I AM NOT MUCH OF A DATER...

And haven't been for quite some time.  No biggy.  Well, I had a couple girlfriends in High School, which doesn't really count unless you're from the MIDWEST cause those people all marry their High School Sweethearts.  And come to think of it, I had a girlfriend in College for a few years too.  But that seems like EONS ago.  Since then I've had a series of Dead-End starter relationships that have gone nowhere (all because of me I'm sure) and have done plenty of fooling around on the PATHETICALLY AWESOME single scene.  I say it's pathetically awesome because from time to time you feel like a pathetic LOSER on the journey of life all by your lonesome... Especially when you're surrounded by monogamous people.  And all of your friends that are in serious relationships enviously think your life of philandering FREEDOM is awesome.

This dating thing has been on my mind lately cause a woman recently said to me, "I think we're better off if we just stay friends."  I laughed really hard and said, "If you say so."  She was definitely doing me a favor, but I would have appreciated it a lot more if she had said, "That frozen dinner looks great, but hey, I'm no spring chicken and you're a fucking LOSER."  That would have been the greatest moment of my life.  PURE HONESTY.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  Being single is FANTASTIC.  It gives you the opportunity to do what everyone dating wants to do, but can't get away with it... be SELFISH.  All you have to worry about it yourself.  Your bed is YOUR BED.  You can make SHEET ANGELS if you feel like it and sleep spread eagle whenever you please.  That's the kicker for me.  Sharing your bed sucks balls unless the person you are sharing it with is a perfect fit.  And when I say perfect fit, I mean perfect SIZE.  So if they feel like laying all over you it will feel good... like the the way puzzle pieces fit together... Instead of waking up in the middle of the night with a dead arm and leg.  I really hate that pins and needles shit.  If I wanted to feel numb; I'd shoot heroin.  Maybe I'll just find a woman who likes sleeping on the couch.

I know I brought up a similar topic before about being happily unmarried, but I'm shedding light again because at some point you have to stop being single, right?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Can you live your entire life on your own?  I'm beginning to think I can.  Why not?  I guess the fulfillment of having a partner is important.  It's healthy.  I'm just not sure how important it actually is.

Honestly, I think being single is much easier for a man.  Nobody pressures you.  Your friends don't give a SHIT about you being single.  I feel like women long for a partner and their friends don't make things any easier by flashing their diamond rings and vacations in the Caribbean with their "SWEET" men.

The difference between most men and women is simple.  Men want to PROVIDE.  Men want to be SETTLED.  Men want to feel COMFORTABLE.  They want SUCCESS.  They want MONEY.  We want all of these things before we get into a relationship.  Basically, we don't want to feel like LOSERS.  We don't want to be ashamed of having NOTHING.  Women, on the other hand, want all of the previously mentioned things, but they want to go on the long arduous journey toward success or mediocrity with us.  And we're too stupid to let them... Well I am.

How stupid is that really?  That theory bleeds of intelligence if you ask me.  Most women want stability; well not the ones on Jerry Springer, but most do.  How the HELL are you going to find stability with a starving artist type?  Unless you don't mind eating TOP RAMEN and Pasta until you're 45.  You would have to find SOME woman to be willing to go on that great adventure.

Truthfully, there are a lot of women out there willing to do this... I'm just not sure if I am willing to put them through it.  That would take a great deal of faith, loyalty, honesty, and courage.  So officially, I've been roaming the planet alone going on 7 years now.  Well that's not entirely true because I have some great friends that have been along for the ride with me.  And it hasn't been that bad.  Actually it's been quite an eventful 7 years.  So I'm going to continue to not sweat it and neither should you.  All I can be is the best that I can be... Without joining the ARMY.

I AM A TALKER...

