I AM A GODFATHER...

Not "THE" GODFATHER, but "A" GODFATHER nonetheless. As of 2:03PM on Tuesday, July 28th, a baby boy was brought into this world by two of the finest people on the planet. His name is John Chase Tompkins. My best buddy's beautiful wife went through 20 hours of labor before the little champ spontaneously combusted... tipping the scales at a slim fighting weight of 6 pounds, 12 ounces.

I've always said I would be prepared for this moment. The moment in which one of my BEST friends had a child and decided to make me a permanent part of his or her life. I'll have to admit, I was not. Obviously I've known they were expecting a child for quite some time and when they asked me to be the Godfather I was speechless... Honored. I felt touched that somebody thought of me in such high regard. I couldn't wait for the time to come when I would be able to spoil the little guy rotten... And that time has come.

I knew I wouldn't be the first of my friends to have a child. I knew I would be one of the last to be married. What I didn't realize, was that I would be one of the first to be a GODFATHER. Holding this title is a very serious responsibility. Does anyone really know what it means to be a God Parent? It means that if God forbid anything happened to my beloved friends, I would be first in line to look after the little chap.

I have to tell you; I get choked up just thinking about it. I can't wait to hold him. I can't wait to teach him about music, sports, movies, and GIRLS. I can't wait to do my Ray Liotta impersonation from "GOODFELLAS" and have the kid look at me like I'm a maniac. It's going to be awesome.

One thing I have to say about babies, is that they bring out the best in MOST people. It doesn't matter how tough you are, cause as soon as you hold a baby you immediately turn into a giant fluff of cotton candy. You become Mr. Softy. It's amazing and hilarious. One second you're walking around cursing, acting like an idiot and then suddenly there's a baby in your hands and you're bopping around, making baby talk and being all sweet. I love it.

I'm so happy for my friends... And even happier for that little boy. He is going to have the best parents in the WHOLE world. A life of love and joy awaits him. I just can't wait until he's old enough to realize it.

So now that I hold this title... I need to get my SHIT together... excuse me STUFF... I'm not allowed to curse in front of the baby. This is somewhat of an AWAKENING for me. It's a reality check. I need to hurry up and get cracking... actually make something of myself. This kid can't have a BUM for a Godfather. I won't let that happen.

My God Parents are fantastic people... Especially my Godmother. She is my Mom's best friend from childhood. She was always there for me when I was a kid. When I was sick in grade school and my Mom couldn't leave work to come get me (although she would have), I called Aunt Sandy. She would be there in an instant. She was unbelievable. We spent many Holidays with her family. Christmas Eve and New Years Eve were the best. She threw the best parties. She always kept her family together. It was a great example to see even at a young age. She was the best host. She loved her kids like no other and always treated us like we were a part of HER family. She was great to me... still is. And for that I will be forever grateful. Thanks Aunt San... you're the world's greatest Godmother. I just hope I can do as good as you did with my Godson.

So from this day forth, I promise to be a better man. If not for my own sake, for my Godson's. I will make sure that I know him completely. I will make sure I am always a part of his life. I will be there through thick and thin... And set the best example that I possibly can for the little whipper snapper. I can't wait to buy him a little JETS jersey.

This entry goes out to WILL and MANDY... My best friends. My FAMILY. I admire you guys a great deal. You're my idols. Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby boy. I wish the 3 of you health and happiness during the fun days that lie ahead. I LOVE YOU GUYS.

I AM IN A PERSONAL RECESSION...

and headed into a downward spiral.  These next few months are going to be tough... real tough.  Finances are tighter than they've been in a while.  I'm shitting my pants over here.  It happens.  Good thing I always keep BABY WIPES on hand.  I should probably start carrying a fresh pair of undies with me as well.  Maybe if my friends back East would stop getting MARRIED, I would have more money... And I wouldn't be complaining.  You fucks.  Love you guys.  Send me a check ASAP.  Thanks.

A few years back I was depressed.  I had very little money and I'd been out here almost 2 years... I was just off of a landscaping gig and working part-time at a toy store.  All I had at the time were 2 short films in the can.  Needless to say, I hadn't accomplished much.  I thought my dreams were coming to an end.  Then I got an awesome job working on a film... And for the first time in my life, I had MONEY.  It was great.  I was eating Sushi 5 times a week like Jeremy Piven.  I could go out whenever I wanted.  Man those were the days.

About a year after that... the money ran out.  That tends to happen when you don't have a steady job paying you a lot of money.  So I took a full time job to pay the bills and support my nasty habit of actually LIVING.  Finally, I had some financial stability, but that never lasts long when you want to enjoy your life.  So enjoying my life became my new job and the money continued to dwindle away.  And then once again... the depression set in.  Fucking money... I love to hate it... Love to have it.

