I AM DEFINING THE WORD SLUT...

Because I feel like it...  It's a funny word... And everyone has their own definition for it.  Let's start with the dictionary's take on it... SLUT - noun - 1.) A dirty, slovenly woman.  2.) An immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute.  Unfortunately my annotation will be much longer and I'll get to it in a minute, but first...

I was watching this great COMEDIAN on HBO over the weekend, Jim Jeffries, and he touched upon a similar topic.  He talked about how SLUTS have ruined it for NICE GIRLS because most men want to do "dirty things" in bed... And the women that are willing to give it to us are SLUTS.  He went on to say nice girls only give us those things on Holidays and Birthdays to keep us happy, not cause they really want to.  It was hilarious, but I adamantly disagree.  Those women aren't sluts or nice girls... they're annoying brats.

He also said he loved sluts.  He said they were so amazing in bed he could never go back to a nice girl.  Can a nice girl do bad things?  Can a slut be a nice girl too?  Men have been torn over this since the beginning of time.  Which do we choose?  And why can't we have both?  Is it even possible?  I think so...

Now what are these "dirty things" that we want?  Bringing animals in bed?  That's dirty and downright fucking insane.  You should be in prison if you're doing that.  Consuming urine?  That's dirty and disgusting.  No thank you.  Weird fetishes dealing with fecal matter?  That's NASTY and makes me want to vomit.  Pass.  Having two chicks at the same time is... AWESOME.  I think most of the "dirty things" he was referring to aren't that dirty at all.  They are important things that make up a healthy sex life.  Moving on.

What is a SLUT?  This word is used so frequently in our culture by both men and women; it's very hard to determine what it actually means.  Dictionaries are useful, but rarely thought of when we are constructing sentences using slang and talking in the language I like to call BULLSHIT... meaning we butcher the English language and use words however the hell we want.  For example, I've heard women in department stores call each other sluts because one girl picked the last pair of jeans off the rack first, and the other girl shrieks, "You slut, I love those."  Then they both giggle.  Fucking confusing.  And they wonder why we say it so much.

So my definition is as follows... SLUT - noun - Prostitute.  If you're accepting money for sex, you are a slut.  If you sleep around and do not use protection, you are a dirty slut.  If you use sex as a way to get ahead in this world, you are a slut.  If you sleep with two different guys in the same day, you are slutty.  If you watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition, you are a slut.  Just kidding.  If you've had sex with hundreds of men, you are probably a slut or hopefully a prostitute.  They're synonyms anyway.  If you have an STD and don't tell your partner, you are a scumbag, a HUGE slut, and deserve to be punched in the face with brass knuckles and have your privates permanently shut with a RENTED staple gun.  If you don't sleep with a lot of men and you like to fool around... And you think performing oral sex on a daily basis with many different men is okay because there is no penetration; you are the biggest slut on the PLANET.  And guess what honey, there is plenty of penetration... in your mouth.  Don't think you can't get diseases from oral sex cause you definitely CAN.  If you've never had sex as an adult; you're a SLUT... Because I said so.

Sorry MOM, (she probably stopped reading two paragraphs ago), but I must continue.

Let me get back to the PROTECTION part for a second... If you don't use protection, or as a woman force your man to strap up, you are not only a slut, but a fucking MORON.  Now that's dirty.  That's Slutty.  There are exceptions if you've been dating the same person for a while and you've both been checked out... and you're both monogamous.  Doubtful, but it happens.  Otherwise I have no patience for this behavior.  Any woman that tells you, "It's okay, I'm on the pill" has said it before.  Trust me, you are not that SPECIAL.  I've ejected women from my bed so fast after hearing those words they ended up like GOOSE in "Top Gun".  Yes, they died.  Well I didn't kill them, but they were dead to me as soon as they muttered what I like to call the SLUT SENTENCE.  That's just inconsiderate, disrespectful and slutty.

Now, women that just want sex from you are NOT SLUTS.  Women that want to do the same things you want to do in bed are not sluts.  Women interested in exploring in the bedroom and doing things you've never done before are not sluts... THEY ARE KEEPERS.  Like LUDACRIS said, it's very possible for a woman to be a "Lady in the street and a freak in the bed."  That's what all men want, right?  I find women wanting the same things we want.  I think women that are comfortable with themselves and with you; will be all the more willing and able to accommodate both your and her needs.  Women are sexual beings just like us.  They want to be pleasured.  They just want to feel sexy.  They want to feel WANTED and appreciated.  The key to a healthy and fun sex life is VARIETY.  If you are a dead fish, hit the road Jack.  If you are a complete maniac, beat it Charlize Theron's character from "MONSTER".  If you only want it Missionary style; join a Church group.  There is a middle ground between slut and nice girl; you just have to find it.

To conclude this ridiculous diatribe... wear a rubber.  Do what you want when you want, but do it for the right reasons.  Just be careful, huh?  If you sleep around, get tested... a lot.  Not only for yourself, but for the poor Frat boy or Frat rat you're bringing home from the bar.  It will take some of the stress off.  And if you don't care about any of this and are an actual SLUT by my definition, whether male or female, you're no better than a RAPIST.  You're probably thinking, "Rapist, this guy is a fucking dumb ass" but I'm dead serious.  You are doing something against your partners will.  Believe me, if they knew your sexual history and saw the red ink on your doctor's records; they would NOT be in bed with you.  If you have something and are not telling them, you are raping their right to know.... The right to know that you are a slut, possibly diseased and a complete fucking asshole.  I know we're all going through a ton of shit.  It's a tough world we live in, but we've all made mistakes.  We can change.  So do the right thing... especially if you're a SLUT.

