I AM OFFENDED...

When a man carries condoms on him... and I'm a dude.  Really guy?  Are you so sure that you might get laid at work?  Maybe in the cafeteria?  Perhaps you're going to get some cheeks in the bathroom at the SUPERMARKET?  You may be thinking to yourself, "Well it's okay for a man to carry condoms when he's at a bar or out on the town, right?"  No, absolutely NOT.  That's even worse.  Why do you think 7ELEVEN is open 24 hours a day?  I'm sure there is a gas station near by or a 24 hour CVS open that will have mini raincoats for your QUARTER INCH KILLER between your legs.

Remember when we were kids and boys used to carry a single condom in their wallets?  Yeah, I never went through that phase.  That was for losers.  Those same guys (well not all of them as you will learn later) are still carrying around  that condom in their wallet today hoping the day will come when they can use it.  By the way my man, it's probably expired... you should check the date before you strap that thing on.  It probably looks like a piece of ALPINE LACE SWISS CHEESE.

Like everything else, there's a story behind my hatred for a man that carries condoms.  And it's not the time I was visiting a friend at his school while we were in college.  On that particular occasion, we were waiting in line to get into a PACKED bar dicking around.  Once we got in, one of my friends jumped on my back and the 12 condoms I had in my jacket pocket spilled onto the floor.  The music stopped.  Everyone went silent.  Then... they all laughed hysterically.  I just said, "Hey, it's better to be safe than sorry."  Everyone laughed again.  The only reason I was carrying condoms was because everyone at the party said they were getting laid that night no matter what, so I volunteered to be the condom dispenser... as a joke.  I haven't carried a condom on me since.

Now let me get to the REAL reason I loathe this practice.  Over a year ago I was seeing this nice young woman.  She and I had been HANGING out for about 2 months.  I hadn't had what you would call a TRADITIONAL girlfriend in years, but this was the first girl in quite some time that I was focusing on.  I wasn't interested in anyone else.  I wasn't messing around.  She appeared to be completely into me as well.  She introduced me to her folks and brought me over to their house numerous times.  Her brothers actually didn't hate me, even when she said they hated every other guy she dated.  At this point, I even had a box of condoms that I bought in her night-stand drawer next to her bed for PETE'S sake.  So I thought everything was cool and we were moving along quite nicely.

By this time, she had met most of my friends and I had met hers.  We were spending maybe 4 nights a week together... which in my book is A LOT.  And for the record, I don't normally do that.  She was always inviting me to things and saying how much she liked me... blah, blah, blah.  One night, she said one of her best friends was coming back into town the following day.  She explained that they were going to have dinner and drinks and that she would call me after.  The next day she called me and said, "Hey I'm leaving now for dinner... I will call you after and we can hook up later."  I said, "Okay, have fun... be safe."

When midnight rolled around and I hadn't heard from her; I didn't act like a jealous boyfriend by texting or calling her a hundred times.  I left her alone.  I figured she was having a good time and she would give me a shout the next day.  So I went to bed.  I'm not going to lie; as I was laying in bed I thought... "She's definitely banging this dude... or maybe something happened to her?"  But, I still didn't contact her.  I was making a point by not calling her that it was time for me to grow up and start trusting other human beings.  Isn't that silly?

The next morning at work I was still in the dark.  No contact.  Radio silence.  The whole morning I was thinking... "And I thought we said we would be honest... she definitely HUMPED this peasant."  Normally she would text or IM me when she got to work and we would wish each other a good day and have some witty banter.  But not this day.

Around NOON I got an Instant Message from her on my computer saying, "Guess what has two thumbs and got 6 stitches in her mouth last night?"  Wow!  What an asshole I am!  The whole time I thought she was rolling around naked in a pile of hay with this joker and she actually did get hurt.  So I call her and ask if she's okay and if there's anything I can do.  She says she wants to hang out at her place later that night.  I tell her as soon as I get off work I will stop at the store and grab some yogurts and some soup.  I wanted to go over there and make her dinner.  She said, "You're the nicest guy ever... that's so sweet... I'd love that."  I say no problem and I'll even bring over a funny movie for us to watch.  She says, "Great, I can't wait."  

