I AM DROPPING A TOP TEN...

On a Monday.  This one's for my boy C. Riley who appreciates when I do a top ten on my college email chain like no other.  Here are my top ten favorite INVENTIONS...

10.)  SOAP.  Without this one we'd all look like Joe Pesci in "With Honors".  Soap-making was established in 7th Century Europe.  We have Italy, Spain, France, and ENGLAND to thank for manufacturing this great invention on a large scale.  It soon became a profitable enterprise by the 12th Century.  People were fed up with being dirty.  Cities were disgusting.  Government officials were sick of looking at paupers with dirt on their faces, so they made soap available to all.  Too bad nobody took their advice... If they did maybe they could have avoided the fucking PLAGUE.  Probably not though (as I squirt some PURELL on my hands like a maniac).

I have to say, I am forever grateful for Europeans bringing the first movement of cleanliness to the world, but it still confuses me as to why they won't wear DEODORANT.  A shower just isn't enough, pal.  Clean it up.  Rite Aid is having a sale on my favorite deodorant right now.  Let me know if I can pick a stick up for you on my way home from work.

9.)  THE RAZOR.  I don't need to explain this one.  If you're interested in my take on the razor, go back and read my entry from early April.  http://iamkeadly.blogspot.com/2009/04/i-am-eternally-grateful-to-first-woman.html

Nobody likes a hairy lady.

8.)  INDOOR PLUMBING.  Seriously... Maybe the best invention of them all.  I can't imagine having to go outside in the middle of the night to take a DUMP in a wooden outhouse.  Who the hell wants to freeze their ass off outside and get a splinter on their bum while trying to have a healthy BM at 2AM?  Not me.  I guess I have to thank the inventor of the TOILET as well.  Thanks, toilet guy.  

And what about Showers?  I mean what's better than a hot SHOWER in your own bathroom?  Nothing in my opinion.  Where would we be without these luxuries?  I know...  Picture yourself standing knee deep in a river lathering the crack of your ass with a bar of SOAP, all while taking a PISS, when your neighbor strolls by with her two kids and the family Cocker Spaniel.  You wave.  They scream.  That would be awesome... and terrifying.  

Credit for the invention of Indoor Plumbing is given to the Romans.  Why not, right?  They invented everything else.  They also conquered most of the Earth at the time.  My only beef with their inventions is the underlying GAY theme with most of them... Just not sure what this one is?  Roman Bath Houses.  Yeah, that's it.

7.)  THE CAMERA.  It was first invented as a tool for ARTISTS to see a subject clearer at a distance for purposes of drawing with depth of field.  This took off early in the 19th Century.  At first they were only able to capture a still for a brief period of time.  Shortly after a device was developed so that the picture seen through the lens of a camera could be captured onto material (paper).  Genius.

Cameras are the BEST.  We shoot movies on cameras.  We take pictures for sentiment with cameras.  The art form that is PHOTOGRAPHY comes from the camera.  Cameras have allowed us to take tangible memories with us wherever we go.  Some of us even use them to get famous.  Paris Hilton.  Some of us use them to relaunch our careers.  Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson.  Some of us use them cause we are complete fucking idiots.  Carrie Prejean.  That stupid, simple minded peasant otherwise known as Miss California.  So with that said, take naked pictures of yourself, shoot a porn with your boyfriend and throw them up on one of my other favorite inventions (The Internet) and you'll immediately have a following.

Without the Camera we wouldn't have such a clear picture of HISTORY.  We'd still be reading people's accounts of what happened in a particular place and time.  And since more than one person knew how to write, we'd be juggling stories and realizing that people were just as full of shit back then as they are today.

6.)  THE LIGHTBULB.  This one goes to fellow New Jerseyian Thomas Alva Edison.  Yeah the guy was born in Ohio, but so what... he did all of his important work in Jersey, so piss off.

At the time of Edison's lamp invention in 1879, gas lighting was a well established industry.  The gas infrastructure was in place, franchises had been granted, and manufacturing facilities for both gas and equipment were in profitable operation.  So without a doubt, people were both excited and pissed about what was on the horizon.  Soon enough Electrical lines were up and houses across the world were lit up.  The world was a much brighter place.