So I started to slow down.  I started to save.  I wasn't doing that bad.  I was being smart.  Now I'm not saying I was doing GREAT, but I live a very minimalist life... I don't require much to be happy.  It was nice.  Then I got another job on a film.  My part wasn't significant, but the money it paid me was... for me at least.  Once again I had some reserves in the money department.  Before I knew it, I got a raise at my full time gig.  The savings were beginning to look bright.  Time passed.  There was once again Sushi in my belly quite often.  I could treat my friends to dinner and or drinks, which meant I was smiling a lot.  Then... this fucking RECESSION set in.

As a result, I had to take a pay-cut while those fuckheads on Capitol Hill continued to make BANK and Big Businesses were still bringing in millions, robbing us like the Jesse James Clan.  My money began to disappear.  Bills added up.  I proceeded to enjoy my life.  So much that eventually all I had in my hand was my DICK... And a few nickels, a penny, and 2 dimes in the other hand, which I had to use for the meter outside the movie theater so that didn't do me any good.  One penny left.  Fuck.

I HATE THE RECESSION.  I'm sick of hearing about it.  It's bullshit.  The GOVERNMENT tells us we may have a Depression upon us.  And since we're idiots, we stop spending.  We only do that because those dipshits over-spend and due to all the media coverage about it no one goes shopping.  It never ends.  They talk about it every fucking day.  Enough already.  If we didn't hear about it every day people would be out wasting money like always.  Imagine if we all didn't live like greedy, gluttonous assholes... the country would always be in a Recession.

They want us to be greedy.  They want us to over-spend.  Otherwise we wouldn't be the most powerful country in the world.  The government has just as much control over us as that maniac in North Korea does over his minions.  Look, I love my country and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else, but the shit the government pulls is a joke.  It's as if they SCARE the SHIT out of us every 10 or 20 years to keep us in LINE.  Keep me in line?  FUCK YOU.  I'll do whatever the hell I want... with or without money.

I have no one to blame for my own recession/depression but myself.  Now the country's recession is your fault, not mine.  I didn't change my ways.  I spent the money.  That's the bottom line.  I made some bad decisions.  I also made some good ones.  And let me tell you... I had some great times along the way.  This time I'm not going to get down.  I REFUSE to let THEM win.  I can't be beat.  This time I'm going to produce a product that people want, instead of sitting on my ASS and worrying about it.  And all the while I'll be enjoying myself in the POORHOUSE.  In the meantime, I'm sure something will come up for me.  It always does.  And if not, I will make it come up.  And you... Yeah you... Go out and buy some shit... Cause "Sometimes you just have to say... What the fuck."  ... And I need a raise.

I AM A RAY OF SUNSHINE...

Not a NEGATIVE NANCY.  I'm just calling it like I SEE IT... Not how YOU see it.  So to take some of the pressure off before the weekend commences, I will enlighten you with some of the many things I LOVE... whether you like it or not.

1.)  PECAN PIE.  God I love it.  Especially on THANKSGIVING.  There's nothing better than having a big slice of Pecan Pie with a tall glass of milk.  No doubt it will put you in a coma after 14 courses of Thanksgiving dinner, but everybody has the next day off so you should definitely do it.  You can sleep it off.

2.)  HOT GREEN TEA and COFFEE ICE CREAM.  Not together of course, but individually they are both fantastic.  I'm not a coffee drinker, so nothing kicks off my day better than a fresh cup of Green Tea.  That shit is ridiculously revitalizing.  It makes you feel fantastic.  I also enjoy sipping on it while I dine on some SUSHI.  Now Coffee Ice Cream will be the end of me, I swear.  That BEN AND JERRY'S Coffee HEATH Bar Crunch will knock you on your ass it's so good.  I will eat that shit until I have a stomach ache any day of the week.  It's totally worth it.

3.)  SUSHI.  I never feasted on this fantastic food until I was 24 years old.  Nobody in my family ever ate it.  Now I can't get enough of the stuff.  My roomie's Step-Dad owns maybe the best sushi restaurant on the PLANET.  It's called SUSHI YASUDA in New York City on 43rd between 2nd and 3rd.  The place is off the hook.  If you're ever in New York... Hit it up.  I promise you'll leave this place higher that you've ever been in your life.  My recommendations in LA are... HAMA, which is Downtown on 2nd in Little Tokyo and OOMASA, which is the best moderately priced sushi in town... Also located Downtown in Little Tokyo on 1st.  Some sushi eating tips... Sit at the Sushi Bar if you can so you can watch the chef at work.  It's glorious.  Also, don't mix your wasabi with your soy sauce... the chef will think you are an amateur.  If you do that you probably eat a lot of rolls.  Put the wasabi directly on the fish and eat it with your hands.  That's how the Japanese do it, so why not follow along and respect their culture.  I rarely eat rolls.  Only Sushi and Sashimi.  Rolls defeat the purpose of enjoying the natural flavor and cut of the beautiful fish.  Some of my favorites are Halibut, Yellowtail, Red Snapper, Spanish Mackerel, Needle Nose Fish, and Albacore.  If you eat sushi, and haven't had any of these you should have your head examined immediately.