I AM A MOMMA'S BOY...

and have no problem admitting it.  I'm not talking about the serial killer or, to be more specific, a John Wayne Gacy-esque type of momma's boy, but more of just a kid that loves his mother.  I talk to my MOM almost everyday... if I can.  We simply shoot the shit about everything... the weather, chicks, my Dad, my brother, and cooking are a few topics we touch upon.  Honestly, we are just really good friends.

It wasn't always like that you know; there was a time when she was just my MOM.  When you're a kid, your parents are supposed to guide and teach you about life from their experience.  They let you know what's right, and what's wrong.  They love you unconditionally, if you're lucky, and instill the fear of GOD in you.  My Mom and Dad did all of that.  If you're not afraid of your parents when you're growing up, there's something wrong.

As a child, my Mom was around a little more than my Dad because he worked long hours during the week.  My mother worked while we were at school and used to get home not long after we did.  Now I'm not saying my father was absent, because he was NOT... He was always with us all weekend (my mom worked the night shift on Friday and Saturday) and he never, I mean never missed any of our important school functions or sporting events.  Even at that tender age, I realized that my parents were busting their asses to give us a better life.  And I appreciated it very much... Still do.

My father always told us to respect our mother.  We were never to curse around her.  We were never allowed to wear hats at the table or around women in the house... ever.  He always told us to carry things for her and open the door for her whenever possible.  He was basically teaching us that until we were married, the most important woman in the world is your mother.  I never argued that.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are not perfect.  They had their problems over the years, but it never affected how they treated us and even when they had problems they always respected each other.  My Mom was always available to us.  She always welcomed a good conversation and because of that I was never afraid to open up to her.  It's been really easy to talk to her for as long as I can remember.

When I was younger, a close family friend was having relationship problems.  Most of his problems were obviously caused by him.  He was abrasive, yet standoffish and had serious intimacy issues.  I liked this guy very much and couldn't understand why he couldn't keep a woman.  So I asked my Mom what she thought his problem was.  She said... and I will never forget this, "Remember this honey, as a man, you can never truly love another woman and treat her the way she deserves to be treated unless you whole heartedly love and respect your mother."  That statement really hit me as I was already in love with 20 different girls at school.  So I made it a point to try and be the best son I could be and to love her more than I already did.  The fact of the matter is, this didn't do me any harm with the ladies.  Women like men that have good relationships with their mothers.

Over the years I've noticed friends having constant problems with their girlfriends.  Some of the issues were normal, but in certain instances I wondered why they had these problems.  Some of the girls they were dating were fantastic, yet my friends were not satisfied and were always miserable.  So I started to observe them closely when they were around their mothers.  A few of these guys cursed at them, constantly disrespected them and their fathers just stood by and said nothing.  Not only would my father have kicked my ASS up and down WALL STREET; he would have made me apologize and then sentenced me to 30 days in solitary confinement like Tim Robbins in "The Shawshank Redemption" after he played that Italian lady's music.  So it's safe to say I never disrespected my Mom.  My father is a very intimidating man.  He was the warden... of HIS HOUSE.

That's the problem with kids these days... No RESPECT.  No respect for their elders.  No respect for their peers.  And no respect for themselves.  Parents are scared to give their kids a hard time.  They shouldn't be... they are YOUR KIDS, NOT YOUR FRIENDS.  You can't let them get away with MURDER, or one day they might actually be murdering someone.  I may have gotten away with more than my brother cause I was the second child, but I still wasn't allowed to do everything I wanted.  

My parents did not become my friends until my mid-late teens.  Once I had proven that I wasn't an asshole, they loosened up.  I always knew they were great people, but I never knew how good of friends they could be.  I'm so grateful for how they raised me and I hope one day I can be half the parents they are.

Today as a grown (not fully grown) man, I've come to the conclusion that I love my Mother and I avoid relationships... for now.  I have a great life.  I have great friends.  These days most of my closest friends are in healthy relationships.  Sometimes I find myself envious, but not all that often.  Recently, a lady friend of mine, told me, "You have INTIMACY issues."  And of course like the asshole I am I said, "Just because I don't want to be intimate with you, doesn't mean I have intimacy issues."  That was a real egotistical dick thing to say.  She didn't deserve that, but she also didn't have the right to assume that about me.  I have chosen to be this way.  Every now and again I let someone in... I am just very selective.  So for now I'd rather chat on the phone with my Mom everyday and hear about her life, instead of some BIRD I'm seeing on and off.

So for all of you dudes out there that are having trouble with the ladies... think about your relationship with your mom.  If you have a troublesome one, try to fix it.  Give your mom a call and say, "Sorry for giving you so much grief over the years."  And if she was shitty to you... let her know.  Don't be afraid.  Making things right with your folks always leads to something positive.

I AM THE ACTION FIGURE...

version of my big brother.  You see, he's 6'3 and change... Me, I'm 5'9... in stilettos.  I never once thought I would be a SHORT man.  When my brother, who is 5 and a half years my senior, hit his growth spurt during his first two years of High School, I was sure I was in good shape.  At that point (4th grade for me), I was one of the tallest kids in my class.  The future looked oh so bright... Little did I know I was in for a life of size SMALL T-shirts and wearing baby KEDS on my feet.

Back in Middle School, I was the first kid with hairy armpits.  I was the first kid with muscles.  I had big hands, big feet, and a big... HEAD.  I was always one of the fastest kids in my class, as well as one of the best athletes.  I thought by the time I was 16, I would be a GIANT.  Yeah, I was a little off.  The doctors used to tell me there was a chance I would be 6'5.  I can't believe a respected University gave those assholes a degree.  I never really grew after the 7th grade.  I had no spine problems, no problems with my legs... I just stopped growing.