Of course none of this would a have been possible without ELECTRICITY... which wasn't invented.  It was probably stumbled upon by some dude who rubbed his feet on the carpet and then zapped his girlfriend by simply touching her.  Or maybe Allesandro Volta invented the first source of continuous electric current in a lab somewhere... who knows.

I can't fathom living in the DARK.  Fucking candles and gas lamps?  Are you kidding me?  We really have it easy.  Can you picture all those people having SEX in the dark for so many years?  Poor chaps.  Who has sex in the dark anyway?  Weirdos.  It must have been easy to get drunk at the local watering hole and take some 10 (or 2) home.  It didn't matter what she looked like, cause you could barely see her... until morning when you wake up next to OLGA and are as terrified as I was when I first saw the film "CANDYMAN".  Oops.  At least back then you had an excuse.

5.)  THE WHEEL.  Obviously.  The Wheel is arguably the most important invention of all time.  The world would be a completely different place without it.  

The wheel was the cornerstone of the INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION for Christ's sake.  Take a second to think about all of the things that work with wheels.  It will drive you out of your mind.  The ball on my Blackberry is a wheel.  Cars, bikes, trains, planes, roller skates, the automatic pitching machine, VHS tapes (do people still own these? I do... and have nothing to play them on), The AB roller, the mouse on your computer, Dr. Finkelsteins chair in "The Nightmare Before Christmas", and most suitcases (for you lazy bums) all have wheels.  Phew.  I'm definitely thankful to the HUMAN responsible for creating the first pottery wheel, which is believed to be the first kind.  Back in 3500 BC people thought this invention was unimportant, since it dealt with making bowls, plates, cups, and vases... little did they know what would come.  Silly Mesopotamians.

4.)  THE GAME OF FOOTBALL.  Allow me to begin by thanking the English for inventing RUGBY first because without them we wouldn't have been able to steal their already great idea and make it so much better.  Like we did with "The Office" (I know everyone says that the English version is better, but you're wrong) or murdering and pillaging people on land we claimed, but was already inhabited.  Thanks Brits.  Love you guys.

American FOOTBALL was started in 1879 by a player/coach named Walter Camp at YALE University.  If you were wondering why they only let smart people into that school... Here's your answer... It's because the dude that invented FOOTBALL went there.  Duh.  

What Camp did was take Rugby and make it a more complex game, with an intricate set of rules.  What most people don't know is football is a game of precision and strategy.  It's like Chess.  Each move you make must be carefully, yet swiftly executed...  I know the brutality of the game is a bit primative, but there is so much more behind the game.  Not just any moron can play... and play well.  Football players are actually quite smart; not always book smart, but in order to have any success on a major level, a player must be intelligent.  There are so many rules, plays, and so much instruction going on during the course of a game you'd be surprised at how smart some of these dumb asses are.  

By the way, the first football game ever played was in NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY between Princeton and Rutgers.  The game was won by RU 6-4.  Must have been a barn burner.

3.)  THE CELL PHONE.  Now, I know I've mentioned my distaste for jerks yapping on this device loudly, and how impolite this ghastly THINGAMAJIG has made us all, but it's still very important.  I love my Cell cause I can call my mother wherever I am.  This isn't just so she doesn't have to worry; it's if I'm doing something interesting, I can share a little bit of what I'm experiencing with the H-Bomb (My Mom). 

Back in 1947 at BELL Laboratories (AT&T's research arm) the cellular communications idea was spawned, but nothing came of it until the late 1960's.  By this time, Bell and MOTOROLA were competing in the rat race of cellular inventions.

In 1973, a former general manager for the system division of Motorola named Dr. Martin Cooper made the first call on a portable cellular phone.  Oddly enough, he called his rival over at Bell Labs, head of research Joe Engel, without a doubt to tell him... "I won, go fuck yourself."