4.)  SCOTTY BUM DOT.  I love this guy.  Believe you me, the dude is hilarious.  He's one of my best buddies from college.  I've stolen his lines a few times on here and I have to give credit where it's due.  So before I make like titties and bounce... "Which one of ya'll white bitches is gonna..."  Thanks Scotty, you can finish that line cause my MOM reads this thing.  You the man.

5.)  COOKING.  I love cheffing it up for friends, family, and myself.  Everyone in my family is an EXCELLENT cook.  My brother is an ANIMAL in the kitchen.  My Mom doctor's up the Italian classics like none other and my Old Man makes the best London Broil and Meat Loaf you've ever tasted.  I love grilling Pork Chops, Portobello Mushrooms, Skirt Steak and a variety of seasoned vegetables.  But my absolute favorite thing to cook is my Mother's Sunday Sauce for Macaroni.  If you're Italian, or from the East Coast you know what I'm talking about... if not, too bad.  Everyone in my family makes some variation of her recipe with their own respective twists.  I use fresh heirloom tomatoes, basil and vidalia onions.  I make a puree with them and add it as I cook the sauce on the stove for about 6 hours.  All while pan frying meatballs, sausage, and baby back ribs that I add to the sauce as soon as they come off the pan.  Then, I either make some baked ziti or the pasta of your choice.  I like Angel Hair... but that's just me.

6.)  READING.  People should read more... including me.  There's nothing like getting your hands on a good BOOK.  A book can make you feel great... feel terrible... feel tired...  Especially when it's sitting on your night-stand and you can't wait to get home from work and read it and pass out in the middle of a page.  I love that.  Some of my favorite books of all time are... THE LORDS OF DISCIPLINE by Pat Conroy, HOLLYWOOD ANIMAL by Joe Eszterhas, TIMEQUAKE by Kurt Vonnegut, and of course THE CATCHER IN THE RYE by JD Salinger.

7.)  MY FRIENDS.  I can't live without you guys.  I'd lay down in traffic for most of you, not all, but some.  You just can't beat getting together with a bunch of your friends (especially ones you haven't seen in a while) after a long week of work to have some drinks.  The comedy that comes from those type of days is priceless.  

8.)  WOMEN.  I may not understand them, but I sure do LOVE them.  Tall or short... red, white, or blue... black, yellow or brown... I love you.  You are interesting characters and I will spend my entire life learning as much as I can about you while watching "THE VIEW" (I love Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg) fully comprehending that I will never truly understand you.  But know this... I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU... like the Whitney Houston song from "The Bodyguard" that she ripped off from some country singer.

9.)  RUNNING.  I can't imagine not running... or working out at all.  It's the best stress reliever there is.  Nothing like hitting the road with your own two feet.  A little music in your ears is never frowned upon while partaking in this hobby.  What I like best, is when I'm on my path jogging I somehow always realize there's nothing out there but SPACE AND OPPORTUNITY.  Running can help keep you sane.  Trust me, it's the only reason I'm not posting this blog from a rubber room right now.

10.)  SHOES.  SNEAKERS.  This one is bad.  I'm like Carrie Bradshaw when it comes to kicks.  If I drop dead tonight in my sleep, when the coroner comes to get my body he's going to say, "This little bastard has way too many pairs of shoes."  And if I wasn't already dead, I'd bet my life on it that if he wears a size 10, he's walking out of there with at least 3 pairs.  The thing is, I wear most of them.  And they're not all one kind... I have Nike, Reebok (Classics), Adidas, DC, Etnies, Saucony, Ben Sherman, Jordans, Diadora, Quicksilver, and Converse lining the shelves of my closet.  Variety is the key... especially when you have 50 pairs of sneaks.