So what of it?  Maybe I talk too much.  Perhaps I should keep my mouth shut, huh?  It's possible that I like to hear the sound of my own voice.  There's a chance I'm hogging the conversation and not bringing any substance to the table.  But maybe it's YOU... Ever think of that?  Maybe you have nothing to say.  Maybe you enjoy the silence.  Maybe you're BORING.  Any chance you're jealous of someone with something to say?  Maybe you're just afraid you might say something and people will judge you for it.  Yeah, that's it.  Actually you're probably not smart enough to engage in a fucking simple conversation.

Are friends supposed to hang out in MUTE?  You want to go listen to the birds chirping?  Even they're talking.  Are we supposed to just sit there and hold hands?  I'll tell you right now, I'm not going to do that... Unless you are my BABY MAMA and we are watching a movie.  Yes, I like to speak, but I also enjoy listening very much.  If you are running your mouth for over an hour and everything you say is either FUNNY or INTERESTING... I'm fine with that.  I encourage it.

What really CHAFES my crotch is when someone isn't adding anything to a conversation AT ALL and they tell ME I talk too much.  Really?  You think I'm not giving you a chance to speak, don't you?  Not true.  You have nothing to inject.  And that's okay, but I'm guessing you're not taking in anything anyone else is throwing down.  If you did have a topic to address or your own opinion... You would make your point known.  You'd tell your joke.  Or you'd tell everyone to shut the fuck up so you could have the floor.

I'm not going to beat around the bush here... I come from a chatty family.  Most of my friends like to talk it up as well.  We all like each other and prefer to actually COMMUNICATE by other means than TELEPATHY.  If you don't like it... I don't need to be able to read your mind... TAKE A HIKE.

What's the point of being quiet?  Are you going to remember the time you and JONNY DANCEFLOOR just sat there and gazed into each other's eyes?  No.  But I guarantee you'll remember the time he told you the story about drinking a handle of JACK DANIELS and pissing the bed later that night with his fiance in it.  Yeah, I remember that one, and I remember it well.

Okay, I'm a reasonable man.  If somebody just died; I'm not doing the diarrhea from the mouth bit.  And like I said before, if a movie is playing... I'll be as silent as Helen Keller.  I won't talk to you if I see you bound to a fine piece of Literature either, but if you're reading THE ENQUIRER I may call you an ASSHOLE... And walk on by.

Now if I'm talking too much and a close friend or family member tells me to shut the fuck up... I probably will... After I tell them to PISS off.  But you know what; I can respect that.  Especially when it comes from someone of substance.

I understand the NEED for quiet time.  It's definitely not in the bedroom.  I'll take as much noise as possible in that scenario.  And you know what, I wasn't the kid in grade school getting PINCHED for talking every 5 seconds.  I know when to keep my TRAP shut.  If I'm in the company of good people, good conversation always follows.  And maybe if you think someone is talking too much you shouldn't be friends with them.  Or maybe you should LISTEN to them.  You might actually learn something.  Or maybe you should chime the fuck in and stop being a pussy.  And one last note on the bedroom... Nobody likes a DEAD FISH.  Personally, I prefer the FISH EYE.

I AM BECOMING SAMURAI...

That's it.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  And to be honest, we all should... Especially the COCK-KNOCKERS in this country.  Imagine living in an isolated village.  No Electricity.  No Gas.  No Running Water.  You fend for yourself.  You can raise your own animals for food, grow your own vegetables, and have perfect rice paddies.  The best part of this is... YOU don't really do any of these things... the women and children do.  All day you train with your SWORD (not a penis joke), read literature, meditate, and walk the grounds protecting your nest.  Primitive, yes.  But perhaps the way it should be.

The word SAMURAI has many meanings.  In feudal JAPAN, it was a class of military aristocracy, or military nobility.  Samurai also means HEREDITARY WARRIOR.  How would you like to inherit some "WARRIORNESS" instead of a LaZy eye or Alcoholism?  During pre-industrial Japan, long before Nuclear weapons and regular guns (what the fuck is a regular gun?), Japanese soldiers protected their country with SWORDS and their BARE HANDS.  That was real hand to hand combat.  Talk about being scared to go to War... Picture yourself charging the battle field with a heavy, sharp-ass piece of metal and you can only engage from 2 feet away.  Does it get any more BAD ASS?  No.  I would have without a doubt IMPALED myself, but that's just me.