When I went off to High School, it didn't matter how big I was as long as I was good enough to help the teams I played for WIN.  And I did just that.  When you're little, you have to gain respect in other ways.  You have to be tough.  You have to be quick.  You have to hit harder than everyone else.  And most importantly, you can't take shit from ANYONE.  So I didn't... and I had a successful High School career.

Even though on the outside I seemed happy and confident with myself, I was always pissed that I was short.  I still hoped I'd grow.  I remembered the days when I was taller than everyone else, or at least as tall... then suddenly I was one of the little guys.  By the time I got to college, I was still the same height as I was in 7th grade... what a bummer... and I finally came to the conclusion that my growth had come to a screeching halt long ago.

In college I continued my athletic prowess.  I played football... defensive back.  Everyone was always put in front of me because they were bigger.  I had to work 10 times as hard as the other guys just to get noticed.  I had to truly, in every sense of the word, earn every bit of playing time I got.  One time during Spring Practice, we were scrimmaging the Offense.  A pass came my way and I hit a friend of mine (the guy is 3 times my size) who the pass was intended for, as hard as I could.  I knocked him down.  They didn't complete the pass.  He got up and the coach screamed at him.  He said, "What the Hell are you doing?  Catch the God Damned ball!!! You just got crushed by a MIDGET!"  I stood there pretending to be a badass and then yelled, "Hey Coach, FUCK YOU!"  Needless to say, I was thrown out of practice.  Afterwards that same coach approached me and said, "What are you nuts?  You can't talk to me like that."  I responded, "Yup, and neither can you."  He looked at me for a second and laughed.  "You're gonna get me fired."  I said sorry.  He patted me on the back, smiled and said... "I fucking love you... I wish you would come play offense."  I nodded.  He then said, "If we only had more guys like you?"  I said, "If we had more guys like me, we'd be Ireland's national soccer team, not a Division 1 football team." 

Now I'm definitely NOT condoning telling authority figures to go fuck themselves.  You should probably listen to them, but sometimes you have to stick up for yourself.  I knew I wasn't a midget, but I had to let everyone else know I was not to be fucked with.  I guess that was my brief taste of what they call having "A NAPOLEAN COMPLEX".

To be honest, being short isn't all that bad.  I find it comforting to be of average height.  People expect less of you.  When you're tall, you are supposed to be successful.  Look at the numbers, taller people have an easier path to the top.  Well it's not a breeze, but people definitely notice you more when your head is sticking out over the crowd.   And the whole Napolean Complex thing is a mystery to me.  Short guys that act out to get attention and to over-compensate for their SHORT comings are just dickheads and I dislike them more than anyone else.  You're giving the rest of us a bad name.  So cool it, little guy.

This one time last year, I was headed out to see a couple of friends at a bar.  We were meeting this group of girls (volleyball players), all of whom were very tall.  I get a text from my buddy who was already there saying, "Dude you might not want to come... unless you are prepared to speak to breasts all night."  I thought... this is going to be a great night.  I show up at the joint, grab a cocktail, and watch all of my friends hitting on these tall chicks and failing miserably.  So after a few hours, the hottest girl of the group comes over to me (she's a good 4 inches taller) and says, "You haven't said a word to me all night... What's your deal?"  Some balls this filly had, huh?  And I hate it when people ask me what my deal is.  My DEAL is, I was having a fabulous time until you came over to me and asked me that, now I want to drink my face off until I need my stomach pumped just to make sure this is my worst nightmare.  Sorry, I tend to get off topic... So I answer her stupid question with, "I'm good BREEDING material."  She looks down at me like Andre the Giant did to Hulk Hogan in WRESTLEMANIA and then bursted out laughing.  She said, "That is the greatest thing any guy has ever said to me."  I say, "I bet."  She says, "No, you don't understand, every guy I ever meet says that I'M GOOD BREEDING MATERIAL and they want have kids with me."  I'm nodding and smiling thinking, "No shit, Sherlock, why the fuck do you think I said it?"  So she says, "Come on, I want to buy you a drink!"  So I got my drink and I entertained her for a few minutes.  Once I realized she indeed was as dumb as a box of HAMMERS, I made like titties and bounced.  It didn't matter to me that she wanted to "hang out" because I had already achieved victory.

It doesn't matter how tall you are... It's our WITS that take us to great heights, not our wingspans.  Maybe I can't get on the big kid rides at Six Flags.  Maybe I have to shop at the Baby Gap.  Maybe my nickname was LUCKY CHARMS in college.  Maybe my T-shirts fit your kid sister and maybe I have to stand on a few phone books to give you a hug, but I'm fine with that.  The closer to the ground I am, the more leverage I have.  Hey, at least I don't have to worry about dying a tragic death on a roller coaster... And if the 50-FOOT WOMAN ever attacks; I'm pretty sure I have shot.

I AM FROM NEW JERSEY...

and damned proud of it.  New Jersey was one of the 13 original colonies.  New Jersey was the home of the first collegiate football game between RUTGERS and PRINCETON.  It's also the birthplace of many great talents such as Jack Nicholson, Meryl Streep, Shaquille O'Neal, and Bruce Springsteen.  Thomas Edison did some of his finest work there.  The famed show, "THE SOPRANOS" took place in the Garden State.  And the head of the family, TONY, played to perfection by actor James Gandolfini, was born and raised there.  It's the home of arguably the finest PIZZA and Bagels in the country.  Also, some of the nicest people I've ever met are from NJ.  Don't get me wrong there are DOUCHEBAGS there, and for some reason they are pinpointed in Jersey more than anywhere else... but you know what?... There are douchebags everywhere.

