On a Monday. This one's for my boy C. Riley who appreciates when I do a top ten on my college email chain like no other. Here are my top ten favorite INVENTIONS...
10.) SOAP. Without this one we'd all look like Joe Pesci in "With Honors". Soap-making was established in 7th Century Europe. We have Italy, Spain, France, and ENGLAND to thank for manufacturing this great invention on a large scale. It soon became a profitable enterprise by the 12th Century. People were fed up with being dirty. Cities were disgusting. Government officials were sick of looking at paupers with dirt on their faces, so they made soap available to all. Too bad nobody took their advice... If they did maybe they could have avoided the fucking PLAGUE. Probably not though (as I squirt some PURELL on my hands like a maniac).
I have to say, I am forever grateful for Europeans bringing the first movement of cleanliness to the world, but it still confuses me as to why they won't wear DEODORANT. A shower just isn't enough, pal. Clean it up. Rite Aid is having a sale on my favorite deodorant right now. Let me know if I can pick a stick up for you on my way home from work.
9.) THE RAZOR. I don't need to explain this one. If you're interested in my take on the razor, go back and read my entry from early April. http://iamkeadly.blogspot.com/2009/04/i-am-eternally-grateful-to-first-woman.html
Nobody likes a hairy lady.
8.) INDOOR PLUMBING. Seriously... Maybe the best invention of them all. I can't imagine having to go outside in the middle of the night to take a DUMP in a wooden outhouse. Who the hell wants to freeze their ass off outside and get a splinter on their bum while trying to have a healthy BM at 2AM? Not me. I guess I have to thank the inventor of the TOILET as well. Thanks, toilet guy.
And what about Showers? I mean what's better than a hot SHOWER in your own bathroom? Nothing in my opinion. Where would we be without these luxuries? I know... Picture yourself standing knee deep in a river lathering the crack of your ass with a bar of SOAP, all while taking a PISS, when your neighbor strolls by with her two kids and the family Cocker Spaniel. You wave. They scream. That would be awesome... and terrifying.
Credit for the invention of Indoor Plumbing is given to the Romans. Why not, right? They invented everything else. They also conquered most of the Earth at the time. My only beef with their inventions is the underlying GAY theme with most of them... Just not sure what this one is? Roman Bath Houses. Yeah, that's it.
7.) THE CAMERA. It was first invented as a tool for ARTISTS to see a subject clearer at a distance for purposes of drawing with depth of field. This took off early in the 19th Century. At first they were only able to capture a still for a brief period of time. Shortly after a device was developed so that the picture seen through the lens of a camera could be captured onto material (paper). Genius.
Cameras are the BEST. We shoot movies on cameras. We take pictures for sentiment with cameras. The art form that is PHOTOGRAPHY comes from the camera. Cameras have allowed us to take tangible memories with us wherever we go. Some of us even use them to get famous. Paris Hilton. Some of us use them to relaunch our careers. Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson. Some of us use them cause we are complete fucking idiots. Carrie Prejean. That stupid, simple minded peasant otherwise known as Miss California. So with that said, take naked pictures of yourself, shoot a porn with your boyfriend and throw them up on one of my other favorite inventions (The Internet) and you'll immediately have a following.
Without the Camera we wouldn't have such a clear picture of HISTORY. We'd still be reading people's accounts of what happened in a particular place and time. And since more than one person knew how to write, we'd be juggling stories and realizing that people were just as full of shit back then as they are today.
6.) THE LIGHTBULB. This one goes to fellow New Jerseyian Thomas Alva Edison. Yeah the guy was born in Ohio, but so what... he did all of his important work in Jersey, so piss off.
At the time of Edison's lamp invention in 1879, gas lighting was a well established industry. The gas infrastructure was in place, franchises had been granted, and manufacturing facilities for both gas and equipment were in profitable operation. So without a doubt, people were both excited and pissed about what was on the horizon. Soon enough Electrical lines were up and houses across the world were lit up. The world was a much brighter place.
Of course none of this would a have been possible without ELECTRICITY... which wasn't invented. It was probably stumbled upon by some dude who rubbed his feet on the carpet and then zapped his girlfriend by simply touching her. Or maybe Allesandro Volta invented the first source of continuous electric current in a lab somewhere... who knows.
I can't fathom living in the DARK. Fucking candles and gas lamps? Are you kidding me? We really have it easy. Can you picture all those people having SEX in the dark for so many years? Poor chaps. Who has sex in the dark anyway? Weirdos. It must have been easy to get drunk at the local watering hole and take some 10 (or 2) home. It didn't matter what she looked like, cause you could barely see her... until morning when you wake up next to OLGA and are as terrified as I was when I first saw the film "CANDYMAN". Oops. At least back then you had an excuse.
5.) THE WHEEL. Obviously. The Wheel is arguably the most important invention of all time. The world would be a completely different place without it.
The wheel was the cornerstone of the INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION for Christ's sake. Take a second to think about all of the things that work with wheels. It will drive you out of your mind. The ball on my Blackberry is a wheel. Cars, bikes, trains, planes, roller skates, the automatic pitching machine, VHS tapes (do people still own these? I do... and have nothing to play them on), The AB roller, the mouse on your computer, Dr. Finkelsteins chair in "The Nightmare Before Christmas", and most suitcases (for you lazy bums) all have wheels. Phew. I'm definitely thankful to the HUMAN responsible for creating the first pottery wheel, which is believed to be the first kind. Back in 3500 BC people thought this invention was unimportant, since it dealt with making bowls, plates, cups, and vases... little did they know what would come. Silly Mesopotamians.