11.)  PIZZA.  By far my favorite food.  Any food that's good even when it's bad is obviously AWESOME.  Pizza is always a fall back.  Even frozen pizza is good.  Now for REALLY good pizza, which is incredibly hard to find out here in Cali, you have to hit Brooklyn, New York City, New Jersey, Queens, Long Island and Staten Island.  The best pizza on earth is found in those places.  FACT.  Yes you can get good pizza in Chicago and Philly but nothing beats those other spots.  I know you folks from LA hate this, but the PIZZA here sucks.  There are a few spots that aren't that bad and from those my number 1 recommendation is Joe's Pizza in Santa Monica.  The slices are really good if you get them in the shop.  Delivery is suspect.

So you see, there are a few things out there that I like.  I'm just being HONEST over here... So Choke on it.

I AM A HATER...

just as much as the next guy.  Here are a few of the things I can't stand.  I'll try not to over do it... If that's even possible...

1.)  People riding BIKES on the ROAD.  Why the fuck do they have to follow the same laws as drivers?  It's ridiculous.  Every time I see a biker in a lane on the street they're just causing traffic.  I hate it when they get mad at you for driving around them or cutting them off.  Hey, FUCK you pal... get on the sidewalk and avoid pedestrians.  What am I supposed to do wait for you when your max speed is 30 mph?  If not on the sidewalk, can you please stay as far to the right of the road as possible?  It's not that hard.  This hatred includes Motorcycles as well.  First, I hate them cause they're so dangerous.  These jerks think they're awesome cause they can BUZZ by me on the Freeway?  Negative.  All somebody has to do is make a slight move and you're a GONER.  Sometimes it pisses me off so much I just want to open my door and watch one of those bastards go flying.  Just so you all know, I don't mind bikes on a BIKE PATH.  Like the ones that run the length of the beach towns from Santa Monica and Malibu down to Redondo Beach.  That's fine, just stay off the road.  I'm all for being GREEN, but don't be an asshole, huh?  I'm sick of my blood boiling when a Motorcycle flies by me on the freeway when I'm in gridlock... It's not fair.

2.)  People that are singers... that never stop SINGING.  Put a fucking lid on it.  We KNOW you can sing.  We know you have a great voice.  But we don't want you to break into song while we're cooking dinner or when we're watching a movie or especially when we're reading a book.  Zip it!  Singing is for the studio, the stage, drunk people, and the fucking shower.  Feel free to belt it out while you're getting ZEST-FULLY clean.  Otherwise... Got you at a 10... Need you at a 0.

3.)  Women that say they're not going to HAVE SEX with you tonight.  HAHAHAHA.  Maybe it's a first date, maybe a second... but let me assure you... THIS ALWAYS MEANS THEY WANT TO AND THEY WILL.  Not to sound like a rapist here, but if they didn't want to sleep with you, they'd just say GOODNIGHT and leave.  This has never happened to me, I swear... I heard about it on the radio.

4.)  People that are constantly bashing ACTORS.  Like this one sucks, that guy can't act... this girl is annoying.  TERRANCE HOWARD isn't at Kinko's saying you SUCK at making copies is he?  Nope.  I talk shit too, but not as often as others.  You think you can act?  Show me.  I want to see you get up on stage and perform or crush a monologue on a set full of people when the lights go on and the cameras start rolling.  What's even worse is an actor trashing another actor that is GOOD.  You're obviously jealous of them.  Cut the Shit... If you're good enough, your time will come.

5.)  People that smoke so much POT and think it's not affecting their brain function.  Look, I'm all for anything in moderation, but seriously... Where are your keys?  Where is your wallet?  Where is your phone?  I bet you can't find any of that shit.  Exactly.

6.)  People that talk about SPORTS when they have no idea what the HELL they're talking about... Especially women.  Come on.  Do I pretend to know about finance or interior design?  No, I don't.  It's okay that you don't like sports.  I don't get it, but really... you don't have to pretend.  It's alright, I promise.  I still want to take you to a ball game and watch you cheer and drink beers with me.  Just don't be a phony.

7.)  People that can't SWIM.  This one kills me.  Are you SHITTING me?  Get in the God Damned water already.  It's not that hard.  I understand being afraid of what's in the water, but that's another issue altogether.  If you are a teenager or an adult and you can't SWIM, I suggest you head to the local Y for some lessons right after you slap both of your parents in the face with a FILTHY GYM SOCK.

8.)  Women that smoke.  Hey, I don't mind if you crank an occasional HEAT-ROD when you're boozing, but if you're huffing on 2 packs of BUTTSKIS a day... BEAT IT SISTER.  If I wanted to make out with an ashtray I'd lick the top of my cooler out on our balcony that my loving roommate so conveniently turned into HIS cemetery for Parliament Lights.   Let me be clear here and say I don't hate ALL women that smoke, I'm just saying I wouldn't date one that did.  One night stand... Make out buddy... that's another story.  Smoke em if you got em.