People are always asking me why folks from the Garden State are so proud... And I always give the same answer, "Cause everybody hates us so much."  Also people constantly want to know why the state smells so badly.  Usually when someone asks me that, I'm thinking, "Damn this person is stupid."  Yes, the state smells shitty between exits 13-15 off of the NJ Turnpike, but that's because there are so many Factories, Refineries and Plants located there making the things every other state needs and takes.  There are parts of every state that smell bad... trust me, I've been to most of them.

You know what really gets me going... When somebody from a neighboring state talks shit about NJ.  Guess what assholes from Long Island or Eastern PA... you're no different than we are and we should be sticking together.  The New Yorkers say we suck cause we don't have a pro football team, yet both teams with New York in front of there names play all of their games in NEW JERSEY.   What's even worse than backstabbing neighbors, are implants living in NYC.  These jackasses move to Manhattan, live there for 8 months and are already making derogatory comments about my home state.  You don't know what the Fuck you're talking about.  You've never even been there.  

Television Writers are always taking shots at NJ on sitcoms based in New York.  I have one thing to say to them...  FUCK YOU... and you're probably from some shithole in the midwest so... CHOKE ON IT.

I'm not sure if anyone noticed, but NJ is nicknamed the GARDEN STATE... and for good reason.  There is much fertile soil found there.  Some of the tastiest corn comes from Jersey as well as squash and beautiful tomatoes.  Blueberries, raspberries and many other fruits are grown there too...

Alright, I will stop kissing New Jersey's Horticultural Society's ass...  Let me get to the good stuff.  Now, a friend of mine sent me this little video on YOUTUBE called "GUIDO BEACH".  If you haven't seen it, please do so.  It's this hilarious video mocking the people that hang out at the JERSEY SHORE.  After she sent it to me, she said... "That's you and your cousins!"  She couldn't have been more wrong, but I still laughed my ass off.

If you go to the particular beach depicted in the "Guido" video, yes you will find a plethora of idiots.  They are what gives US a bad name.  Please understand that those people DO NOT represent the entire state.  There are NORMAL people in New Jersey.  And what kills me, is most of those rejects and their families probably originated in Staten Island or Queens.  Damn those people are ridiculous...  Beyond that one nightmare... there are many other beaches at the Jersey Shore that are beautiful and filled with regular folks.  For example, Long Beach Island is a great place to relax and get away from the typical Jersey tomfoolery.  Ocean City is another spot where the gelled-hair population is low.  My point being... you don't have to go to the beach where all the assholes hang out.  Surprise, it's not the only one.

What I will not argue, is that there are a great deal of Guidos and Guidettes in Jersey, not all of whom are bad.  What can I tell you... There are a lot of Italians back EAST.  And guess what shit talkers from CALIFORNIA and everywhere else, that means we have better PIZZA and Italian food than you have without question.  You guys have the Armenians (sorry Sako, I love you, you're excluded) and the Persians which aren't that different than the silly Guidos in New Jersey...  They all act the same at clubs.  They're all really hairy.  They all wear too much cologne.  Only difference is, every once and a while you'll catch a Persian dude wearing a SPEEDO at the beach.  Vomit.  Do you hear us talking shit about those guys?  Nope.

There are also a ton of JUICE-HEADS (roid raging freakshows) in Jersey.  And if you think there aren't any Meat-heads on the sauce out here... take a bike ride from Manhattan Beach to Santa Monica... stop off in VENICE along the way and you'll see plenty of Roided-out maniacs doing curls on the beach.  Some of them are even roller blading... ewf.  Regardless, these guys are nuts on both coasts.

I challenge anyone to take a REAL visit to NJ.  See the Northwestern part of the state in the fall.  Drive down the shoreline in the summer... stop for an Italian Ice at Strollo's Ligthhouse in Long Branch, followed by a hot dog from the Windmill, then head south until you hit AC.  There are beautiful beaches all along the way.  I know you may be shaking your head, but trust me, you actually do have to see it, to believe it.  It truly is a nice place.  

So I guess what I'm saying is don't judge a book by a couple of pages... Read the whole fucking thing before you go writing a review.  There's bound to be beauty in it.  New Jersey has many beautiful places and a ton of history behind it.  Everyone I know from my beloved state has a strong sense of family, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say about most places... especially here.  Yeah NJ had a GAY Governor come out of the closet while in office cause he got pinched... So what.  Yeah we have chicks with big hair and dudes that drive TRANS AMS... So WHAT...  Yeah Tom Cruise went High School in North Jersey.  So what.  So before you start running your mouth about the GARDEN STATE, take a look at your own state... It probably isn't perfect either.  

  

New Jersey is an awesome place to live.  It's an extremely hard working state.  It's also a great place to raise your kids (if you don't want them to be soft).  I know you're probably thinking, "Why doesn't this jerk go back then"...  Well, I'm here for a reason and I may never leave.  I love my life here, but someday I'd like to go back.  I refuse to jump ship until I accomplish what I came here to accomplish.  If I can afford a life of luxury, I'd like to keep a place in NJ and Cali.  Ah, a boy can dream, can't he?  All I ask in the meantime is... Love thy neighbor, be careful when passing judgement, and stop HATING on New Jersey... Until you've ACTUALLY been there... not just driven down the Turnpike.

I AM A GOOD DRIVER...

Sure you are.  Everyone always says that.  Okay.  How many tickets have you had?  Have you had a DUI?  Let me see your driving record before you open your mouth.  I'm pretty sure if you were such a good driver you would be STUNT driving for Tom Cruise on the "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 8" set or on the NASCAR circuit somewhere in North Carolina sipping Bud in the bottle with Dale Earnhardt Jr. before a race... not telling me how to drive from the back fucking seat!