Cooper is considered the inventor of the first portable headset.  Obviously it didn't look like anything we are carrying around today.  It was more like a portable CINDER BLOCK with an antennae sticking out of it, Zack Morris style.  Dr. Cooper was 70 years young at the time and unsatisfied with his accomplishment.  He wanted them to smaller, cheaper, and accessible to all.  It was said that he wanted everyone to be able to carry a portable phone EVERYWHERE.  Well guess what MARTY, you got your fucking WISH.  Three year old whipper snappers call their play dates to tell them they just SHIT their pants... again.  Mission accomplished, pal.

2.)  THE COMPUTER.  This one most people love for different reasons than I do.  People crave the ability to play games, communicate via email or ichat and stare at virtual photo albums.  I do not.  I believe we take for granted the computer's most simple, (yet probably technically complex) feature... Being able to save your writing... or anything for that matter.

So many names can be mentioned in the effort to launch the first computer... I'll stick to two.  Konrad Zuse, a German scientist, had the idea of building a controlled calculating machine for dealing with extensive calculations.  I don't understand any of the scientific MUMBO JUMBO which came next, but I do know people were working on the same shit in the U.S.  Howard Aiken was our guy in the States.  Basically he and Zuse, were separately developing complicated calculators.  Thanks for that guys, because everyone hates doing long division on paper.  Who the FUCK wants to show their work?  I used to want to tell my teachers to shove it...  We're lazy, remember?

Okay, so back to the reason I have so much love for the COMPUTER... The TYPEWRITER was such a pain in the ASS.  I love to write and as we all know it's easy to make mistakes when we type.  With a typewriter you had to white out mistakes individually... which sucked.  

Also if a random idea came to you; you're only option was to put it down on paper.  And what if you lost that piece of paper?  You'd be fucked.  Taking notes on your computer and having the ability to hit a simple SAVE button is perfection in my book.  Click SAVE and BAM!!!  It's on file, forever...  Man oh man... I love the computer almost as much as beautiful Canadian women.

1.)  THE INTERNET.  "What the fuck is the Internet?" Jay asks Ben Affleck in "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"... you may have the same query.

The Internet is a worldwide network of thousands of computers and computer networks.  It's a public, voluntary, and cooperative effort between the connected institutions and is not owned by any single organization.  It really boggles my mind as to how it works, but it's so sweet.

The idea for said network first went into development around the same time the first cell phone call was made in 1973.  An American Computer scientist named Vinton Cerf championed this project through the United States Department of Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency and was directed by American Engineer Robert Kahn, not Al Gore. 

Obviously it took 20 years of development until it really took off publicly.  In the 90's, the Internet was the wave of the future.  It began with a few emails, Instant Messenger and a few Virtual reality games and five years later everything known to man was accessible via the NET.

The Internet has made communicating so simple it's disgusting.  Between Computers, the NET, and CELL PHONES... there is no excuse for not staying in touch with your friends and family.  Also you don't even have to leave your house to embarrass yourself and your family by purchasing pornographic material in some CREEPY shop.  It's all readily available to you in the privacy of your home.  Because of the INTERNET, nobody has to know you're a CREEP, unless of course you're on the MEGAN'S LAW online list.  Thanks INTERNET.

Honorable mentions:  The AIRPLANE... I could write about this incredible machine for days.  So many inventions came before it in order to get it off the ground..  I have such respect for airplanes.  Every time a plane flies over my head I say, "How the fuck do they do it?"

The CONDOM... It's said that the first condoms were used as early as 1000 BC.  They were made out of linen.  We know this because of cave paintings.  I know, trust me, I have been in many caves... especially in the Middle East... And those drawings are there.  Even Neanderthals thought..."Wow, I can do this and NOT have Kids?... Thank God!" "Wait, I can wrap this meat-rod up and PREVENT it from leaking like a broken faucet?"  "Amazing... now all we have to wait for is someone to invent the rubber condom... Or rubber."

I AM NOT COMPLAINING...