9.)  J-DATE.  I HATE IT.  For those of you that don't know what this is... It's an Online Dating Service for Jews and creepy people pretending to be Jews so they can meet and make WHOOPIE with Jews.  Wow, that sentence has to go into the Guiness Book of World Records for the most uses of the word Jew.  I mean seriously... go to jdate.com right now... please do it.  I want you to look at these poor schmucks.  It's hilarious.  I already hate Online Dating as is, but why do the Jews have to stick together and be all pompous like that?  It's kind of weird, don't you think?  I absolutely hate it when I hear my Jewish girlfriends yapping about their J-DATES and their profiles and their pictures.  It makes me want to KILL myself.  And if you were wondering, I don't hate the Jews... my best friend is one... Although I do feel like BORAT right now after writing that.

10.)  People that are OVER-WEIGHT... and wearing unusually tight clothes.  Look I'll be the first one to admit that I've rocked some small t-shirts, but I'm a little guy... not some 250lb chick sporting a BELLY shirt.  I don't give a fuck how old you are.  15 year old girls shouldn't be wearing belly shirts whether they're fat or supermodels.  It hurts my feelings when a young fat kid is walking around with their gut hanging out.  It's not aesthetically pleasing.  It's quite offensive to be perfectly honest.  Does it make you feel good to show the big TIRE wrapped around your waist?  I sure hope so because I'm dying over here, yet I can't turn my eyes away.  Maybe I'm a prick and these people feel comfortable in their own skin.  Good for you, but nobody wants to see a cottage cheese ass... so cover yourself up... unless you're on the beach... cause anything goes there.

Okay that's enough dislikes for one day.  I don't want to put myself in the TANK.  I'm sure I'll be back with more...  I need to lay down.

I AM A STUDENT...

of LIFE.  I try to learn something new everyday.  Today I learned it costs a lot of money to fix an old CAR.  Last weekend I was a groomsman in a Catholic/Jewish wedding.  It was so JERSEY... I loved it.  There, I learned you can have a HOOPA and an ALTAR in the same place and no one will STONE the people standing before the two religious structures.  The Priest and Rabbi conducting the ceremony were a team.  They have some gig going.  They marry tons of couples like this and make a serious killing.  Genius.  Maybe I should get ordained...  On the 4th of JULY I learned that smashing tomatoes on the walls of your friend's house is NOT COOL.  And recently I learned people will say anything to hurt your feelings when they're angry with you.

Over the years I've learned a few other things... Avoid borrowing money from people at all costs.  It's a fucking nightmare.  Also avoid lending money to people.  It just turns you into and even bigger asshole than you already are.  Well, it's nice to be able to help someone out, but when times are tough it's just stupid.

Money IS the root of all evil whether you have it or not.  If you have a lot of it... people want a piece of what's yours.  If you have nothing... you envy those that have a great deal of CASHOLA.  It sucks either way, but I'm sure we'd all rather be on top than in the gutter.

What I'm learning on this long arduous journey to the top of the financial food chain (or to living in a sleeping bag on State Street up in Santa Barbara) is that it's hard to take big risks when you start at ZERO.  It tests every ounce of your being.  The constant struggle can only make you stronger, right?  I don't know.  I mean what is the reason for all of this?  Why do we want to make so much money?  To be HAPPY?  Or is it about accomplishing something great in your lifetime and doing what it is that you NEED to do?  But does money really bring happiness to your life?  I'm sure your anxiety levels drop a few notches in some areas and are raised in others.  Like...  Did you set the alarm on the front door?  Did you check the Picasso in the den before you got in bed?  Did the butler wax the Bentley?  Is the Valet going to be careful with my Porsche?  These are problems I haven't faced.  I know when I Valet my car, I throw the keys toward the Valet stand and all of the attendants DUCK.  I love that.  I'm just worried one of my keys will fall off the chain.

Since I've been in LA, I've had some highs and lows both financially and mentally.  But fuck it... All I can do is push through.  I know that this is the time of my life I'll remember the most.  I'm trying to cherish these moments while I still can.  You can learn a lot about yourself when you want something in LIFE.  Like how far you are willing to go to get it.  How hard are you willing to work?  That is the question.  Remember, there's always someone out there working harder.  That's how you have to look at it.  Otherwise the race is over.

So there's no surprising lesson here...  Except drive a new car if you can afford one.  And drive an old one if you can afford to fix it.  Otherwise be ready to get off your ass and walk.  Also you can say MAZEL TOV and crush glass in front of an altar and everyone is happy on both sides of the family.  And maybe you should make enough money so you can give it away as a gift instead of a loan... then everyone wins.  And keep this in mind... It's not really about the money.  It's about doing whatever you want to do with YOUR life.  Whatever makes YOU happy.  And finally, enjoy the the hard times because they're the most fun and apparently it's lonely at the top.  See you there.  Lonely in 2010... Who's coming with me?

