floor feels about as good as waiting in line at the POST OFFICE.

4.)  My BROTHER (who's a head HS Football coach) lost his opener a few weeks back by a large margin.  He was TANK CITY.  And honestly, so was I since he sounded so optimistic about the season.  So, I let him sit on it for a week and he called me the following Friday night all fired up saying they got a huge win.  That's a step in the right direction.  I'm glad things are going better for him.  Good Luck tonight brother... get one for the HOME TEAM.

5.)  I auditioned for a huge ROLE in a rather commercial film about a month ago.  It was a great opportunity for me to get a break.  The casting director called and said she liked me a lot.  I thought that was good news.  Apparently not, since I read in Variety a few weeks later some kid from the X-MEN movies got the part I auditioned for.  Must have been his ability to FREEZE people when he read for the part.

6.)  I OVER-DRAFTED from my account once last week... or so I thought.  I'd never had this happen before, but be prepared... THE BANK FUCKS YOU BIGTIME WHEN YOU OVERDRAFT.  That's why they're so rich.  They steal from the poor and give to the rich.  Fucking Reverse ROBIN HOOD up in this piece.

I had a check clear for a large sum of cash and I knew I was going to be over my limit by $70 or so.  The next morning I immediately put the necessary funds in my bank so they wouldn't get me with more than one fee.  Little did I know other charges cleared late at the same time as the check.  A total of 6 over-draft fees at 35 bucks a pop.  FUCKING SKANK OF AMERICA... I could punch everyone in the face that has ever worked at that DUMP.

I argued to death about getting my money back for being a good customer for many years, but I was only able to get 3 of the charges reversed.  Banks do NOT give a shit about their customers.  They are LIARS.  They say they can't give you the money back, but they can... they just WON'T.  The only way to get money back is to go in every day and complain because they will give you one back for every day you complain.  If you want your CHEDDAR back you have to work for it.  But when you fuck them once; they treat you like a DEADBEAT... And maybe I am one, but I don't give a shit.  In the words of the great Cameron Crowe and Jerry Maguire, "What ever happened to a little personal attention?"

7.)  I saved the BEST for last.  And I'm ending  on number 7 because I could go on forever and I've heard this is a lucky number and that's exactly what I need right now... A little LUCK.

On Wednesday afternoon I left work early to go to the Doctor (which could be another entry altogether) and I got home fairly early.  Let's say 4:45 or so.  I parked my car in the street and not in the driveway cause my roommate was working until 1AM.  I figured I wouldn't make him try to find a spot at that hour after a long day.

I walked into my house and got right to work on my writing.  I threw my headphones on and the next thing I knew it was MIDNIGHT.  My roomie comes into my room shortly after and asks me if I heard what happened to our friend's car who lives next door.  I said no.  His car was hit while parked in the street right behind mine by some dipshit and knocked onto the curb.  Supposedly the accident happened around 5:30PM and there was a police report filed.  It was dark out when they finally recognized it so they couldn't assess how much damage was actually done, but they were able to roll the car off the curb.  Nobody noticed my car cause it was now parked 25 feet away with two cars in between.

The next morning I walked out to the street ready to start fresh on that beautiful Thursday morning and what do I see... MY FUCKING CAR SMASHED UP LIKE A SLINKY.  I was devastated.  My 1976 Mustang, my most prized possession, had looked like it fell victim to the LA RIOTS in the early 90's.  The Rodney King of cars if you will.  The whole back end had been crushed.  Whoever hit it had to be going super fast.

The chick who hit it, had first side-swiped my buddy's 4Runner, knocking it onto the curb before crashing into my car, knocking it about 20 feet ahead.  My car, in turn, pushed my other neighbor's car parked in front of mine another 15 feet ahead.   You have got to be SHITTING ME.

I wound up missing an entire day of work, realizing my insurance sucks ass, and calling a SUICIDE hotline 11 times.  It was infuriating.  So my friend and I called the girl that hit our cars since she left the information on our windshields.  It's not like she had a choice since she completely totaled her car and there were witnesses.   She agreed to meet up with us.  We walked to her work which was about 5 blocks away.  Ironically, she works at a Auto Body Shop, which of course doesn't fix classic cars.

My buddy says to her, "What happened?"  She goes on to talk about how she BLACKED OUT.  She doesn't remember anything.  "It just happened" she said.  Your God Damned Right it did.  By the way did I mention this girl was 21 years old?  Well, she is.  So we both say, "We're just glad you didn't get hurt."  Even though it took every ounce of my being not to strangle her...  I'm thinking, this bitch was definitely on her cell phone TEXTING.  All 21 year olds are FULL OF SHIT.  She goes on to say, "Don't worry, my insurance will take care of it."  HA!  Yeah okay little lady.  Let me just bend over while everyone FUCKS me in the ASS.

Now I'm battling with her INSURANCE company who won't be sending a CLAIM'S adjuster to check the damage until Monday.  That's 5 fucking days after the accident.  Are you kidding me?  5 days without a car!  I called her Insurance company back this morning and gave the assigned adjuster a piece of my mind, which she did not like one bit.  It was like talking to a third grader.  At least the people working at the BANK are required to have a HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA... Obviously these asswipes are NOT.  Seriously, these morons couldn't pass a 5th grade English test.

