I AM THE DISGRUNTLED RECIPIENT...

of 2 PARKING TICKETS over the past 5 days.  This is some honor... Let me tell ya.  122 SMACKEROOS!  Those mother fucking ticket cops or whatever the hell you call them KILL me.  I live in a neighborhood where parking passes are required.  They have this law so Hippies can't park their Motor Homes in our little beach neighborhood.  So you have to get a parking pass from City Hall and you have the option of either getting a sticker for your bumper or a hang-tag for your rearview mirror.  You also have to renew the pass ever year and it costs around 30 bucks.  I always get the hang-tag.

The worst part about this whole parking situation is that in my complex each unit only has one parking space.  So whoever else lives in your house has to park in the street... with a permit.  Now this is where it gets tricky.  Well for a moron like me apparently it does...  STREET CLEANING.  On one side of the street you can't park on Tuesday between 11AM-1PM.  On the other side of the street you can't park between 11AM-1PM on Wednesdays.  And around the corner it's Thursday from 11AM-1PM when parking is prohibited.  All these rules... Jesus, I feel like I'm in 3rd grade.

I'm a pretty responsible guy, but every now and again I make mistakes just like anyone else.  Once in a while I forget to put up the pass.  Let's be honest, I'm fucking human.  And humans have a tendency to make mistakes and learn from them, but should I really have to pay $61 for it?  Come on ticket fuckers.  I've been living there for 2 years.  There's no way you haven't seen my car parked there before.  It's parked there every fucking day... pretty much in the same spot.  Give me a God Damned break.  I know you hate your job, but have a heart, would you.  I can just see the bastard there now... smiling and thinking I'm an asshole.  You're right, but you know what... Eat shit.  It's not like you get a commission for how many tickets you give out a month.  Nope.  Fuck your quota.  Furious.

My first ticket came last Wednesday morning.  I didn't have to work.  The day started out great.  I woke up fresh after a good night's sleep, went for a nice run, then came home and made myself a tasty little breakfast.  By 11:30AM I realized I forgot to move my car.  Fuck.  I ran out to the street and there was the blue and white envelope on my windshield that I seriously considered using for toilet paper.  One would think the ticket DICK would have some compassion for a dude driving a car that's 35 years old.  No chance.

Now I wouldn't have been so mad if I hadn't done this before.  I've actually left my car there until 12:30PM one time and I didn't get a ticket.  So the fact this guy nabbed me got me enraged.  Aren't these shitheads on some type of fixed schedule?  Guess not.  Another time I had a ticket on my car at 11:01AM.  Damn it.  Whatever, it was my fault... I was HAD... Again.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty good and ready to start the week, which was surprising because during a DAYRIPPER yesterday I was sipping tequila, grilling lamb chops, and sucking down Corona Lights like they were Fuji water bottles.  I have house guests for the week, so before I left I was instructing them to be careful about parking.  "Make sure you put the hang-tag in your rearview... they're real sticklers around here..."  Yada, Yada... They say "No problem."  I walked out the door with a smile on my face and headed for my car parked in the street.

When I turned the corner of the street I saw a ticket on my windshield.  I furiously ripped it from the grasp of my wipers and was looking at it like it just banged my Mother.  WHY ON EARTH DID I GET A TICKET?  I was so heated I couldn't even read it.  I crumbled it up like I just got WAIT LISTED at a Community College in North Dakota and threw it into my car.  As soon as I sat down in the driver's seat I noticed that I'd forgotten to put up the hang tag up last night.  I picked up the ticket and sure enough... PREFERENTIAL PARKING TICKET.  Another $61 down the drain.  I might as well have set the money on fire.  I could have used that $61 to get my charcoal grill started yesterday... Then at least the money would have went to good use.  Those scumbags.  I LIVE HERE!  I am an idiot should have been the title of this entry.  Usually you can get away without having the tag in your car if you move if before 10AM and it was 9:30 when I was leaving.  Damn I was pissed.  Man, a ticket can really ruin your day.

Driving to work all I could think of was how many points I would get if I ran over one of those ticker fuckers.  Like 10 for squirrel, 30 for a skunk (minus 10 for the stink), and 200 for a ticket fucker.  It was probably a good thing I didn't see one because I would most likely be posting this from BEHIND BARS if I had.  The lesson here for me was get the sticker instead of the hang tag next time around.  But with my luck somebody would scrape it off of my bumper.  Cocksuckers.  When I pulled up to work I was so pissed, that I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the rearview mirror and one thing made me forget all about it...  I still have a MUSTACHE.  Nice.  I hope your week started out better than mine and if not, grow a Stache... it takes all the pain away.