I AM OFFENDED...

When a man carries condoms on him... and I'm a dude.  Really guy?  Are you so sure that you might get laid at work?  Maybe in the cafeteria?  Perhaps you're going to get some cheeks in the bathroom at the SUPERMARKET?  You may be thinking to yourself, "Well it's okay for a man to carry condoms when he's at a bar or out on the town, right?"  No, absolutely NOT.  That's even worse.  Why do you think 7ELEVEN is open 24 hours a day?  I'm sure there is a gas station near by or a 24 hour CVS open that will have mini raincoats for your QUARTER INCH KILLER between your legs.

Remember when we were kids and boys used to carry a single condom in their wallets?  Yeah, I never went through that phase.  That was for losers.  Those same guys (well not all of them as you will learn later) are still carrying around  that condom in their wallet today hoping the day will come when they can use it.  By the way my man, it's probably expired... you should check the date before you strap that thing on.  It probably looks like a piece of ALPINE LACE SWISS CHEESE.

Like everything else, there's a story behind my hatred for a man that carries condoms.  And it's not the time I was visiting a friend at his school while we were in college.  On that particular occasion, we were waiting in line to get into a PACKED bar dicking around.  Once we got in, one of my friends jumped on my back and the 12 condoms I had in my jacket pocket spilled onto the floor.  The music stopped.  Everyone went silent.  Then... they all laughed hysterically.  I just said, "Hey, it's better to be safe than sorry."  Everyone laughed again.  The only reason I was carrying condoms was because everyone at the party said they were getting laid that night no matter what, so I volunteered to be the condom dispenser... as a joke.  I haven't carried a condom on me since.

Now let me get to the REAL reason I loathe this practice.  Over a year ago I was seeing this nice young woman.  She and I had been HANGING out for about 2 months.  I hadn't had what you would call a TRADITIONAL girlfriend in years, but this was the first girl in quite some time that I was focusing on.  I wasn't interested in anyone else.  I wasn't messing around.  She appeared to be completely into me as well.  She introduced me to her folks and brought me over to their house numerous times.  Her brothers actually didn't hate me, even when she said they hated every other guy she dated.  At this point, I even had a box of condoms that I bought in her night-stand drawer next to her bed for PETE'S sake.  So I thought everything was cool and we were moving along quite nicely.

By this time, she had met most of my friends and I had met hers.  We were spending maybe 4 nights a week together... which in my book is A LOT.  And for the record, I don't normally do that.  She was always inviting me to things and saying how much she liked me... blah, blah, blah.  One night, she said one of her best friends was coming back into town the following day.  She explained that they were going to have dinner and drinks and that she would call me after.  The next day she called me and said, "Hey I'm leaving now for dinner... I will call you after and we can hook up later."  I said, "Okay, have fun... be safe."

When midnight rolled around and I hadn't heard from her; I didn't act like a jealous boyfriend by texting or calling her a hundred times.  I left her alone.  I figured she was having a good time and she would give me a shout the next day.  So I went to bed.  I'm not going to lie; as I was laying in bed I thought... "She's definitely banging this dude... or maybe something happened to her?"  But, I still didn't contact her.  I was making a point by not calling her that it was time for me to grow up and start trusting other human beings.  Isn't that silly?

The next morning at work I was still in the dark.  No contact.  Radio silence.  The whole morning I was thinking... "And I thought we said we would be honest... she definitely HUMPED this peasant."  Normally she would text or IM me when she got to work and we would wish each other a good day and have some witty banter.  But not this day.

Around NOON I got an Instant Message from her on my computer saying, "Guess what has two thumbs and got 6 stitches in her mouth last night?"  Wow!  What an asshole I am!  The whole time I thought she was rolling around naked in a pile of hay with this joker and she actually did get hurt.  So I call her and ask if she's okay and if there's anything I can do.  She says she wants to hang out at her place later that night.  I tell her as soon as I get off work I will stop at the store and grab some yogurts and some soup.  I wanted to go over there and make her dinner.  She said, "You're the nicest guy ever... that's so sweet... I'd love that."  I say no problem and I'll even bring over a funny movie for us to watch.  She says, "Great, I can't wait."  