Why do people INSIST on backseat/passenger seat driving?  It's really annoying.  Do me a favor; shut the HELL up.  I'm definitely being hypocritical here because I do it.  For instance, my roommate drives too SLOW.  Let's just say he's had a few offenses behind the wheel...  So every time I'm in the car with him it takes 10 times as long to get wherever we are headed.  And the thing is, I'm not really in a rush, but I still complain.  I'm pretty sure you're not going to get pulled over for driving 35 in a 30 zone.  Any cop that pulls you over for that is either really bored or is just an asshole out for revenge for having his lunch money stolen everyday in grade school.  They SHOULD be pulling people over driving 45 in a 65.  That is the worst.  It also bothers me that the ROOMIE can't drive without smoking a cigarette and or having a cup of coffee in his hand... but that's another topic all together.

They give anybody a license these days.  Every irresponsible JACKASS I know has a driver's license.  You want to know why... because it's SIMPLE to drive.  The test to get a license is a cake walk.  A monkey could get one.  I'm beginning to think they should make it a little harder.

I know I've already expressed my disgust for cell phones on the road, but it's really that bad.  Everybody has a cell phone (except my one friend who I hate for this sole reason) and now that texting is so easy, everyone is doing it in their cars.  Nobody is watching the road anymore.  It scares the shit out of me.  The next time you're driving, leave your phone in the glove compartment and look around when you get on the freeway... people are writing 150 character love letters via text all day long.  I know this is a bit out of context, but how about that train conductor that caused the accident a few months ago killing 25 people.  All the dude had to do was press a few buttons to operate the train and instead he was pressing the buttons on his fucking Blackberry and instantly became a murderer.  I'm sure the train is more difficult to operate than I've insinuated, but seriously... What an asshole.

There are millions of accidents on our roads each year... And millions of people die because of them.  The problem here is having a license is a big responsibility but nobody looks at it that way.  Maybe if we pictured it like this...  It's kind of like having a GUN license.  A gun is a weapon.  If you don't know how to use it correctly and lawfully, you shouldn't have one.  A car is also a WEAPON.  You can literally KILL somebody with it if you're not careful... or if you're a psychopath with road rage.  So you should be more cautious or maybe you shouldn't have one.  It's not meant to be played with while in motion.  Wax and stroke it all you want while it's parked, but while you're driving, keep your hands on the wheel and your eyes on the road.

Now... what bothers me the most about driving is famous people.  How the FUCK are you out there getting a DUI?  YOU ARE RICH!!!  You stupid fucking idiots.  You've been out having drinks with Lindsay Lohan, huh?  Can't wait to get to the after party in MALIBU?  Great.  How about this idea...  Hey Mel, GET A GOD DAMNED CAB!  If a cab is too shitty for you; get a car service or a limo.  Shit, if you don't want to do that, call ME, I'll come get your dumb, drunk ass.  If one more celebrity gets a drunk driving citation I am going to drive to the police station where they are being held, wait for them in the lobby, and TONYA HARDING that ass with a steel pipe.

And how about this Kris Brown guy... really dude?  I'm not assuming to know anything about your life or what really happened that day with Rihanna... But what the HELL are you doing beating her up in a Ferrari on the day of the Grammy's?  You two morons should have been DUKING it out in the back seat of a stretch ESCALADE.

If I was rich... CHECK THAT... WHEN I am rich... I will only be driving when I have to.  If I ever, and I mean EVER have anything to drink, which I will, I will definitely NOT be operating any heavy machinery.  I guess the point here is... whether famous or not, self proclaimed GOOD DRIVER or not... RESPECT the ROAD... Cause you don't want to wind up infamous... and on DATELINE. 

I AM FRIENDLY TO STRANGERS...

because it's just the right thing to do.  What ever happened to the days when people said hello to every person that walked by?  I'm pretty sure there was a time when people actually acknowledged each other.  A happier time.  Today people are taught to live in fear of one another. What is there really to be afraid of?  Yes, there are pedophiles, murderers and other various degenerates out there... and some of them look like us, but should we really be living in total fear?  Is that living?  I think not.  The reason there are so many weirdos among us is because they have spent their lives being ignored and or have been taught to be afraid of everything.  That... or they're clinically insane.

 

I feel like my parents always said hello to everyone; whether they knew them or not.  I thought it was great.  It feels nice when someone smiles at you and says "Hello".  You know it's going to be a great day.  So with hopes of keeping this tradition alive as an adult, I often walk by folks and say hello, and time and time again they just stroll on by with their heads down.  It's not like I resemble a MINOTAUR... or a creepy pederast.  I'm not talking about stopping a bunch of 11 year old school girls with hopes of hearing their Christmas wish lists here... I'm talking about a friendly gesture, a simple "Hello" or "How are you doing?"  Maybe my hopes are too high for people or maybe it's because everybody is walking around with those STUPID HEADPHONES in their ears.  It's a shame cause they are missing LIFE as it breezes right by.

I remember when I was a kid my AUNT bought me a WALKMAN.  My Mom made me give it back.  My brother and I weren't allowed to have them.  I have to say, that was REAL parenting.  My parents thought having headphones in your ears all the time was ANTI-SOCIAL.  They said we should be reading, talking with our friends, or outside playing.  How genius, let's tell our kids not to sit in their rooms all day listening to music through headphones... ALONE.  They never said we couldn't listen to music; they just didn't want us to be walking around like dipshits with things hanging out of our ears.  If all parents dealt with headphones the same way, we wouldn't be faced with this social INEPTITUDE that stands before us.