Anymore.  That's it.  I do it far too often.  We all do.  Complaining is the ultimate form of TIME SUCKAGE.  Time is too precious.  There are way too many things we ALL take for granted.  There is way too much for live for.  I waste so much time thinking about what could have been... What I should have done.  I should have been productive instead of dwelling on the past, but so be it.  The past is THE PAST.  Life is too short.

Do I hate my life sometimes?  Yes.  Do I regret decisions I have made?  Yes.  Have I been impatient?  Yes.  Do I occasionally get frustrated too easily? Yes.  Do I keep people at a distance intentionally?  Yes.  Am I afraid of failure?  Of success?  Yes.  Finding my purpose has proven to be be quite difficult over the past few years.  I sometimes forget what my plan is.  Do I even have one?

This past weekend I received some bad news.  A guy I went to High School with passed away.  He had been battling Cancer for quite some time.  He was truly one of the GOOD guys.  I didn't know him as well as I would have liked because we ran in different circles.  He was one of those people that seemed to always be smiling.  I never met anyone that said they didn't like this guy.  It's probably safe to mention that you couldn't find a soul on this planet to say a bad thing about him.  Needless to say, it was sad day, even though I wasn't close with him.

A few years back I was at a JETS game.  They were playing the Cincinnati Bengals on their home opener.  Myself, my brother, my best buddy and three other friends all had season tickets.  We were getting after it that day. My brother had made a pork shoulder that had been cooking for 12 hours (for pulled pork sandwiches) and our buddy Jimmy had cheffed up some serious ribs.  It was a feast.  The only thing was, my best buddy wasn't there.  I'd called him multiple times, but got no answer.

About 30 minutes before the game, he showed up.  I had been tailgating since the breakfast hour for this 1:00PM kickoff, so I was feeling "AWESOME" to say the least.  He on the other hand, was a mess.  His shirt was covered in blood.  His demeanor was frightening.  Once he calmed down, he explained to me he was going through some family troubles with his father.  I said, "So what are you doing here man?"  He just wanted to come give us his ticket and a few other tickets he got through work so that we could sell or give them away.  The two tickets he got from work were 2 rows from the field behind the endzone.  I was pumped about the seats since ours were in the upper deck (Note: All seats are pretty good in the Meadowlands) but at the same time worried about my friend.

I asked him if he was Okay, and he said, "Yeah man, just have some stuff to take care of at home...  Do whatever you want with the tickets."  This guy never missed a game, so I knew whatever he was dealing with was SERIOUS.

As I walked into the stadium among the masses I felt for my friend and thought, "What a great guy".  He came all the way to the stadium to give ME the tickets.  He wanted ME to see the game up close and personal.  It was almost as if he felt like me being there was just as good as him being there with me.  This dude is top notch.  I hope everyone has a friend like him.  So I walked down to my new seats wearing a wife beater, drinking a beer (typical Jersey style) all while yelling at the top of my lungs.

I arrived at my seat and immediately started screaming at the Bengals warming up on the field.  Well, this time it wasn't heckling in typical Jet fan fashion... I was yelling for my friend and college teammate who at the time was the starting Free Safety for the Bengals.  (He now starts for the Minnesota Vikings.)

After getting some attention from Cincinnati's defensive backs, the crowd around me thought I was a lunatic... And they weren't far off.  In the middle of one of my rants about how I should be on the field playing, I heard someone behind me calling my name.  I turned to the sea of GREEN and couldn't recognize any faces.  Mind you, I was wearing shades and probably couldn't recite the ALPHABET or pick my BROTHER out in a two person LINEUP. (Footnote Ty) 

So I turned around and focused for a second with a drunken curiosity and heard the call again.  And sure enough in the row behind me and a few seats down was RYAN MCGRATH, a kid I went to Prep School with.  Ryan and I were always really cool with one another back in High School.  He was also a Baseball teammate of my buddy that had given me the seats.  They had lost touch over the years, but were friends.  Ryan told me he hoped everything was Okay with my friend and told me to make sure I said "Hello" for him.  He was sitting with a few other people we went to school with, so I sat and chatted with them.  He cracked me up.  He told me about his college wrestling career as well as his new job coaching.  It was like I'd seen him the day before, although it had been at least 5 years since we last spoke.  