I show up at her house around 7:30pm, groceries in hand.  She greets me at the door with a hug and a kiss.  We get into her condo and I put the food in her refrigerator.  I ask her what she wants.  She's not hungry.  She just wants to watch the movie.  I say "Sure... but what the hell happened to you?"  She goes on to explain that early in the evening at the restaurant she got a little tipsy.  By the time her sandwich came she was drunk.  She took one bite and didn't even realize there was a toothpick sticking out of the sandwich.  BOOM!  Right through the bottom of her tongue.  Ouch.  She told me it was bleeding profusely for a while, but didn't care becasue she had been drinking.  So she let it go until the next morning when she woke up and her mouth was throbbing.  She immediately went to the doctor, got stitched up, and headed to work.

So the movie ends and she says she's going to VEGAS that weekend with some friends and she has to pack.  She asks me if I want to help... and like an idiot I say "Okay".  Mind you, I'm walking around her house in MESH shorts and nothing else.  We get into her room and I jump onto the bed.  She starts pulling outfits from her closet.  And the first dress she pulls out is a skimpy sequins number.  She asks, "What do you think?"  I say, "I think if you wear that you're definitely getting laid."  I laughed.  She didn't.  And if you know my sense of humor, you'd know I was totally kidding.  She knew it.  Then she walked over to the bed and put the dress down.  She said she had to tell me something.  I said... "Here we go... what's up?"  She goes on to say that she hooked up with her friend.  I say, "HOOKED UP"? or "HAD SEX"?  Immediately she put her head down.  I knew it.  I said, "Thanks a lot pal."  So I began gathering my things, picking up socks off the ground, my computer... and headed for the door.  She followed.  Trust me this was much funnier in person.

She keeps asking me why I'm not saying anything.  I couldn't find the words.  I walked into the kitchen for some reason, stopped and said... "I hope it was worth it."  I got to the door, turned around and went back into the kitchen and started dumping the things I had put in the refrigerator earlier back into my bag.  I was saying calmly, "You don't deserve this shit."  Then I started to say mean things.  I didn't care.  So I headed for the door once again and it HIT ME.  MY CONDOMS.  I turned back to her and said, "Wait a second did he FUCK you with one of my condoms?"  She put her head down yet again.  And then quietly answered... "No, he had some on him." AH HA! HAHAHAHAHA!  What a scumbag!!! I knew it!  I immediately walked back into her room and took my condoms out of her drawer laughing.  All the while saying, "Some friends you got... the guy brought condoms out to dinner with an old friend."  Some friendship they have, huh?  NICE.

What pissed me off the most, is she knew they were going to at least make out... and HE KNEW for sure that he was going to FUCK her.  What is even worse is that this all went down after she CUT HER MOUTH OPEN.  That's disgusting.  What a class act.  Stay Classy San Diego.  I know I wouldn't be trying to SCHTOOP some chick with a bloody fucking mouth.  That guy must be some kind of winner.  What a joke.  But the truth is... the joke was on ME, not them.  He was a winner.  I was the idiot.  So I left the apartment in shock feeling betrayed.  I should've known.

What kind of self respecting man brings a condom out to dinner with a FRIEND.  I NEVER bring condoms with me when I'm having dinner with one of my lady-friends.  This is why I'm always saying men and women can't be friends.  This story proved my point completely.  Some old friends they were.  Watch out ladies.

Maybe I was an inadequate lover.  Maybe I was not a good enough companion.  Maybe I was just not what she was looking for.  Who knows?  I'll never know for sure.  Maybe they were just scumbags.  Maybe they did me a favor.  Whatever.  She had too many guy friends anyway.  It was all my fault for trusting her and expecting too much.  You can't expect too much out of people or you'll end up disappointed.  

I learned many valuable lessons from this great experience and have since moved on bringing my learnings with me.  Look out for the chicks with too many guy pals.  Always go with your first instincts.  Looking back I knew it was going to be a problem from the beginning.  I honestly hope they are living happily ever after, because I sure am.  And ladies if a guy is carrying rubbers around with him, he's probably not looking out for your best interests.  And the next time you tell someone your dating to "have fun" and "be safe"... you better pray they don't take it literally and bone one of their old guy friends with one of your condoms.  Hey, at least they didn't use mine.  Victory.

 

I AM WALKING OUT OF AN AUDITON...

the other day feeling relieved and unnerved at the same time.  Relieved it's over... And unnerved because you never really know how the HELL you did.  If anyone has ever been on an audition, you know what I'm talking about.  You walk into a room with 5 or 6 people in there just waiting for you to begin acting so they can JUDGE you.  If you think acting is easy... you are dead wrong.  Being an actor is ridiculously difficult on the mind, body, and soul.  And AUDITIONING is the hardest part.