I can't even picture myself wielding a sword.  I've wielded my own sword plenty; now it's time to move onto to something metal.  I want to learn.  Have you ever seen someone handle a sword like a SAMURAI?  Me neither, but I bet it's incredibly impressive.  Even when I see it in the movies, all I'm thinking while drooling at the screen is, "I want to do what you do"... Like the guy can hear me.  Those guys look smooth as ice.  Their moves are so fluent and graceful.  It reminds me of Johnny (Patrick Swayze) from "Dirty Dancing" whose moves were also smooth and graceful, but would have been a hell of a lot more respectable if he chopped BABY'S head off with SWORD.  The same goes for Swayze's character DALTON in "Road House".  That guy was a fucking masher... and would have been even cooler if he had a sword to cut Brad Wesley in half... and a mustache might have helped too.  Basically what I'm saying is Patrick Swayze should buy a SWORD and he'd be AWESOME.  Alright, I'm off Swayze's sac...

In the early 700's AD, there was a law passed in JAPAN after a disastrous military engagement with CHINA stating that the population had to report regularly for census.  Once the government had an idea of the actual population, another law was passed saying that 1 and 3/4 males were to be drafted into the military.  So pretty much every fucking DUDE in Japan joined or they would have their NUTS chopped off by the EMPEROR.  Now by LAW these soldiers had to supply their own weapons and in return they were exempted from taxes.  How funny would it be if our government said we had to make our own weapons.  Half of our armed forces would quit.  Hmm... What if everybody had to make their own weapons... Genius.  If you want to carry a weapon, you have to make it yourself.  That would be a great law.  There would be like 10 weapons... total.  We're so fucking LAZY only the kids that went to MIT would be STRAPPED.  Trust me, violence would be down... Way down.

I love that making your own weapons stuff.  I wouldn't be able to do it, but I'm sure I'd have a blacksmith friend on speed dial.  I can see him now... working hard in some little village outside of Tokyo... or Perth Amboy, NJ, I mean... welding my sword to a perfect handle with my name on it.  

The actual way of the SAMURAI was a life of DISCIPLINE and HONOR.  Words so few people live by these days.  A Samurai's duty was to obey their master (teacher) and the EMPEROR himself.  Dying was a certainty for these brave men on the battlefield, yet none of them feared it.  The Jesuit leader during the 1500's, St. Francis Xavier, said, "There is no nation in the world that fears death less"... speaking of Japan of course... And the reason for that is  SAMURAI were the core of the nation.

Samurai looked forward to glorious death in the service of a military leader.  This was greatly respected and honored.  I'd say this was part of the reason they did not fear death.  Now if a Samurai was defeated in battle and not killed... he would take his own life in SHAME.  LIVE BY THE SWORD... DIE BY THE SWORD.  This was also greatly respected.  Nobody thought you were a PUSSY if you fought and lost.  But if you didn't die, the only way to keep your STREET CRED was to thrust your own sword into your body.  Killing yourself in the SHAME of defeat.  How cool is that?!  They should do that in pro sports...  The two teams left standing would play for a championship.  I bet those mother fuckers would play harder then.  It could also be a general LAW in the U.S.  For example, if you lose a fight at School #19, you had to kill yourself in shame.  Or if it was an INTERNATIONAL law... Some country loses a war and the survivors of the defeated have to kill themselves in shame.  I bet this would be a more peaceful planet if that were the case.

Let's get something straight... The Samurai are not the AMISH.  They are killers, but well read killers that lived peacefully.  Samurai were all educated on a much higher level than the commoners.  Poetry and many other forms of literature were studied among these warriors.  They believed an intelligent and wise soldier had great advantage over the enemy.  And as usual they were right.