I was in line today at Trader Joe's and there was some humming and strange movement coming from one register over.  I couldn't see what it was cause there was a very large man between me and the noise.  Once the ANDRE THE GIANT-LIKE humanoid moved; I saw this silly BROAD bobbing her head and singing with the music obviously blasting through the disgustingly large headphones attached to her hollow head.  I could barely hear the music over her singing and the commotion in the store, but I could STILL hear it.  That can't be healthy.  Now, I expect this from a HOMELESS person, who can't afford headphones so they would just be pretending they had music bumping, but this woman was by no means unemployed.  The headphones she had on had to cost at least $200.  She was in her late 20's, early 30's, wearing normal clothes and was not insane; although everyone was looking at her like she just escaped from the LOONEY BIN.  What was making me nuts was that she was making a conscious choice to not only offend everyone in line, but everyone in the whole place.  Are you FUCKING kidding me?  People that have such blatant disregard for those surrounding them should have their toenails removed with a pair of pliers.  Honestly, I wanted to put her in the SLEEPER HOLD right there.  It would have been worth going to JAIL for the night.  I would have slept like a baby in my cell knowing I made the world a better place... even for a few minutes.

What makes anyone act like this?  Are we just afraid of the people we are sharing this planet with?  Do you think you're alone out there?  Do you want to be ALONE all the time?  Act like that and you WILL.  I mean it's great to be in a good mood, but YOU acting like you are on stage 24 hours a day or acting like you are a hermit that was let out from under it's rock for the first time in years is down right RIDICULOUS.  Would it kill you to have some respect for the people that are near you once in a while?  Jesus.

When people come into my shop and they're wearing headphones, I still say hello... and... they still ignore me.  It infuriates me, yet I bite my tongue even though whether the customer is 16 or 60 I want them to take me to their creators so I can give them an earful.

Headphones are acceptable while running outside, working out in a gym, in a locker room before a game, on an airplane ride and on other means of public transportation.  You can wear them when you're in your house working at your desk or while laying on a blanket in the park.  But, if you are wearing headphones in the back seat of a car, that's bullshit.  If you are wearing them while shopping in a store, you are an asshole.  Take the FUCKING things out of your EARS!  

I'd like to think people are all innately good.  I'd like to think we want to speak to one another and be friendly.  I'd like to think if an old lady fell down in her front yard some young lad would help her up or call a doctor.  But with those stupid headphones in your ears and your eyes staring at the sidewalk; she's shit out of luck.  As human beings we need communication for stimulation.  Don't be such a social retard.  Keep your head up.  Say Hello every now and again...  Help bring us back to a happier time this country once knew...  Live a little.  Don't walk around in FEAR.  Don't hide from people out there.  Chances are... they're just like you... And you never know who you're going to meet.

I AM AN EMOTIONAL...

mother f'er.  Does anybody else ever break into tears when you see a story about SURVIVAL on the news?  How about during a sad commercial or when you watch the movie "RUDY"?  How about when your team WINS a big game?  Or LOSES one?  Do you ever reminisce about your childhood while running and then suddenly the smell of a freshly bloomed honeysuckle bush brings a single TEAR trickling down your face?  Has an episode of the Oprah Winfrey show brought you to tears?  Do you ever just cry for NO REASON at all?  I do.  Not all the time... but it happens.

As a child I remember thinking the only people that cried were women, babies, and ME.  I'm not talking about that whining nonsense spoiled brats do... or that sore losing crankiness followed by sobbing.  None of that CRY BABY shit.  My parents wouldn't stand for it.  I'm talking about tears of sheer JOY.  The ones that flow when you read a phenomenal piece of literature.  The ones that hit you when your High School Football team wins the State Championship.  Or the tears that are impossible to hold back when your playing days are over.  And every once in a while, I'd let out some tears all by my lonesome... for no good reason at all.

At first I was uncomfortable crying alone.  I always wanted to hide the fact that something I couldn't put a finger on was bringing me to tears.  This was definitely a PHASE.  I was sure of it.  A 22 year phase, but a phase nonetheless.  I figured I would grow out of it.  Boy was I wrong.  I thought men only shed a few tears when there was a DEATH in the family, not while watching the presidential inauguration.  I thought you needed a REAL reason to lose your shit.  Human beings don't cry for no reason, do they?  Did this mean I was depressed?  Was I losing my mind?  Then it hit me... I was just living and feeling.

The funny thing about crying is that even the toughest guys do it.  If they don't, at some point they're going to break and break hard they will (Yoda voice).  Crying is natural.  It's a chemical response and a human reaction to feeling emotion.  When people tell me they don't cry during movies it leads me to believe they don't have any suspension of disbelief or they're blanketing their emotions.  Yes, movies are make-believe, but they are meant to extract emotions from us.  Some are meant to make us laugh, some are meant to make us angry, and others to make us CRY.  So if you find yourself only enjoying Comedies... and hysterically laughing during them; don't you think you should be able to experience what goes on at the other end of the spectrum.  I'm not saying you should cry during every movie, or cry all the time for no reason... just don't be afraid to show a little emotion for Christ's sake.  It doesn't matter how great your life is, or how TOUGH you are... sometimes you just have to let it out.

These days I LOVE a good cry.  I understand it.  I cried when I left for California.  I cried my eyes out when a good friend died last year.  Tears filled my eyes a few days ago when I learned an old friend was diagnosed with CANCER.  I cried last night while watching the Michael J. Fox special on ABC.  I fucking love MARTY McFLY.  Sometimes I cry when I see another human being doing something so special, knowing that the moment I just witnessed can never be repeated.  

A great song...  An unbelievable moment in sports...  An inspiring film...  A true moment of appreciation...  When I haven't seen my mother in a long time...  These things get me choked up... And I'm not ashamed of it.  I love it.  I fully embrace these moments because a good cry is usually followed by an even better laugh.  Crying is important.  It's a stress reliever.  It's every bit as important as gut busting laughter, which can sometimes bring you to tears.  So don't be scared to show some emotion.  You don't have to hide your tears... especially you bad asses out there.  It doesn't make you a pussy or gay.  It makes you human.  It proves that you have a heart.  It makes you realize that you are actually ALIVE. 