Why do you think many actors are anorexic, insecure freak-shows?  It's because they are asked to do what the kids on American Idol do, but in a 12 x 12 room that's hot as shit and it's not being broadcasted.  These rooms could make Bear Grylls claustrophobic.  And everyone in there is trained to HATE you before you even open your mouth.  They're like TERMINATORS, if you will.  I only compare this to American Idol because although it's one big audition, those kids that get past the screeners that we see on TV have already won.  I'm not saying it's easy for them, cause it's not, but THEY ARE ON TV.  They are getting the chance to do their thing on camera in front of MILLIONS of people.  Yeah, there's a camera in the auditioning room when you are reading for any part, but only 6 or 7 people are going to see it.  If 1 person likes you, and 6 don't... you're fucked.  At least on AI we can vote for those wackos.

Let's jump back a little bit so I can enlighten you on what happens prior to getting INTO THE ROOM.  First, they send you the script and SIDES for the audition.  SIDES are excerpts from the script that contain your lines... like an important individual scene that you will be reading in the room.  They usually send these a couple of days before so that you can prepare.  So you go over your lines with a scene partner or anyone at home, or in the mirror... whatever floats your boat until the day of judgement.  On that day you carry your sides around at work (if you're me) or in a Starbucks if you are a spoiled brat (don't worry I realize you're just luckier than me if this is you... I'm just jealous).

It's now time to mentally prepare yourself, or what we like to call getting into character, which is not and easy thing to do when you are changing in the bathroom at work 20 minutes before while reading the sides.  

Okay, so then you head over to the place where they're holding the auditions.  Once you get into the waiting room, you usually feel like an ASSHOLE because there are 12 other guys in there dressed just like you.  Even worse is that they all look like YOU, or some variation of you.  Well this makes sense because there's a reason they brought these people in... because they LOOK the part.

So you sign in and sit down.  And you WAIT... and then you wait a little longer until they call you in.  You watch your competition go in and out of the room swiftly.  Some are in there for longer than others.  At this point, I like to put everything out of my mind.  I try to stay in character the whole time I'm there, but there can be distractions...

The worst part about being in the waiting room is everyone else knows each other.  They don't know me, but it seems like they all know each other.  It's like nobody even cares about this particular part.  I'm in there thinking... this is ALL I care about right now.   Nothing else matters... like the Metallica song.  Great song.  These guys are all talking about the last audition they saw each other at... the last commercial they did... or the last guest star they had on CSI: MIAMI for Christ's sake.  Gimme a break.  I wish there was a SILENCE rule in the waiting room.  

When I hear these guys talking, I always wonder... Do any of these kids have jobs?  Who's supporting their dream?  Maybe they work a lot as actors?  Maybe they're SLASHERS?  Slasher is a term used for those who are ACTORS/WAITERS.  Waiter can also mean bartender or host at some schwanky restaurant.  There are a ton of them out here.  Maybe they're just like me... who knows?

I mentioned before that the other actors don't know me in the waiting room.  I have seen other people I know on occasion, but it rarely happens.  I say that because I don't have the luxury to go on as many auditions as I should because I have a FULL TIME JOB.  You see, I need a job that gives me insurance.  I need a REAL paycheck or I wouldn't be able to survive.  The only reason I have been able to live comfortably over the past few years is because of my full time job and the few movies that I've worked on.  Combining the two has allowed me to breathe.  I am supporting my dream.

Now, I'm not saying that I don't like any of this... because I actually love it.  I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't.  To me, acting... and auditioning in particular, is the ULTIMATE test of character.  Can you walk into a ROOM of Judgement under pressure an perform?  That is the question.  And how well you perform will determine your employment.  This is an anxiety filled profession that I've gotten myself into.  It's awesome when you get a part or make a film of your own and perform well in it.  Having people enjoy your performance is worth all of the struggle.  Making people laugh is the consummate payday.  Moving people emotionally is truly fucking amazing... especially when you are acting as a CHARACTER on paper.  It's not exactly easy to make people laugh or cry with an on-screen performance.

Imagine getting a role in 100 million dollar film.  And yes you may be getting paid a ridiculous amount of money for it, but you are still asked to perform at a high level with other people's money on your shoulders.  That's a lot of pressure.  Ask anyone who works in Portfolio Management or some form of banking what kind of pressure they face... Why do you think those guys are jumping out of windows?  Dealing with other people's money is crazy and that's all the entertainment industry is based on.  The only difference is that WE are here for YOUR entertainment.  Remember that when you are saying Brad Pitt sucked in a film.  Perhaps he was trying his hardest for YOU to enjoy the movie, not just trying to pick up a quick paycheck.  And don't forget there was a time when guys like him had to stand before the counsel of DEATH and have every inch of them judged.