The first SAMURAI dominated government did not come until around 1185 AD.  By that time they had enough economic resources, manpower, and political support to become the military stronghold.  So it took a while for these CRUSHERS to come to dominance, but once they reached the top, they stayed there.  SAMURAI were a force to be reckoned with in JAPAN for almost 900 years.  I wish I would have been around to see it.  Well, that and I would've been considered TALL back then.

It all came to an end with the WESTERNIZATION of everything.  Technology is awesome, but it also dissolved many great cultures like the SAMURAI.  Their ways became primitive overnight with the introduction of the RIFLE.  Guns were just too much to handle.  So the Samurai relinquished their swords.  I'll tell you what though, I bet there are Samurai ancestors living in some mountain village in Japan still practicing the old traditions.  And if I ever have enough coin, I'm going to head out there and study them... learn their ways.  Not like David Carradine learned them... but actually live among them and become SAMURAI.

I don't have a point here except I admire the culture...  And I watched "THE LAST SAMURAI" (which is an awesome and highly underrated film) last night and got all fired up about the SAMURAI culture... So I read up on it.  Please check that flick out.  Even if you HATE Tom Cruise or ME, it's totally worth it.  "I AM BESET BY THE IRONIES OF MY LIFE."

I AM THE DISGRUNTLED RECIPIENT...

of 2 PARKING TICKETS over the past 5 days.  This is some honor... Let me tell ya.  122 SMACKEROOS!  Those mother fucking ticket cops or whatever the hell you call them KILL me.  I live in a neighborhood where parking passes are required.  They have this law so Hippies can't park their Motor Homes in our little beach neighborhood.  So you have to get a parking pass from City Hall and you have the option of either getting a sticker for your bumper or a hang-tag for your rearview mirror.  You also have to renew the pass ever year and it costs around 30 bucks.  I always get the hang-tag.

The worst part about this whole parking situation is that in my complex each unit only has one parking space.  So whoever else lives in your house has to park in the street... with a permit.  Now this is where it gets tricky.  Well for a moron like me apparently it does...  STREET CLEANING.  On one side of the street you can't park on Tuesday between 11AM-1PM.  On the other side of the street you can't park between 11AM-1PM on Wednesdays.  And around the corner it's Thursday from 11AM-1PM when parking is prohibited.  All these rules... Jesus, I feel like I'm in 3rd grade.

I'm a pretty responsible guy, but every now and again I make mistakes just like anyone else.  Once in a while I forget to put up the pass.  Let's be honest, I'm fucking human.  And humans have a tendency to make mistakes and learn from them, but should I really have to pay $61 for it?  Come on ticket fuckers.  I've been living there for 2 years.  There's no way you haven't seen my car parked there before.  It's parked there every fucking day... pretty much in the same spot.  Give me a God Damned break.  I know you hate your job, but have a heart, would you.  I can just see the bastard there now... smiling and thinking I'm an asshole.  You're right, but you know what... Eat shit.  It's not like you get a commission for how many tickets you give out a month.  Nope.  Fuck your quota.  Furious.

My first ticket came last Wednesday morning.  I didn't have to work.  The day started out great.  I woke up fresh after a good night's sleep, went for a nice run, then came home and made myself a tasty little breakfast.  By 11:30AM I realized I forgot to move my car.  Fuck.  I ran out to the street and there was the blue and white envelope on my windshield that I seriously considered using for toilet paper.  One would think the ticket DICK would have some compassion for a dude driving a car that's 35 years old.  No chance.

Now I wouldn't have been so mad if I hadn't done this before.  I've actually left my car there until 12:30PM one time and I didn't get a ticket.  So the fact this guy nabbed me got me enraged.  Aren't these shitheads on some type of fixed schedule?  Guess not.  Another time I had a ticket on my car at 11:01AM.  Damn it.  Whatever, it was my fault... I was HAD... Again.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty good and ready to start the week, which was surprising because during a DAYRIPPER yesterday I was sipping tequila, grilling lamb chops, and sucking down Corona Lights like they were Fuji water bottles.  I have house guests for the week, so before I left I was instructing them to be careful about parking.  "Make sure you put the hang-tag in your rearview... they're real sticklers around here..."  Yada, Yada... They say "No problem."  I walked out the door with a smile on my face and headed for my car parked in the street.

