I can't wait until a woman is President. I will love to see how the FIRST MAN handles that one. He'll probably quit his job, spend all day at home watching SPORTSCENTER on repeat, try to bang every intern in the WHITE HOUSE and choke the chicken every chance he gets all while drinking himself into oblivion.
(NOTE: This is going to be a long one, so don't hold your breath... Unless being asphyxiated gives you a WOODSTOCK... Then by all means, go for it.)
You know what really raises my eyebrows (besides themselves, since they seem to be growing closer and closer to my hairline every day)? Political debate among commoners. Man, people get heated. This person thinks that person's a baby killer. This guy hates tax reform. This lady is adamantly opposed to Gay marriage. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. One person believes this... the other believes that. It all depends on who raised you and where you grew up. That's why we all don't see eye to eye. I come from the Middle Class (which seems to be disappearing). My father was a union official and my Mom was working woman (not that kind you filthy animals). So we all tend to lean to the left, since most RIGHT WINGERS are Anti-Union, but we're always open to someone new with good ideals no matter which end of the spectrum they fall. Fucking Reagan... What an asswipe. Anti-Union actor/President... you have to be kidding me. Needless to say there was not much political debate happening in our house. Phew. But this made me ever more interested.
Last year was the first time I'd ever voted. It was a proud moment for me. My voting station was actually in a HOUSE in my neighborhood. These nice folks opened their garage to a whole bunch of lefty voters in Santa Monica, CA. It was awesome. Vote "No on Prop 8" the signs read! I felt like I was a part of something... Something special. I had a chance to make a difference and I was taking it. The line was around the block, but it moved along quite nicely. Now these were real Americans. People that wanted change so much they opened up the polls right next to the old man's tool collection. I was loving my country on that day.
I'd always followed Presidential Elections for as long as I can remember. My limited political knowledge is as follows... I guess BUSH vs. DUKAKIS was the first one I actually recall. It was 1988. I was 7. I specifically remember my brother having stickers on his closet door that read, "AMERICANS FOR BUSH!!!" I'm pretty sure he didn't care about the race for President as much as he did for the race for real BUSH. If anyone has seen the popular '80's flick "REVENGE OF THE NERDS" you know what I'm talking about. If not, SCRAM. You're on the wrong page. "Are you ready for the sex girl!" Love that song. Sorry, that movie cracks me up.
As History would soon tell, GEORGE H.W. BUSH won the election. It was the third term in a row we had a REPUBLICAN in office. Dukakis blew it big time because of a convicted RAPIST/MURDERER named Willie Horton. It's complicated political shit, but basically Dukakis vetoed a bill which would have stopped weekend furloughs for first degree murderers. This, in turn, allowed citizen SCUMBAG (aka Horton) to go free for a couple days. And sure enough, Horton went on a raping mission and assaulted the woman's boyfriend to place the cherry on top for good old Dukakis. Although this happened in his first term as Governor of Massachusetts, it didn't matter. He was screwed from the JUMP. Bush's campaign talked about Horton nonstop, and in time even the hard core DEMOCRATS in my neighborhood thought Dukakis was a dipshit.
The next two elections in '92 and '96 were won by Democratic Candidate, and former Governor of Arkansas, BILL CLINTON. He crushed in both elections. This guy Clinton has had some life. I mean shit... we all know about it. The dude loves women. Can you blame him? From Gennifer Flowers to Monica BLEWCLINTSKY, to his ever ballsy and politically headstrong wife Hillary Rodham Clinton. I remember watching the election of '96 in middle school. Also the impeachment hearings were well covered at my High School in '98.
(Note: I hope Hillary is the First woman President after Barack's 8 years in office. If Sarah Palin gets even close to the campaign trail, I may RUN... To CANADA.)
Obviously I wasn't able to vote during either term, but I followed him closely. Clinton was a great ambassador for the country... still is. People love the guy. Blacks, Crackers, Asians, Europeans, (Illegal) Aliens, and Transforming Robots from outer space all have an affinity for him. And you know what, so do I. Perhaps the only person that doesn't like him is his wife, but she's still with him. Political HOGWASH aside, he must be doing something right... if you know what I mean...
Bill had the country in good place. The economy was flourishing. People were happy. I know we had troops in Bosnia and other parts of the world, but we weren't feeling an immediate HOME THREAT like we would in the years to come. We didn't have hundreds of thousands of our boys and gals in IRAQ or AFGHANISTAN either. The middle class was still alive. Also on a completely unimportant note, America's favorite sports teams like the COWBOYS, BRAVES, and YANKEES were all doing well. Even Clinton's Alma Mater, ARKANSAS, won a national championship in college hoops in 1994. Things were looking up.
Then the shit hit the fan. In December of 1998 the House of Representatives IMPEACHED Clinton because of his discretion with Monica Lewinsky. The guy was a good President, yet we are trying to dethrone him when he sleeps around on his wife? Sounds stupid to me. Yeah he set a bad example when it came to marriage, but as a leader of the free world the guy was on point. He was able to keep the country in tact throughout the proceedings. He was eventually acquitted in February of 1999. So the guy had his faults... He likes cigars, BJ's and college hoops... and sometimes all at once, but hey, who doesn't?
