I AM BECOMING SAMURAI...

That's it.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  And to be honest, we all should... Especially the COCK-KNOCKERS in this country.  Imagine living in an isolated village.  No Electricity.  No Gas.  No Running Water.  You fend for yourself.  You can raise your own animals for food, grow your own vegetables, and have perfect rice paddies.  The best part of this is... YOU don't really do any of these things... the women and children do.  All day you train with your SWORD (not a penis joke), read literature, meditate, and walk the grounds protecting your nest.  Primitive, yes.  But perhaps the way it should be.

The word SAMURAI has many meanings.  In feudal JAPAN, it was a class of military aristocracy, or military nobility.  Samurai also means HEREDITARY WARRIOR.  How would you like to inherit some "WARRIORNESS" instead of a LaZy eye or Alcoholism?  During pre-industrial Japan, long before Nuclear weapons and regular guns (what the fuck is a regular gun?), Japanese soldiers protected their country with SWORDS and their BARE HANDS.  That was real hand to hand combat.  Talk about being scared to go to War... Picture yourself charging the battle field with a heavy, sharp-ass piece of metal and you can only engage from 2 feet away.  Does it get any more BAD ASS?  No.  I would have without a doubt IMPALED myself, but that's just me.

I can't even picture myself wielding a sword.  I've wielded my own sword plenty; now it's time to move onto to something metal.  I want to learn.  Have you ever seen someone handle a sword like a SAMURAI?  Me neither, but I bet it's incredibly impressive.  Even when I see it in the movies, all I'm thinking while drooling at the screen is, "I want to do what you do"... Like the guy can hear me.  Those guys look smooth as ice.  Their moves are so fluent and graceful.  It reminds me of Johnny (Patrick Swayze) from "Dirty Dancing" whose moves were also smooth and graceful, but would have been a hell of a lot more respectable if he chopped BABY'S head off with SWORD.  The same goes for Swayze's character DALTON in "Road House".  That guy was a fucking masher... and would have been even cooler if he had a sword to cut Brad Wesley in half... and a mustache might have helped too.  Basically what I'm saying is Patrick Swayze should buy a SWORD and he'd be AWESOME.  Alright, I'm off Swayze's sac...

In the early 700's AD, there was a law passed in JAPAN after a disastrous military engagement with CHINA stating that the population had to report regularly for census.  Once the government had an idea of the actual population, another law was passed saying that 1 and 3/4 males were to be drafted into the military.  So pretty much every fucking DUDE in Japan joined or they would have their NUTS chopped off by the EMPEROR.  Now by LAW these soldiers had to supply their own weapons and in return they were exempted from taxes.  How funny would it be if our government said we had to make our own weapons.  Half of our armed forces would quit.  Hmm... What if everybody had to make their own weapons... Genius.  If you want to carry a weapon, you have to make it yourself.  That would be a great law.  There would be like 10 weapons... total.  We're so fucking LAZY only the kids that went to MIT would be STRAPPED.  Trust me, violence would be down... Way down.

I love that making your own weapons stuff.  I wouldn't be able to do it, but I'm sure I'd have a blacksmith friend on speed dial.  I can see him now... working hard in some little village outside of Tokyo... or Perth Amboy, NJ, I mean... welding my sword to a perfect handle with my name on it.  

The actual way of the SAMURAI was a life of DISCIPLINE and HONOR.  Words so few people live by these days.  A Samurai's duty was to obey their master (teacher) and the EMPEROR himself.  Dying was a certainty for these brave men on the battlefield, yet none of them feared it.  The Jesuit leader during the 1500's, St. Francis Xavier, said, "There is no nation in the world that fears death less"... speaking of Japan of course... And the reason for that is  SAMURAI were the core of the nation.

Samurai looked forward to glorious death in the service of a military leader.  This was greatly respected and honored.  I'd say this was part of the reason they did not fear death.  Now if a Samurai was defeated in battle and not killed... he would take his own life in SHAME.  LIVE BY THE SWORD... DIE BY THE SWORD.  This was also greatly respected.  Nobody thought you were a PUSSY if you fought and lost.  But if you didn't die, the only way to keep your STREET CRED was to thrust your own sword into your body.  Killing yourself in the SHAME of defeat.  How cool is that?!  They should do that in pro sports...  The two teams left standing would play for a championship.  I bet those mother fuckers would play harder then.  It could also be a general LAW in the U.S.  For example, if you lose a fight at School #19, you had to kill yourself in shame.  Or if it was an INTERNATIONAL law... Some country loses a war and the survivors of the defeated have to kill themselves in shame.  I bet this would be a more peaceful planet if that were the case.

Let's get something straight... The Samurai are not the AMISH.  They are killers, but well read killers that lived peacefully.  Samurai were all educated on a much higher level than the commoners.  Poetry and many other forms of literature were studied among these warriors.  They believed an intelligent and wise soldier had great advantage over the enemy.  And as usual they were right.

The first SAMURAI dominated government did not come until around 1185 AD.  By that time they had enough economic resources, manpower, and political support to become the military stronghold.  So it took a while for these CRUSHERS to come to dominance, but once they reached the top, they stayed there.  SAMURAI were a force to be reckoned with in JAPAN for almost 900 years.  I wish I would have been around to see it.  Well, that and I would've been considered TALL back then.

It all came to an end with the WESTERNIZATION of everything.  Technology is awesome, but it also dissolved many great cultures like the SAMURAI.  Their ways became primitive overnight with the introduction of the RIFLE.  Guns were just too much to handle.  So the Samurai relinquished their swords.  I'll tell you what though, I bet there are Samurai ancestors living in some mountain village in Japan still practicing the old traditions.  And if I ever have enough coin, I'm going to head out there and study them... learn their ways.  Not like David Carradine learned them... but actually live among them and become SAMURAI.

I don't have a point here except I admire the culture...  And I watched "THE LAST SAMURAI" (which is an awesome and highly underrated film) last night and got all fired up about the SAMURAI culture... So I read up on it.  Please check that flick out.  Even if you HATE Tom Cruise or ME, it's totally worth it.  "I AM BESET BY THE IRONIES OF MY LIFE."