I AM ALONE...

and sometimes I feel like this was the way it was meant to be.  And when I say ALONE, I don't just mean SINGLE, I mean alone at this very moment.  It's 1:09 AM PST and everyone in my age bracket is almost certainly out drinking their faces off, dressed as some character from their favorite film, and makeup is running furiously down women's faces like some skank at the climax of a STAG film.  I chose to be here though.  This isn't some form of depression.  It's a form of expression... A stepping stone toward adulthood perhaps.  

I'm usually a big fan of HALLOWEEN.  It's always fun to dress in costume for a party.  It's the one time it's absolutely acceptable for adults to look and act like complete MORONS.  I've had some good costumes over the past few years.  Three years ago I was STEVE PREFONTAINE, the famous distance runner from Oregon, who died during his prime.  The year after, I was Christian Bale's character, Patrick Bateman, from "AMERICAN PSYCHO".  Both were HUGE hits with the crowd.  

Last year I was underprepared for the holiday.  I didn't have time to shop around or even think of a homemade costume.  I wound up walking around HOLLYWOOD in tight Dinosaur Pajama bottoms, slippers, a throwback Dick Butkus jersey and my favorite wool Chicago Bears beanie with a poofy ball on top.  Although I looked like a douche, I didn't care because Hollywood is full of Douches.  It really sucks to go out around there.  It's even worse on Halloween.  They close down streets.  Traffic is awful (worse than normal if that's even possible).  Chicks are dressed like hookers (which is every night in those parts).  Trannies are out in full force.  West Hollywood looks like Harvey Milk is giving a speech for City Supervisor on every corner.  And every phony BRO in the SOUTHLAND is roaming the streets unknowingly auditioning for Dateline's "HOW TO CATCH A PREDATOR".

Halloween is not supposed to be a fashion show.  You're not supposed to look COOL.  (There's that word again.  I hate it.)  Your costume is.  You shouldn't be thinking about getting laid for your good looks; you should be trying to get laid by the merit of your costume.  Yes it can be difficult to come up with something original, but do your homework... You'll think of something.

I know dudes love Halloween cause it's also the one time of year CHICKS can dress like complete SLUTS and no one judges them for it.  Except me of course.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a short skirt, stockings, high heels, and blinding cleavage all over the place, but it can become quite the distraction throughout the night.  Usually all you're thinking about is shagging every chick in a French maid outfit.  Being surrounded by women dressed like school girls is worse than being SHIT FACED surrounded by SLUMP BUSTERS.  At least in the latter case you will probably get lucky.  The first situation just gets you a STIFFY, with your stiff drink in hand.  And more likely than not, you will strike out with every hot girl there because you'll spend more time fantasizing, instead of drinking to get your confidence up and actually speaking to them.  Fucking women rule the Earth.

So this year, all of my friends were excited for Halloween yet again, but there weren't any solid plans.  One group wanted to attend a party in Hollywood, which I immediately VETOED.  Been there, done that.  It's too far anyway and I'm already going to spend an eternity in HELL, why should I spend one more day there while I'm still alive?  Another group suggested a Hotel Party in the South bay.  Still too far.  Definitely not driving, nor am I taking a $70 cab ride unless of course that includes tip and the party is at Hef's house.  I do want to hang with my friends but where the Fuck are the good parties in my neighborhood?  That's pretty selfish...  I hear the college kids across the alley getting blitzed right now.  Sounds fun.  We should have went to that.

Now as the day rapidly approached, everyone kept asking me, "What are we doing on Saturday?"  And each time I said, "I have no idea" because I HAD NO IDEA.  Honestly, I didn't care.  I don't really have money for going out and having a GOOD time.  And since Halloween fell on a weekend, everybody wanted to get dressed up and hit the town Friday and Saturday.  I agreed to do Friday.

My good buddy and I decided on Thursday night that we were going to be THE WET BANDITS.  Maybe better known to you as MARV and HARRY from "HOME ALONE".  (Obviously I was going as Harry cause I am almost as vertically challenged as Joe Pesci)  A little sidebar here... "Home Alone" is easily in my Top Ten favorite movies of ALL TIME.  I love that shit.  I watch it around 30 times a year during the Holiday Season. 

We went out on Friday, and our duo costume was a hit among friends, but outside our group not enough people picked up on the "Home Alone" reference.  That was disappointing.  Maybe I'm getting old.  Maybe I need better ideas for costumes.  Doubtful.  Come on Jokers... My boy had the IRON MARK on his forehead and I had feathers all over my coat and soot on my face.  Get with it people.  "Home Alone" is a CLASSIC, and will stand the test of time.

So here I am.  Most of my friends are out.  I'm sitting at my desk at this ungodly hour scribbling about myself like an ego maniac.  Pretty pathetic I guess, but I'm happy.  I'll feel awesome tomorrow morning for not going out.  By the time I post this entry tomorrow, I'll be flipping burgers on the grill and my peers will be sluggishly getting out of bed in time to watch the second round of NFL games.  

Sometimes it's good to be ALONE.  Read a book.  Watch a movie.  It feels fantastic to know you're doing something different than everyone else in a particular moment.  So if you're alone, don't let it get you down, embrace it.  You need it.  I need it.  We need it to breathe.  It's simply a survival technique.  Being surrounded by people all the time can get claustrophobic, especially when they're in costumes.

(Happy Halloween kids.  I hope you get some Skittles.  I think I hear the neighbors winding down.  That means it's time for me to call it quits.  I could use a solid night of sleep and this Bon Jovi Documentary is about to start on SHOWTIME.  Who needs a costume when you have cable?)