This kid was a GREAT athlete.  Ryan excelled in Baseball and Wrestling... which he pursued at the University of Virginia and later at Rutgers.  At the current time he was coaching wrestling at a school not far from my house.  My brother wound up coaching at the same school the following year where they saw each other a few times.  I learned a lot about Ryan that day although we only spoke for a short while.  We gave each other a hug and hi-five and parted ways.  I thought to myself, this was a guy I should have spent more time with.

My memory of Ryan is as follows... He was a HUGE hit with the ladies.  McGrath was tall and handsome.  He was intelligent.  He was a great friend to so many.  He was without a doubt a great son.  I just wish I knew him better, but sometimes that's life, you know?

On Saturday morning, November 6th, I received a call from another old friend from High School.  She told me Ryan had passed.  He was just a year older than me.  At the time I was watching my IOWA HAWKEYES plummet from national Championship contention and suddenly I didn't care about football.  An unexplainable sadness washed over me.  I worried about his family, his friends and anyone close to him.  I knew he had Cancer.  I'd always wanted to reach out, but I never did.  There was nothing I could do.  Then, everything fell into perspective.  Sometimes shitty things happen to the BEST people. It's just terrible, but our time on this Earth is LIMITED.  We really have to make the most of it.  And from a distant perspective Ryan did just that.  When I knew him, he was the kind of guy everyone wanted to be like.  He was Happy... Well Liked... Respected... for all the right reasons.  I know my entry may not make a difference in anyone's life, but I feel like it's necessary to say he touched everyone he knew... even those that didn't know him best.

To his family and dearest friends (Ryan Williams, Adam Boyd, Kevin Kennedy, Bracken, BJ, Chuck and the rest of the Blair Day Crew and many others I have missed)... My sincerest condolences go out to all of you.  Ryan is no longer suffering.  In this time of grieving, I hope you can take comfort in that.  And know this... he influenced us all.

So when you're down... When you're complaining about the outfit you have on, or the fact that you can't find a job, or dishes in the sink... Cut the shit.  Realize you have it good.  Somebody always has it worse.  Smack yourself in the face and move on.  Respect those that came before you.  Do something to better yourself.  Spend time with your family and friends.  Don't be afraid to live.  Make a difference... Like Ryan did.

For RYAN MCGRATH- Rest well, my friend.  You will be missed by all.

I AM ALONE...

and sometimes I feel like this was the way it was meant to be.  And when I say ALONE, I don't just mean SINGLE, I mean alone at this very moment.  It's 1:09 AM PST and everyone in my age bracket is almost certainly out drinking their faces off, dressed as some character from their favorite film, and makeup is running furiously down women's faces like some skank at the climax of a STAG film.  I chose to be here though.  This isn't some form of depression.  It's a form of expression... A stepping stone toward adulthood perhaps.  

I'm usually a big fan of HALLOWEEN.  It's always fun to dress in costume for a party.  It's the one time it's absolutely acceptable for adults to look and act like complete MORONS.  I've had some good costumes over the past few years.  Three years ago I was STEVE PREFONTAINE, the famous distance runner from Oregon, who died during his prime.  The year after, I was Christian Bale's character, Patrick Bateman, from "AMERICAN PSYCHO".  Both were HUGE hits with the crowd.  

Last year I was underprepared for the holiday.  I didn't have time to shop around or even think of a homemade costume.  I wound up walking around HOLLYWOOD in tight Dinosaur Pajama bottoms, slippers, a throwback Dick Butkus jersey and my favorite wool Chicago Bears beanie with a poofy ball on top.  Although I looked like a douche, I didn't care because Hollywood is full of Douches.  It really sucks to go out around there.  It's even worse on Halloween.  They close down streets.  Traffic is awful (worse than normal if that's even possible).  Chicks are dressed like hookers (which is every night in those parts).  Trannies are out in full force.  West Hollywood looks like Harvey Milk is giving a speech for City Supervisor on every corner.  And every phony BRO in the SOUTHLAND is roaming the streets unknowingly auditioning for Dateline's "HOW TO CATCH A PREDATOR".