When I turned the corner of the street I saw a ticket on my windshield.  I furiously ripped it from the grasp of my wipers and was looking at it like it just banged my Mother.  WHY ON EARTH DID I GET A TICKET?  I was so heated I couldn't even read it.  I crumbled it up like I just got WAIT LISTED at a Community College in North Dakota and threw it into my car.  As soon as I sat down in the driver's seat I noticed that I'd forgotten to put up the hang tag up last night.  I picked up the ticket and sure enough... PREFERENTIAL PARKING TICKET.  Another $61 down the drain.  I might as well have set the money on fire.  I could have used that $61 to get my charcoal grill started yesterday... Then at least the money would have went to good use.  Those scumbags.  I LIVE HERE!  I am an idiot should have been the title of this entry.  Usually you can get away without having the tag in your car if you move if before 10AM and it was 9:30 when I was leaving.  Damn I was pissed.  Man, a ticket can really ruin your day.

Driving to work all I could think of was how many points I would get if I ran over one of those ticker fuckers.  Like 10 for squirrel, 30 for a skunk (minus 10 for the stink), and 200 for a ticket fucker.  It was probably a good thing I didn't see one because I would most likely be posting this from BEHIND BARS if I had.  The lesson here for me was get the sticker instead of the hang tag next time around.  But with my luck somebody would scrape it off of my bumper.  Cocksuckers.  When I pulled up to work I was so pissed, that I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the rearview mirror and one thing made me forget all about it...  I still have a MUSTACHE.  Nice.  I hope your week started out better than mine and if not, grow a Stache... it takes all the pain away.

I AM ROCKING...

a MUSTACHE at the moment. This coveted facial hairstyle is something that I've always admired, but never had the balls to grow. Which is humorous because I've had facial hair since the 7th grade. I'm not sure why I haven't done it before. Was I embarrassed? Maybe I didn't want to look like John Holmes or some other corny porn star from the 80's. That's silly because they weren't the only ones. Who wouldn't want to look like a quick-draw COWBOY from the WILD WEST or one of those crafty Mexican Mariachi guys? I know I do.

I remember back in college, my roommate (RAINMAN) used to LOVE mustaches... I MEAN LOVE THEM. He always called anybody with a Stache (including his Dad who always has one), a MASHER. He said he couldn't wait to be able to grow one. Unfortunately he never got any facial hair or hit puberty for that matter. He's now happily married and still waiting patiently for his facial hair to come in and for his idol CHEVY CHASE to grow a stache so that he can ditch his wife and marry him. Anyway, Rainman had no idea what he was missing. Facial hair is fun for parties, acting, and especially advantageous on HALLOWEEN. It always works in your favor if you want to dress as the great American distance Runner from Oregon, STEVE PREFONTAINE (as I did 2 years ago), or Paul Bunyun, but the razor burn and itchy BeardZO can be a pain in the ass. So maybe he lucked out with a face like a baby's backside... but I don't think so.

Before I get too deep into the Stache, let me mention a few notable BAD-ASSES that have rocked them proudly over the years. DENNIS ECKERSLEY. For those of you that don't know who "THE ECK" is, let me drop some knowledge in your direction. This guy had success as a starting pitcher in Major League Baseball in the 70's and 80's with the Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, and Chicago Cubs. But his true fame came as a closer with the Oakland A's. He was the equivalent of Rick Vaughn in Major League played by Charlie Sheen... except much cooler and with a Mustache. This guy was a machine on the mound. His closing skills helped him slide into the HALL OF FAME without question. I mention him first because CLOSER and MUSTACHE are synonyms. Anyone sporting the stache is a CLOSER. Period.