I AM EATING AGAIN...

in the middle of the night.  Dumbest move EVER... and I do it more often than I'd like.  It's so unhealthy but sometimes if you've had an early dinner, and you don't snack between then and bedtime, it's impossible to fall asleep on an empty stomach.  I do think it's important to have a little nibble a few hours before you hit the hay.  A yogurt or a grapefruit should suffice, not an entire frozen PIZZA.

When you can't sleep, and you stroll into your kitchen in the middle of the night to get a snack, you never eat tofu.  You never eat a turkey burger.  You never eat a fruit salad.  You eat the fattest FUCKING thing possible... and it always hits the SPOT.  Why the hell do we do this?  Whether you're inebriated or just having a celebratory post coital bliss snack; it's ridiculous to be eating at 3am.  I have to stop or I'll be dead by 30.

The worst is when you've been drinking.  This is a rare situation when all DISCIPLINE goes out the window.  I try to avoid it at all costs but sometimes it's unavoidable when you're in a car filled with starving, drunk twenty-somethings.  

If you find yourself alone, in a cab at the JACK IN THE BOX drive thru on the way home from a night out on the town, you should seriously check yourself.  Trust me, this is not a good habit.  But I have to tell you, things are just tastier at 2:41am after a night of enjoying a few libations.  Ramen tastes like you got it from the SOUP NAZI at 1:37am, not a freeze dried SODIUM BOMB .  Wheat Thins or Triscuits are to die for at 4am.  I know for the WEST COAST folks going to J in the B around midnight is comparable to brunch at the FOUR SEASONS when you've left the bar early because you decided it was better to be fat than to get alcohol poisoning.  I recommend 2 tacos, the Chicken Chipotle Ciabatta and curly fries.  And for those back on the EAST COAST any DINER food hits the spot at 3:01am.  You start with Mozzarella sticks and a milk shake and then follow with Eggs Benny, an English Muffin, and some hash browns.  Damn, I sound like JARED... before Subway.

During these hours you can never just eat one thing... especially when you've been drinking.  And in those situations you almost always eat enough to ensure a stomach ache for the next morning.  I don't know about you, but I hate spending a whole day on the toilet.  Who the HELL wants numb legs?  I think I'm going to start leaving all kinds of HEALTHY foods out on the counter before I go out, so when I come home I'll have a shot of wheat grass and some brussel sprouts instead of eating a grilled cheese and a bag of doritos.  

That's what's wrong with our culture.  We think more is better.  Let me tell you something folks, this is rarely a good decision.  Indulging in more is only helpful in a gym or a library; not at a McDonald's or shopping on Rodeo Drive, unless you WANT to be fat and broke.

I AM NOT MARRIED...

Nor am I running to the alter any time soon.  I was comfortably rolling around on my couch on Sunday afternoon drifting in and out of sleep.  Each time I woke, I looked around, realized I was alone, made fists with my toes in my slippers, smiled and thought, "Who's better than me right now?"... And then gently fell back to sleep.

A great deal of my friends are married.  It all started back in 2006.  I have a tight knit group of friends from High School and College, many of which have had girlfriends for a long time.  They began calling one by one with ENGAGEMENT news.  Now 6 of them are married, 2 are engaged with the weddings steadily approaching, 1 already has a kid, and another has a wifey with a bun in the oven.  Damn, I'm getting old.

In our culture, we view marriage as another important STEP in life.  You graduate college, get a job, and get MARRIED.  That's just what we do.  But who says so?  I mean, that's okay I guess... if you feel like conforming, but don't we live in a country where we can do whatever the HELL we want with our lives (short of robbing cars and marrying our sisters of course)?  

What I don't get, is why we treat 35 year old singles like LEPERS?  Is there something wrong with being SINGLE?  I don't think so.  It's better than getting married, having a kid, then divorced, sharing custody, having a plastic dining room set and finally getting married again to some divorcee you met during Happy Hour at TGI Fridays.

Marriage is a crazy institution.  It's very difficult to commit yourself to one person for the rest of your life... or is it?  I don't think it would be that hard if you found the right person.  Therein lies the RUB.  THAT IS THE HARD PART.  Who is the right person?

I know for me, it's going to be damn near impossible to find the right one because I AM IMPOSSIBLE.  I'm set in my ways.  Life is a set of ROUTINES we follow to keep our sanity.  I have created various routines over the years that I'm not ready to change.  For instance, I like to come home after work, go for a run, chef it up, and then be alone for a few hours to read and watch TV.  I like to make lists and go food shopping on Wednesdays... by myself.  On Saturdays, I get up early to play BASKETBALL, then have a day with the fellas consuming assorted adult beverages.  If I had a wife, would all of this be posssible?  Well, with the right one it would.

I have single girl-friends my age that are constantly CHASING men.  They WANT a boyfriend.  They WANT to be married.  They WANT to have kids.  They WANT constant attention.  And the worst is when they find a guy to give them attention and immediately LATCH on.  You know how that ends... it never works out.  Don't sweat it.  Trust me, there are 1,000,000 guys out there that will give you attention... at least after a few drinks they might.

The truth is, some of these girls can't even take care of themselves.  They don't NEED any of that shit.  How the FUCK are you going to be in a relationship if you can't make TOAST?  How the hell are you going to make a good partner if you can't even keep your house clean?  How can you PROVIDE for a family, if you can't even keep a steady job?  What you NEED to do, is take care of #1, so if the opportunity for a real relationship ever presents itself, you will be READY.  This is exactly what I'm doing... All the while knowing it's okay to be single... and embracing every minute of it.