Halloween is not supposed to be a fashion show.  You're not supposed to look COOL.  (There's that word again.  I hate it.)  Your costume is.  You shouldn't be thinking about getting laid for your good looks; you should be trying to get laid by the merit of your costume.  Yes it can be difficult to come up with something original, but do your homework... You'll think of something.

I know dudes love Halloween cause it's also the one time of year CHICKS can dress like complete SLUTS and no one judges them for it.  Except me of course.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a short skirt, stockings, high heels, and blinding cleavage all over the place, but it can become quite the distraction throughout the night.  Usually all you're thinking about is shagging every chick in a French maid outfit.  Being surrounded by women dressed like school girls is worse than being SHIT FACED surrounded by SLUMP BUSTERS.  At least in the latter case you will probably get lucky.  The first situation just gets you a STIFFY, with your stiff drink in hand.  And more likely than not, you will strike out with every hot girl there because you'll spend more time fantasizing, instead of drinking to get your confidence up and actually speaking to them.  Fucking women rule the Earth.

So this year, all of my friends were excited for Halloween yet again, but there weren't any solid plans.  One group wanted to attend a party in Hollywood, which I immediately VETOED.  Been there, done that.  It's too far anyway and I'm already going to spend an eternity in HELL, why should I spend one more day there while I'm still alive?  Another group suggested a Hotel Party in the South bay.  Still too far.  Definitely not driving, nor am I taking a $70 cab ride unless of course that includes tip and the party is at Hef's house.  I do want to hang with my friends but where the Fuck are the good parties in my neighborhood?  That's pretty selfish...  I hear the college kids across the alley getting blitzed right now.  Sounds fun.  We should have went to that.

Now as the day rapidly approached, everyone kept asking me, "What are we doing on Saturday?"  And each time I said, "I have no idea" because I HAD NO IDEA.  Honestly, I didn't care.  I don't really have money for going out and having a GOOD time.  And since Halloween fell on a weekend, everybody wanted to get dressed up and hit the town Friday and Saturday.  I agreed to do Friday.

My good buddy and I decided on Thursday night that we were going to be THE WET BANDITS.  Maybe better known to you as MARV and HARRY from "HOME ALONE".  (Obviously I was going as Harry cause I am almost as vertically challenged as Joe Pesci)  A little sidebar here... "Home Alone" is easily in my Top Ten favorite movies of ALL TIME.  I love that shit.  I watch it around 30 times a year during the Holiday Season. 

We went out on Friday, and our duo costume was a hit among friends, but outside our group not enough people picked up on the "Home Alone" reference.  That was disappointing.  Maybe I'm getting old.  Maybe I need better ideas for costumes.  Doubtful.  Come on Jokers... My boy had the IRON MARK on his forehead and I had feathers all over my coat and soot on my face.  Get with it people.  "Home Alone" is a CLASSIC, and will stand the test of time.

So here I am.  Most of my friends are out.  I'm sitting at my desk at this ungodly hour scribbling about myself like an ego maniac.  Pretty pathetic I guess, but I'm happy.  I'll feel awesome tomorrow morning for not going out.  By the time I post this entry tomorrow, I'll be flipping burgers on the grill and my peers will be sluggishly getting out of bed in time to watch the second round of NFL games.  

Sometimes it's good to be ALONE.  Read a book.  Watch a movie.  It feels fantastic to know you're doing something different than everyone else in a particular moment.  So if you're alone, don't let it get you down, embrace it.  You need it.  I need it.  We need it to breathe.  It's simply a survival technique.  Being surrounded by people all the time can get claustrophobic, especially when they're in costumes.

(Happy Halloween kids.  I hope you get some Skittles.  I think I hear the neighbors winding down.  That means it's time for me to call it quits.  I could use a solid night of sleep and this Bon Jovi Documentary is about to start on SHOWTIME.  Who needs a costume when you have cable?)