CHUCK NORRIS. Need I say more. Has anyone ever seen "Delta Force"? Or "Sidekicks" for that matter? This guy CAN get McDonalds breakfast after 10:30AM. No bullshit, the dude doesn't do push ups... He pushes the world DOWN. I stole those last 2 comments from chucknorrisfacts.com... Brilliant website by the way.

TOM SELLECK. His stache is thick as SHIT! This masher was MAGNUM PI for Christ's sake. He also had no problems later in his career scoring Courtney Cox on "Friends" which I thought was cool as hell. I'm not saying I want his career as an actor, but that stache had the panties hitting the floor in a hurry. My film recommendation for Selleck is the thriller "RUNAWAY" released in 1984, but you probably know him best from "3 Men and a Baby".

MY UNCLE TONY. The guy has been a High School Football coach in New Jersey for more than 30 years. He's had more success over there than Vince Lombardi. He's pretty much the MAYOR of his town. I don't think I've ever seen the guy without a stache... and it's fucking ICE.

Speaking of ICE... How about TOM SKERRITT? Call Sign "VIPER" ring a bell? Ever seen a little movie called "TOP GUN"? That guy could be my wingman anytime. Especially after "Poison Ivy" when he knocked the bottom out of Drew Barrymore.

MARK GARDNER. This man roamed the same streets in Jersey City that may Dad frequented. He's also the Father of one of my best friends. Any truck driver that respects my old man and comes from the same neighborhood is a certified Bad Mother Fucker. His mustache has been holding strong since his son and I learned to tie our shoes together back in 85.

Okay, enough. The best part about a Mustache is that it was popular in the 60's and 70's. A time when the sex was thought to be clean and the air was beginning to get dirty. Back then, nobody gave a shit. Gas prices were less than 60 cents... Woodstock was on the horizon... I would have been running around with a stache shouting "Who wants a mustache ride?" out of sheer joy! Today, people can't look at you with a straight face when you are sporting a Stache. People have been looking at me like I have 8 heads. Perhaps they're staring at my extremely large forehead. Other people have said to me, "Damn bro, that stache is the shit." Tell me something I don't know asshole... And did that guy just BRO me?

So the question is raised... When is it appropriate to rock a mustache? Am I too young? Am I too old? Truth be told... I don't give a fuck. I say it's always appropriate. I think it looks old-school and it suits me driving around in my old-school 70's whip. Feel free to rock one even if you are driving around in a brand new ROLLS. It's still sweet.

Some people think mustaches are weird, or creepy. Well for some people they are if you're pacing back and forth at the playground outside a local Middle School. It wasn't creepy for Josh Brolin in "American Gangster"... That guy looked like a maniac. "Have a nice trip back to Jersey." I loved it. Not for BILL THE BUTCHER either, played to perfection by Daniel Day Lewis in "Gangs of New York"... That guy single-handedly made me want to have a mustache for the rest of my life. I don't care what anyone says... That performance is one of the best ever captured on film. He owned it. Day Lewis is one of the best actors to ever walk the Earth.

Now the funny thing about rocking a stache is that I never noticed many people having them before. Now that I have one... I've seen 40 guys over the last 4 days pulling it off... well at least trying to. And last night when I came home, my roommate had a friend over that said, "What's with the guys I know having mustaches? I've seen at least 4 of my friends over the past few days with one." I'm not going to lie, that made me want to cut it off immediately. Thank God I didn't.

So how long will I rock it? Not sure. I don't mind looking like a corrupt New York cop from the 70's. I know for sure that it would make my Mother pee her pants. Especially with the long hair and one of those paper boy caps my Dad used to wear. The Stache is awesome cause it turns you into a SUPER HERO. I feel like I could close a game for the A's throwing a 98 mph fastball right down the pipe, spin kick somebody in the jugular, hook up with a "Friends" cast member, take down Iceman and Slider from below the hard deck, and win a State Championship all at once. I guess what I'm getting to is, support the stache. Take it seriously. But if you choose to have a few laughs at it's expense, know this... It's CLOSING time.