And how about these on the scene COPS?  On each of our cars was a parking pass with our addresses on them.  You'd think those fucking Jackasses could figure it out and come knock on our doors and let us know that our cars looked like they were out drinking last night after a monster truck rally.  Nope.  The reason we didn't hear the crash was because it happened on the side street behind our building.  It would have been nice for the cops to let us know instead of  waking up in the morning and having a pie smashed in my face in the middle of the street.  When I first saw it I felt like ACE VENTURA after he figured out Finkel was EINHORN.  "EINHORN IS A MAN!!!"

So I know somebody out there has it worse.  It's not that bad.  I will try to look at the bright side here, but now do you understand why I HATE so many things?  Nothing is easy in this life.  Some people can't catch a break.  That's why we have to make our own... And in that girl's case, she needs to remove her head out of her boyfriend's lap, stop fucking texting and when she's about to get into an accident learn how to use her FUCKING BRAKES... Instead of speeding up and smashing into 3 parked cars on the side of the street.  Her license should be taken from her.  What a joke.

I AM UNDER NO OBLIGATION...

To make the world a better place, but I'd like to think I'm TRYING.  I try to be nice to people whenever it's humanly possible.  I'm always trying to avoid conflict, whether it be in the MIDDLE EAST or in line at the IN-N-OUT Burger (which I love... surprise, surprise).  I do all I can to be PATIENT.  I try to work efficiently at my job and do the best I can everyday.  I've always tried to be a good SON and brother and feel like I've done pretty well.  At times I was a pain in the ass as a student, but I always got by and RESPECTED my teachers and elders.  This past Sunday night, I RECYCLED every last bottle of beer that was consumed in my house over the weekend.  I even paid a bill ONLINE this week to save a stamp for fuck's sake.  And when I'm in a relationship, I've tried to be an unselfish boyfriend and simply a GOOD man.

Now with all that being said, I'm not always in the right.  I've done disrespectful things.  I've JAYWALKED.  The fact that Jaywalking is illegal makes me want to SKIN a Congressman.  I've hurt people.  I've forgotten to recycle.  I've cut people off on the freeway.  I've lied.  I've stolen.  I've eaten fried chicken.  I've taken advantage of people.  I've done things for the wrong reasons.  Long story, long... I've done some things I'm not proud of.  I'm no ANGEL, nor do I claim to be.  Admitting when you're wrong is not always easy, but it's the right thing to do.  I know the world isn't all rainbows, roses, and blowjobs, but a little apology goes a long way.

I can't remember why I started writing.  It used to be therapeutic.  It used to be pure.  I used to do it for no good reason at all.  Now it has become an obsession with a way to get ahead in the world.  But get ahead how?  Financially?  Maybe.  Not likely, but possible.  Have people read your work and learn from it?  Maybe.  Influence others?  Maybe.  Again, not likely, but possible.  Honestly, I don't know why I do it.  I think I wanted to inspire others.  Perhaps I just wanted some unneeded attention.  I do know I wanted to make people laugh.  I wanted to make them cry.  I wanted to extract any emotion from the reader.  It feels good.  Most importantly I wanted to light a fire under my ass.  And I wanted to be INSPIRED again.

Somewhere along the way I lost my motor.  I lost my drive.  I lost focus.  I began questioning myself.  What am I here to do?  I came here to pursue a goal most people would call unattainable.  I say it's only out of reach if I let it get too far away from me.  For a while here, I'd let it slide.  But from now on, I refuse to SETTLE.  Settling is such a cop out.  What does that say about me if I'm letting opportunities slip right through my hands?  Not much.

After using this as a mere exercise for me to push through a case of writer's block, I believe I've finally broken through.  It's time to cut the shit, get back to work and stick to the original GAMEPLAN.  And believe me, my getting back to work will make the world a better place... and the people that surround me a lot happier.

So I will continue to strive to be as patient as a Buddhist Monk.  I will drive my roommates hybrid when he doesn't need it.  And maybe someday I will get my own.  I will try not to kill people riding bikes around town.  I will make a conscious effort to recycle more often.  I will pay my PARENTS back the $400 they let me borrow when they barely had it to give.  And I will stop buying sneakers at an exponential rate to give that 6 year old Indonesian SLAVE LABORER a break.

Apparently I've offended some people with this nonsense.  I am not apologizing for my intellectual property.  It's my writing, and all I'm doing is being honest.  Most likely it has nothing to do with you.  I'm not here to make YOU happy.  This is my thing, not yours.  If you don't want to be a part of my FREE therapy sessions, so be it.  If you'd like to tell me to go FUCK MYSELF... By all means, go for it.  The best time of the year is upon us... Fall, Football Season, and Halloween will be here before you know it... So I will take it with a grain of salt and a smile on my face.  I hope your summer was as good as mine, but I'm glad it's over.  Peace and a bottle of hair grease.