When I go to these weddings, my friends wives say to me, "When are you going to settle down?" Or "Why don't you have a girlfriend?"  I've never understood these questions, but I always say, "I'm taking care of myself first before I bring anybody on this upside down ROLLER COASTER RIDE."  My life is good, not great, but really good.  I'm happy.  I have a job, which is more than a lot of people can say at the moment.  I'm writing, not well, but at least I'm writing.  And I'm pursuing a career I actually want and there's no reason to rush into anything... especially when I'm on my way.  Whether I'm on my way to owning a mansion in BEVERLY HILLS or living in a HOMELESS SHELTER in Cleveland, Ohio, has yet to be determined, but at least I won't be bringing anybody there with me.

I AM DISCIPLINED (PART 1)...

and live by many rules.  Please allow me to enlighten you with a few of them.

1.)  I don't smoke... So there will be NO SMOKING in my house.  I'm sorry to inconvenience you on your crawl toward cancer, but I don't want the white paint on my living room walls turning the color of your dehydrated body's urine.

2.)  I never use ALCOHOL as an excuse.  Being drunk is never a justification for your behavior.  I don't want to hear it.  If you do DUMB shit when you are hammered... then you shouldn't be FUCKING drinking.

3.)  I LOVE MOVIES.  I watch them all the time.  If you don't like movies; I don't like you.  I mean, come on... Who says they don't like movies?  Have you ever seen "Stand By ME"?  "By the time we get there, the kid won't even be dead anymore."  Best line ever.  If you haven't seen this film you're dead to me.

4.)  I don't allow people to BORROW my movies.  Nope.  So don't ask.  You can't borrow them because you NEVER bring them back.  If I've allowed you to borrow one, this really says something about our friendship.  I have only spent every other dollar I've ever made collecting movies... It's my library... get your own.

5.)  If you have BAD BREATH, I am going to tell you about it.  Why should I sit around and let you torch my nose hairs with your DRAGON breath.  It's just not fair.  Bad breath is unacceptable.  If you need recommendations for mouthwash or gum please ask.  I will gladly help you out.

6.)  I don't do DRUGS.  Well that's not entirely true, because I do drink.  If you have never tried some sort of mind altering substance, especially alcohol, at some point in your life, you are a smart cookie, but I don't want to hang out with you.  A little side note... I don't want to hang out with crack heads or coke whores either.

7.)  I don't date STRIPPERS.  Honestly, I don't even really like strip clubs, so why would I date one of the employees.  I know you work hard for your money, but I don't want to hear about your DADDY issues.  I'm not a Psychiatrist.

8.)  I don't wear JEAN SHORTS.  If you are a MAN and wearing jean shorts and you're not on the AND 1 mix-tape tour; you are out of your mind.  They are uncomfortable, hot, heavy and look ridiculous.  Get a hold of yourself.  Women, please continue to wear those daisy dukes you love to rock.

9.)  I have SEX... as all mature human beings should.  If you do not have sex as an adult, I definitely do NOT trust you.  It's okay to go through a dry spell or to be faithful while your partner is away and you don't have to be a GIGOLO, but if you are a 40 year old virgin... there is something severely wrong with you.  If there are any young folks reading this... Make sure you are educated on this important topic and consult a physician first before plunging into this downward spiral.  Also be prepared to never get called back after your first 100 tries.

10.)  If you and I have been INTIMATE, and you have since slept with one of my best friends, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT expect me to ever go near you again.  This is NON NEGOTIABLE.  I learned to share in Kindergarten and I remember Miss Wallwork saying to swap crayons, not sexual partners.

11.)  I LOVE my PARENTS.  You must have a good relationship with your folks.  If you don't, you're probably an asshole or maybe they're assholes... but you should talk to them and figure that out.

12.)  I don't associate with RELIGIOUS FANATICS.  If you don't believe in evolution you are a MORON.  So if you're too religious... we won't make it.  It's okay to be spiritual, but if you are handing out Holy Scriptures in the PROMENADE like a ZOMBIE... I will tell you to make like a shepherd and get the FLOCK out of here.  Go sell crazy someplace else.

13.)  I like to be ALONE.  People that need to be surrounded by others 24 hours a day drive me nuts.  Everybody needs a little alone time to think it all over or just to relax.  Put your cell phone down, remove your head from your best friends ASS and read a book once in a while.  You'll become a better person.  It hasn't worked for me, but you should try it anyway.

14.)  I CURSE.  Swearing is a MUST.  If you don't curse... like ever, I don't trust you... so don't go asking me if you can babysit my unborn children.  For one, you're probably religious and two, you most likely think that you're more sophisticated or intelligent than me, which is unlikely.  Mind you, there is a time and a place for this, but if we are in a room full of dudes and I say FUCK and you look at me funny... I'm going to tell you to hit the bricks.

15.)  I believe that single MEN and WOMEN can only be FRIENDS under special CIRCUMSTANCES.  a) If you have slept with the other person before; you can be friends. b) If the the other person is dating someone, married, or slept with someone you are close with; you can be friends. c) If one of you is gay; you can be friends. d) If there is NO physical attraction between the two parties, meaning one of you is UGLY; you can be friends. e) I can't think of one, so there is no E.  I'm not sure why I wrote that.

This is a touchy subject for me.  I believe single women that have a lot of guy friends do it for attention and single men (well the ones who aren't out of the closet) do the same with women.  This is where THE RULE OF 3 comes into play.  If you have an attractive friend of the opposite sex that is SINGLE... You have either (1)HAD sex with them, (2) WANT to have sex with them, or (3) WILL be having sex with them in the near future.  FACT.  So with that being said, it's virtually impossible for two single, attractive, heterosexual adults of the opposite sex to be friends without ulterior motives.