I AM TERRIFIED OF...

One day walking into my closet to find out my favorite sweatpants and hooded sweatshirts have moved on to greener pastures.  The thought of them not being there keeps me up at night.  I don't have kids.  I don't have a dog.  I have comfortable house clothes and I care for them with all my heart.  And the best part is they don't need to be fed, nor do they talk back.  They're just awesome.  If you're anything like me, you love lounging around in your sweats.  After a long day of work, I can't wait to get home, throw my clothes in the hamper and suit up in my in-house UNIFORM (Jets hoodie, Nike sweatpants and slippers).

A great pair of SWEATS are hard to come by.  Over the years, I've had so many pairs of sweatpants, especially with all the sports I played.  We got a new pair every year for football, in both High School and College.  Man, they were comfy.  So that means I should have 8 pairs, right?  I'm no Mathematician, but that sounds correct.  Well guess what... Not even close.  I have 2.  One from HS and one from college.  Unbelievable.

The last remaining HS pair WAS great, but the waistband has since worn out, so they hang off my skinny ass.  Speaking of asses, there's a huge hole in the ass of those pants.  I have no idea where it came from.  And the College pair is now GINORMOUS (cause I used to be 35 pounds heavier) and they have oil stains all over them.  A few years back, I bought some oil to refill my engine and didn't use it all.  Like an idiot, I threw the opened container into my trunk right next to my sweats, so I can't exactly wear them in public.  They look like they've been floating in the Gulf Of Mexico for the last month.

Now HOODIES are a different story.  First off they're EXPENSIVE, so when I get a free one I'm pumped.  I got one in High School for a State Championship and it was a bit small.  I looked like a creepy hipster in it, so I gave it to a friend.  He now parades around New York City donning my famed hoodie claiming he went to my school and played on that championship team.  My college hoodie still hangs in my closet, but is mostly used for working out.  Second, the actual HOOD has to be perfect size in order for me to fall in love.  This may sound crazy, but all hoods are different.  It needs to be just oversized, so my obscenely large DOME can fit in it and if I want to sleep with the hood on, I can... without choking myself to death.  Well, beggars can't be choosers... The truth is a Hoodie is kind of like pizza... Even when it's bad... it's  good.

For some people it's a flannel shirt and a nice pair of pajama pants.  That's not for me, but I get it.  To each his own.

What I don't get is why it's frowned upon to leave your house in anything but nice clothes.  Celebrities are constantly getting bashed for their fashion sense at the supermarket.  I'm not a Mariah Carey fan, but who gives a flying fuck if she's wearing a butt ugly neon green valor jumpsuit at Target?  I know I don't.  I know they're celebrities and we hold them to such a high standard since they're in the spotlight, but should they have to be dressed for a Red Carpet event while at RALPH'S picking up baby wipes and toothpaste?  I don't think so.  I say wear whatever the hell you want... And let's leave these mother fuckers alone.  They're people too.

Comfort is key.  If you're comfortable; you're good to go.  Now, I'm not saying if your sweatpants have an enormous hole in the ass, you're 175lbs overweight, and wearing a belly shirt you should leave your living room... Cause you shouldn't.  But if you are rocking a sweet pair of sweats and a hoodie while at CVS to buy condoms (even if you're a extra on Hannah Montana), I ain't mad at you.

If I could go everywhere in my slippers I would, but then I couldn't get into my bed with them... And I would be mistaken for a homeless man, again.  Yes, it's happened before, and I'm sure it'll happen again.  If I were famous, I would most certainly be the guy getting bashed for his sense of style at the grocery store... And I wouldn't give a shit.  I'm all about the sweats baby.

So looking back I wonder where all those sweatpants went.  I know my football sweats from HS were robbed by various girlfriends over the years.  And there's no doubt about it, my hoodies shared the same fate.  Women love to steal men's comfortable knocking around clothes.  What's up with that?  If I let you rock one of my HOODIES, it doesn't mean you can take off and never return it.  That duty will be for my wife, because I know where she lives.  Broads are dancing around their living rooms right now in my HOODIES and SWEATS all over the country wondering where the hell they got them.  Pisses me off.  No respect.  Stay the hell out of my closet!!!