When his term ended in 2000, his Vice President, Al Gore was on the campaign trail for the Presidency. I thought Gore was a shoe in. I know the RED STATES hated him because he's a wacky environmentalist, but can you blame the guy for trying to save the planet? I sure as hell ain't doing it, but somebody has to. Yeah, he wasn't the best speller or speaker for that matter, but he was effective at his job. And who the hell knows if Global Warming is real. It's hot sometimes, it's cold sometimes... whatever. Whether I believe it or not, I tip my hat to the guy for trying to clean up this pollution ridden land.
Now the trouble with this election was Gore ran against George W. Bush, son of the previously mentioned 41st President, George H. W. Bush. Republicans were hungry this time around. They wanted one of their own back in the office almost as badly as I want green tea, a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and an apple right now... well not that bad. He was doomed from the start. Republicans are fighters. They know how to get what they want at any cost. Historically, Democrats were not as willing.
So when the numbers came in on the night of the Election, it was close. So close in fact, it was too close to call. Fucking Florida. This ever important state worth 25 ELECTORAL VOTES was wetting the bed. They couldn't get their count right. At the time Gore was leading in electoral votes 255 to Bush's 246. If he took Florida, it was over. It was imperative for either candidate to win this state in order to become President. They both wanted it... BAD. George's brother, Jeb, was the Governor of that damn state... you'd think they'd be able to get the count right... But the problem was it wasn't in the favor of George.
The Recount process began. This voting tug of war went on for about a month. It was a nightmare. Florida's JACKASS Secretary of State, Katherine Harris, was all over the news. She was in charge of this debacle. Harris was constantly dolled up like a fucking RACCOON from Dallas, making a complete ass of herself. Finally, she ended up denying revised recount totals from 4 different counties where Gore probably would have won.
That was the first year I was eligible to vote. I was so pissed I didn't register. I felt helpless. It's not like my vote would have mattered since I lived in Maryland at the time, but regardless I watched in awe. I wanted Gore to win with a vengeance. That was when I realized... Voting is important. Apparently so is learning how to count. You hear that Florida? Gore was killing in the popular vote which is why everyone thought he'd win, but he desperately needed those last 25 electoral votes. You fucked him... Royally. Hey Mom and Dad, I think it's about time you guys got out of that snowbird state of DEMENTIA, and head west, or back north where people's heads aren't up their asses.
Oh yeah, Bush won the next election as well. He gently brushed his shoulders off when John Kerry tried to run against him in 2004. The Republicans basically called him a pussy for opposing the war in Iraq. Bush's war supporters came out and voted and... That puppet was in office for another 4 years.
So what's the point of this whole bullshit History Lesson? Well, when I voted last year; I was pumped about it. I registered as a NONPARTISAN because I hate labels even though this one was better than others I've had pinned on me, like: MEATHEAD, Jock (which isn't really a knock), Dickhead, Lothario, and Shoe Whore. I guess they're not so bad since they're all true. I couldn't wait to vote. I wanted to vote for a guy who made me feel good. I wanted to vote for an articulate candidate. I wanted a true LEADER. And for the first time in years, I felt like we had one. BARACK OBAMA.
Truthfully, people on the LEFT hated W so much they would have voted for Ronald McDonald if he ran. Yeah George Jr. sucked as the leader of the free world, but I'll tell you what, I'd love to hang out with that guy. I would love to know what is going on in that head of his. Also, when he gave BARACK OBAMA a pound the day of his inauguration I got teary eyed and thought, "Fuck, that dude is ice... I wonder if he'd come over for a few beers?" Maybe they could come over together. Doubtful.
All I'm saying here is we have to support whoever our president is. We can disagree with the guy, but if he makes a decision, there's not much we can do about it. And now we have a guy in there trying his best to clean up the shit storm W left behind. Let's give him a break. Let's back him. I voted for OBAMA. I cried during his inaugural address. It wasn't because he was black (although I do think the country did take a HUGE step in the right direction electing him). It was because HE IS THE MAN. That's right, I'm drinking the KOOL AID. And I don't give a rat's ass if he's sneaking a smoke here and there as long as he's taking care of business... And I HATE smoking.
As far as my political affiliation goes, I find myself somewhere in the middle... Maybe leaning toward the left. Let's put it this way... I hate HOLY ROLLERS and I HATE HIPPIES. That sounds like the middle to me. If you are against GAY MARRIAGE and ABORTION, you're just a stupid fuck. Who cares about what other people are doing? People need to start worrying about themselves and their own families instead of peeking into everyone else's business. I mean who the fuck wants to get married anyway? Yeah tax reform sucks, but why not take more from the wealthy folks instead of taking even amounts from everyone, including peasants like me. It's just not fair. And give the kids CONDOMS already. It doesn't reduce the feeling that much boys. Deal with it. But it does reduce the ringing in your ears, which you'll have with a baby crying all hours of the night. Fucking Jesus freaks have you leaning in the wrong direction. I can't stand them. Fine. If you want to have two baby seats in the back of your Ford F150 parked in front of your trailer where you're having sex like a free-loving hippy; teach your kids the word of God. So be it.
Okay, you can breathe now. I'm not sure what I've accomplished... Possibly nothing. Just a free association writing exercise. But you're probably dead already. I am glad you tried and died while reading my horseshit PSYCHOBABBLE though. So thanks. And don't talk to me about Politics because I don't know shit about it. Just make sure you vote when you have the chance... suckers.
Nice one. Psychobabble rambling aside.
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