I show up at her house around 7:30pm, groceries in hand.  She greets me at the door with a hug and a kiss.  We get into her condo and I put the food in her refrigerator.  I ask her what she wants.  She's not hungry.  She just wants to watch the movie.  I say "Sure... but what the hell happened to you?"  She goes on to explain that early in the evening at the restaurant she got a little tipsy.  By the time her sandwich came she was drunk.  She took one bite and didn't even realize there was a toothpick sticking out of the sandwich.  BOOM!  Right through the bottom of her tongue.  Ouch.  She told me it was bleeding profusely for a while, but didn't care becasue she had been drinking.  So she let it go until the next morning when she woke up and her mouth was throbbing.  She immediately went to the doctor, got stitched up, and headed to work.

So the movie ends and she says she's going to VEGAS that weekend with some friends and she has to pack.  She asks me if I want to help... and like an idiot I say "Okay".  Mind you, I'm walking around her house in MESH shorts and nothing else.  We get into her room and I jump onto the bed.  She starts pulling outfits from her closet.  And the first dress she pulls out is a skimpy sequins number.  She asks, "What do you think?"  I say, "I think if you wear that you're definitely getting laid."  I laughed.  She didn't.  And if you know my sense of humor, you'd know I was totally kidding.  She knew it.  Then she walked over to the bed and put the dress down.  She said she had to tell me something.  I said... "Here we go... what's up?"  She goes on to say that she hooked up with her friend.  I say, "HOOKED UP"? or "HAD SEX"?  Immediately she put her head down.  I knew it.  I said, "Thanks a lot pal."  So I began gathering my things, picking up socks off the ground, my computer... and headed for the door.  She followed.  Trust me this was much funnier in person.

She keeps asking me why I'm not saying anything.  I couldn't find the words.  I walked into the kitchen for some reason, stopped and said... "I hope it was worth it."  I got to the door, turned around and went back into the kitchen and started dumping the things I had put in the refrigerator earlier back into my bag.  I was saying calmly, "You don't deserve this shit."  Then I started to say mean things.  I didn't care.  So I headed for the door once again and it HIT ME.  MY CONDOMS.  I turned back to her and said, "Wait a second did he FUCK you with one of my condoms?"  She put her head down yet again.  And then quietly answered... "No, he had some on him." AH HA! HAHAHAHAHA!  What a scumbag!!! I knew it!  I immediately walked back into her room and took my condoms out of her drawer laughing.  All the while saying, "Some friends you got... the guy brought condoms out to dinner with an old friend."  Some friendship they have, huh?  NICE.

What pissed me off the most, is she knew they were going to at least make out... and HE KNEW for sure that he was going to FUCK her.  What is even worse is that this all went down after she CUT HER MOUTH OPEN.  That's disgusting.  What a class act.  Stay Classy San Diego.  I know I wouldn't be trying to SCHTOOP some chick with a bloody fucking mouth.  That guy must be some kind of winner.  What a joke.  But the truth is... the joke was on ME, not them.  He was a winner.  I was the idiot.  So I left the apartment in shock feeling betrayed.  I should've known.

What kind of self respecting man brings a condom out to dinner with a FRIEND.  I NEVER bring condoms with me when I'm having dinner with one of my lady-friends.  This is why I'm always saying men and women can't be friends.  This story proved my point completely.  Some old friends they were.  Watch out ladies.

Maybe I was an inadequate lover.  Maybe I was not a good enough companion.  Maybe I was just not what she was looking for.  Who knows?  I'll never know for sure.  Maybe they were just scumbags.  Maybe they did me a favor.  Whatever.  She had too many guy friends anyway.  It was all my fault for trusting her and expecting too much.  You can't expect too much out of people or you'll end up disappointed.  

I learned many valuable lessons from this great experience and have since moved on bringing my learnings with me.  Look out for the chicks with too many guy pals.  Always go with your first instincts.  Looking back I knew it was going to be a problem from the beginning.  I honestly hope they are living happily ever after, because I sure am.  And ladies if a guy is carrying rubbers around with him, he's probably not looking out for your best interests.  And the next time you tell someone your dating to "have fun" and "be safe"... you better pray they don't take it literally and bone one of their old guy friends with one of your condoms.  Hey, at least they didn't use mine.  Victory.