I AM WONDERING...

about the actors who participate in commercials for prescription drugs and weight loss products.  They must be getting PAID.  Bigtime.  Well, obviously, but notice how you never see any SUPERSTARS doing promos for VALTREX or that HPV shot for women to prevent Genital Warts.  Imagine Kate Hudson doing an ad for Herpes medication... If she did, I bet she wouldn't be getting banged by any NEW YORK YANKEES.

Poor Sally Field.  She's the biggest actor I can think of involved in this bullshit.  She is the spokeswoman for BONIVA.  It's a prescription medication used for osteoporosis treatment in post menopausal women.  Boniva helps reverse bone loss.  I guess it's not bullshit after all.  I find myself feeling bad for her.  I think, "Man, she was so hot in Smokey and the Bandit".  Then I wonder if she even has the disease.  She better, because if she's out there lying that would be a motherfucker.  No seriously, she's doing a good thing spreading the word about prevention and detection of the disease, but make no mistake about it, she is making BANK off of her demise.  And she was still smoking hot as Forrest Gump's mom, I just wish she would have drank more milk in her youth.

What about Jason Alexander?  I know you're from New Jersey, so I'm a fan, but what's going on with these Jenny Craig ads?  He's definitely making a pretty penny.  Was he even fat?  I didn't think so.  Yeah, he was a little chunky, but George Costanza isn't supposed to be skinny.  If he starts looking like Al Roker, I'm going to shoot myself in the face.

Jenny Craig isn't the only one... I see a lot of my favorite football players doing the Weight Watchers commercials.  20 pounds for 20 bucks... or some shit like that.  Give me a break.  You and I both know that shit costs way more than that.  And Dan Marino was NEVER dumpy, yet he's in the ads.  That guy is a maniac.  It would be impossible for him to be fat.  So what does this mean anyway?  Will football fans follow in his footsteps by eating non salted pretzels all day?  Will they start taking wheat grass shots while tailgating in the parking lot?  Dolphins fans maybe, but the rest of us... I doubt it.

You know what I'd really like to see...  Some celebrity whore or gigolo telling the world they have an STD.  That would take BALLS.  I bet that would get everyone's attention.  I mean, as a collective society we hang on every word a celebrity says, so why shouldn't they step out.  And by stepping out, I don't just mean out of the homosexual closet (which is also good), but the STD closet needs to open up, too.  I know it's embarrassing, but it will help a lot of people out.  Imagine Angelina Jolie telling the world she got herpes from banging Billy Bob Thornton without a rubber in the back of a limo... It would be ground-breaking... And awesome.  I bet you people would use condoms more often.  I can see some silly college broad in Middle America right now telling her friend, "I mean, like, if Angelina can get it... We better be careful... Does that mean Brad is tainted too?"

One of my favorite commercials out there right now is for VIAGRA.  It's the one with a middle aged man with ED (Erectile Dysfunction).  Go figure.  This guy is walking down the street and his reflection in a window says to him, "So, heading to the doctor?"  "Uh, yeah" the man answers.  "You gonna ask him this time" the reflection continues.  Man: "About what?"  Reflection: "Our Erectile Dysfunction."   Man: "SHHH! NO, I don't want to talk about it.  Reflection: "Look, you're not alone.  Millions of men with ED have talked to their doctors."  Man: "I don't know."  Reflection: "We can do this." Man: "Okay."  Then he walks into the doctor's office and obviously tells him about his noodle.  And the best part... On the way out he HI-Fives his reflection in the window.  I lose it every time.  HILARIOUS.  I know if that was me, I'd be home in the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror naked yelling at my JOHNSON to perform... "You're a fucking soldier!!! Stand at attention!!! NOW!!!"  

I would kill to see Clint Eastwood doing an ad like this one.  I would die.  For the record, I hope this is NEVER a problem I have to deal with.  According to my DAD, I never will.  He says, "HA! You have nothing to worry about, son. The Men in our family are STRONG LIKE BULL!!!"