I AM ROCKING...

a MUSTACHE at the moment. This coveted facial hairstyle is something that I've always admired, but never had the balls to grow. Which is humorous because I've had facial hair since the 7th grade. I'm not sure why I haven't done it before. Was I embarrassed? Maybe I didn't want to look like John Holmes or some other corny porn star from the 80's. That's silly because they weren't the only ones. Who wouldn't want to look like a quick-draw COWBOY from the WILD WEST or one of those crafty Mexican Mariachi guys? I know I do.

I remember back in college, my roommate (RAINMAN) used to LOVE mustaches... I MEAN LOVE THEM. He always called anybody with a Stache (including his Dad who always has one), a MASHER. He said he couldn't wait to be able to grow one. Unfortunately he never got any facial hair or hit puberty for that matter. He's now happily married and still waiting patiently for his facial hair to come in and for his idol CHEVY CHASE to grow a stache so that he can ditch his wife and marry him. Anyway, Rainman had no idea what he was missing. Facial hair is fun for parties, acting, and especially advantageous on HALLOWEEN. It always works in your favor if you want to dress as the great American distance Runner from Oregon, STEVE PREFONTAINE (as I did 2 years ago), or Paul Bunyun, but the razor burn and itchy BeardZO can be a pain in the ass. So maybe he lucked out with a face like a baby's backside... but I don't think so.

Before I get too deep into the Stache, let me mention a few notable BAD-ASSES that have rocked them proudly over the years. DENNIS ECKERSLEY. For those of you that don't know who "THE ECK" is, let me drop some knowledge in your direction. This guy had success as a starting pitcher in Major League Baseball in the 70's and 80's with the Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, and Chicago Cubs. But his true fame came as a closer with the Oakland A's. He was the equivalent of Rick Vaughn in Major League played by Charlie Sheen... except much cooler and with a Mustache. This guy was a machine on the mound. His closing skills helped him slide into the HALL OF FAME without question. I mention him first because CLOSER and MUSTACHE are synonyms. Anyone sporting the stache is a CLOSER. Period.

CHUCK NORRIS. Need I say more. Has anyone ever seen "Delta Force"? Or "Sidekicks" for that matter? This guy CAN get McDonalds breakfast after 10:30AM. No bullshit, the dude doesn't do push ups... He pushes the world DOWN. I stole those last 2 comments from chucknorrisfacts.com... Brilliant website by the way.

TOM SELLECK. His stache is thick as SHIT! This masher was MAGNUM PI for Christ's sake. He also had no problems later in his career scoring Courtney Cox on "Friends" which I thought was cool as hell. I'm not saying I want his career as an actor, but that stache had the panties hitting the floor in a hurry. My film recommendation for Selleck is the thriller "RUNAWAY" released in 1984, but you probably know him best from "3 Men and a Baby".

MY UNCLE TONY. The guy has been a High School Football coach in New Jersey for more than 30 years. He's had more success over there than Vince Lombardi. He's pretty much the MAYOR of his town. I don't think I've ever seen the guy without a stache... and it's fucking ICE.

Speaking of ICE... How about TOM SKERRITT? Call Sign "VIPER" ring a bell? Ever seen a little movie called "TOP GUN"? That guy could be my wingman anytime. Especially after "Poison Ivy" when he knocked the bottom out of Drew Barrymore.

MARK GARDNER. This man roamed the same streets in Jersey City that may Dad frequented. He's also the Father of one of my best friends. Any truck driver that respects my old man and comes from the same neighborhood is a certified Bad Mother Fucker. His mustache has been holding strong since his son and I learned to tie our shoes together back in 85.

Okay, enough. The best part about a Mustache is that it was popular in the 60's and 70's. A time when the sex was thought to be clean and the air was beginning to get dirty. Back then, nobody gave a shit. Gas prices were less than 60 cents... Woodstock was on the horizon... I would have been running around with a stache shouting "Who wants a mustache ride?" out of sheer joy! Today, people can't look at you with a straight face when you are sporting a Stache. People have been looking at me like I have 8 heads. Perhaps they're staring at my extremely large forehead. Other people have said to me, "Damn bro, that stache is the shit." Tell me something I don't know asshole... And did that guy just BRO me?

So the question is raised... When is it appropriate to rock a mustache? Am I too young? Am I too old? Truth be told... I don't give a fuck. I say it's always appropriate. I think it looks old-school and it suits me driving around in my old-school 70's whip. Feel free to rock one even if you are driving around in a brand new ROLLS. It's still sweet.

Some people think mustaches are weird, or creepy. Well for some people they are if you're pacing back and forth at the playground outside a local Middle School. It wasn't creepy for Josh Brolin in "American Gangster"... That guy looked like a maniac. "Have a nice trip back to Jersey." I loved it. Not for BILL THE BUTCHER either, played to perfection by Daniel Day Lewis in "Gangs of New York"... That guy single-handedly made me want to have a mustache for the rest of my life. I don't care what anyone says... That performance is one of the best ever captured on film. He owned it. Day Lewis is one of the best actors to ever walk the Earth.

Now the funny thing about rocking a stache is that I never noticed many people having them before. Now that I have one... I've seen 40 guys over the last 4 days pulling it off... well at least trying to. And last night when I came home, my roommate had a friend over that said, "What's with the guys I know having mustaches? I've seen at least 4 of my friends over the past few days with one." I'm not going to lie, that made me want to cut it off immediately. Thank God I didn't.

So how long will I rock it? Not sure. I don't mind looking like a corrupt New York cop from the 70's. I know for sure that it would make my Mother pee her pants. Especially with the long hair and one of those paper boy caps my Dad used to wear. The Stache is awesome cause it turns you into a SUPER HERO. I feel like I could close a game for the A's throwing a 98 mph fastball right down the pipe, spin kick somebody in the jugular, hook up with a "Friends" cast member, take down Iceman and Slider from below the hard deck, and win a State Championship all at once. I guess what I'm getting to is, support the stache. Take it seriously. But if you choose to have a few laughs at it's expense, know this... It's CLOSING time.