4.) THE GAME OF FOOTBALL. Allow me to begin by thanking the English for inventing RUGBY first because without them we wouldn't have been able to steal their already great idea and make it so much better. Like we did with "The Office" (I know everyone says that the English version is better, but you're wrong) or murdering and pillaging people on land we claimed, but was already inhabited. Thanks Brits. Love you guys.
American FOOTBALL was started in 1879 by a player/coach named Walter Camp at YALE University. If you were wondering why they only let smart people into that school... Here's your answer... It's because the dude that invented FOOTBALL went there. Duh.
What Camp did was take Rugby and make it a more complex game, with an intricate set of rules. What most people don't know is football is a game of precision and strategy. It's like Chess. Each move you make must be carefully, yet swiftly executed... I know the brutality of the game is a bit primative, but there is so much more behind the game. Not just any moron can play... and play well. Football players are actually quite smart; not always book smart, but in order to have any success on a major level, a player must be intelligent. There are so many rules, plays, and so much instruction going on during the course of a game you'd be surprised at how smart some of these dumb asses are.
By the way, the first football game ever played was in NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY between Princeton and Rutgers. The game was won by RU 6-4. Must have been a barn burner.
3.) THE CELL PHONE. Now, I know I've mentioned my distaste for jerks yapping on this device loudly, and how impolite this ghastly THINGAMAJIG has made us all, but it's still very important. I love my Cell cause I can call my mother wherever I am. This isn't just so she doesn't have to worry; it's if I'm doing something interesting, I can share a little bit of what I'm experiencing with the H-Bomb (My Mom).
Back in 1947 at BELL Laboratories (AT&T's research arm) the cellular communications idea was spawned, but nothing came of it until the late 1960's. By this time, Bell and MOTOROLA were competing in the rat race of cellular inventions.
In 1973, a former general manager for the system division of Motorola named Dr. Martin Cooper made the first call on a portable cellular phone. Oddly enough, he called his rival over at Bell Labs, head of research Joe Engel, without a doubt to tell him... "I won, go fuck yourself."
Cooper is considered the inventor of the first portable headset. Obviously it didn't look like anything we are carrying around today. It was more like a portable CINDER BLOCK with an antennae sticking out of it, Zack Morris style. Dr. Cooper was 70 years young at the time and unsatisfied with his accomplishment. He wanted them to smaller, cheaper, and accessible to all. It was said that he wanted everyone to be able to carry a portable phone EVERYWHERE. Well guess what MARTY, you got your fucking WISH. Three year old whipper snappers call their play dates to tell them they just SHIT their pants... again. Mission accomplished, pal.
2.) THE COMPUTER. This one most people love for different reasons than I do. People crave the ability to play games, communicate via email or ichat and stare at virtual photo albums. I do not. I believe we take for granted the computer's most simple, (yet probably technically complex) feature... Being able to save your writing... or anything for that matter.
So many names can be mentioned in the effort to launch the first computer... I'll stick to two. Konrad Zuse, a German scientist, had the idea of building a controlled calculating machine for dealing with extensive calculations. I don't understand any of the scientific MUMBO JUMBO which came next, but I do know people were working on the same shit in the U.S. Howard Aiken was our guy in the States. Basically he and Zuse, were separately developing complicated calculators. Thanks for that guys, because everyone hates doing long division on paper. Who the FUCK wants to show their work? I used to want to tell my teachers to shove it... We're lazy, remember?
Okay, so back to the reason I have so much love for the COMPUTER... The TYPEWRITER was such a pain in the ASS. I love to write and as we all know it's easy to make mistakes when we type. With a typewriter you had to white out mistakes individually... which sucked.
Also if a random idea came to you; you're only option was to put it down on paper. And what if you lost that piece of paper? You'd be fucked. Taking notes on your computer and having the ability to hit a simple SAVE button is perfection in my book. Click SAVE and BAM!!! It's on file, forever... Man oh man... I love the computer almost as much as beautiful Canadian women.
1.) THE INTERNET. "What the fuck is the Internet?" Jay asks Ben Affleck in "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"... you may have the same query.
The Internet is a worldwide network of thousands of computers and computer networks. It's a public, voluntary, and cooperative effort between the connected institutions and is not owned by any single organization. It really boggles my mind as to how it works, but it's so sweet.
The idea for said network first went into development around the same time the first cell phone call was made in 1973. An American Computer scientist named Vinton Cerf championed this project through the United States Department of Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency and was directed by American Engineer Robert Kahn, not Al Gore.
Obviously it took 20 years of development until it really took off publicly. In the 90's, the Internet was the wave of the future. It began with a few emails, Instant Messenger and a few Virtual reality games and five years later everything known to man was accessible via the NET.
The Internet has made communicating so simple it's disgusting. Between Computers, the NET, and CELL PHONES... there is no excuse for not staying in touch with your friends and family. Also you don't even have to leave your house to embarrass yourself and your family by purchasing pornographic material in some CREEPY shop. It's all readily available to you in the privacy of your home. Because of the INTERNET, nobody has to know you're a CREEP, unless of course you're on the MEGAN'S LAW online list. Thanks INTERNET.
Honorable mentions: The AIRPLANE... I could write about this incredible machine for days. So many inventions came before it in order to get it off the ground.. I have such respect for airplanes. Every time a plane flies over my head I say, "How the fuck do they do it?"
The CONDOM... It's said that the first condoms were used as early as 1000 BC. They were made out of linen. We know this because of cave paintings. I know, trust me, I have been in many caves... especially in the Middle East... And those drawings are there. Even Neanderthals thought..."Wow, I can do this and NOT have Kids?... Thank God!" "Wait, I can wrap this meat-rod up and PREVENT it from leaking like a broken faucet?" "Amazing... now all we have to wait for is someone to invent the rubber condom... Or rubber."
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