I was watching this great COMEDIAN on HBO over the weekend, Jim Jeffries, and he touched upon a similar topic. He talked about how SLUTS have ruined it for NICE GIRLS because most men want to do "dirty things" in bed... And the women that are willing to give it to us are SLUTS. He went on to say nice girls only give us those things on Holidays and Birthdays to keep us happy, not cause they really want to. It was hilarious, but I adamantly disagree. Those women aren't sluts or nice girls... they're annoying brats.
He also said he loved sluts. He said they were so amazing in bed he could never go back to a nice girl. Can a nice girl do bad things? Can a slut be a nice girl too? Men have been torn over this since the beginning of time. Which do we choose? And why can't we have both? Is it even possible? I think so...
Now what are these "dirty things" that we want? Bringing animals in bed? That's dirty and downright fucking insane. You should be in prison if you're doing that. Consuming urine? That's dirty and disgusting. No thank you. Weird fetishes dealing with fecal matter? That's NASTY and makes me want to vomit. Pass. Having two chicks at the same time is... AWESOME. I think most of the "dirty things" he was referring to aren't that dirty at all. They are important things that make up a healthy sex life. Moving on.
What is a SLUT? This word is used so frequently in our culture by both men and women; it's very hard to determine what it actually means. Dictionaries are useful, but rarely thought of when we are constructing sentences using slang and talking in the language I like to call BULLSHIT... meaning we butcher the English language and use words however the hell we want. For example, I've heard women in department stores call each other sluts because one girl picked the last pair of jeans off the rack first, and the other girl shrieks, "You slut, I love those." Then they both giggle. Fucking confusing. And they wonder why we say it so much.
So my definition is as follows... SLUT - noun - Prostitute. If you're accepting money for sex, you are a slut. If you sleep around and do not use protection, you are a dirty slut. If you use sex as a way to get ahead in this world, you are a slut. If you sleep with two different guys in the same day, you are slutty. If you watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition, you are a slut. Just kidding. If you've had sex with hundreds of men, you are probably a slut or hopefully a prostitute. They're synonyms anyway. If you have an STD and don't tell your partner, you are a scumbag, a HUGE slut, and deserve to be punched in the face with brass knuckles and have your privates permanently shut with a RENTED staple gun. If you don't sleep with a lot of men and you like to fool around... And you think performing oral sex on a daily basis with many different men is okay because there is no penetration; you are the biggest slut on the PLANET. And guess what honey, there is plenty of penetration... in your mouth. Don't think you can't get diseases from oral sex cause you definitely CAN. If you've never had sex as an adult; you're a SLUT... Because I said so.
Sorry MOM, (she probably stopped reading two paragraphs ago), but I must continue.
Let me get back to the PROTECTION part for a second... If you don't use protection, or as a woman force your man to strap up, you are not only a slut, but a fucking MORON. Now that's dirty. That's Slutty. There are exceptions if you've been dating the same person for a while and you've both been checked out... and you're both monogamous. Doubtful, but it happens. Otherwise I have no patience for this behavior. Any woman that tells you, "It's okay, I'm on the pill" has said it before. Trust me, you are not that SPECIAL. I've ejected women from my bed so fast after hearing those words they ended up like GOOSE in "Top Gun". Yes, they died. Well I didn't kill them, but they were dead to me as soon as they muttered what I like to call the SLUT SENTENCE. That's just inconsiderate, disrespectful and slutty.
Now, women that just want sex from you are NOT SLUTS. Women that want to do the same things you want to do in bed are not sluts. Women interested in exploring in the bedroom and doing things you've never done before are not sluts... THEY ARE KEEPERS. Like LUDACRIS said, it's very possible for a woman to be a "Lady in the street and a freak in the bed." That's what all men want, right? I find women wanting the same things we want. I think women that are comfortable with themselves and with you; will be all the more willing and able to accommodate both your and her needs. Women are sexual beings just like us. They want to be pleasured. They just want to feel sexy. They want to feel WANTED and appreciated. The key to a healthy and fun sex life is VARIETY. If you are a dead fish, hit the road Jack. If you are a complete maniac, beat it Charlize Theron's character from "MONSTER". If you only want it Missionary style; join a Church group. There is a middle ground between slut and nice girl; you just have to find it.
To conclude this ridiculous diatribe... wear a rubber. Do what you want when you want, but do it for the right reasons. Just be careful, huh? If you sleep around, get tested... a lot. Not only for yourself, but for the poor Frat boy or Frat rat you're bringing home from the bar. It will take some of the stress off. And if you don't care about any of this and are an actual SLUT by my definition, whether male or female, you're no better than a RAPIST. You're probably thinking, "Rapist, this guy is a fucking dumb ass" but I'm dead serious. You are doing something against your partners will. Believe me, if they knew your sexual history and saw the red ink on your doctor's records; they would NOT be in bed with you. If you have something and are not telling them, you are raping their right to know.... The right to know that you are a slut, possibly diseased and a complete fucking asshole. I know we're all going through a ton of shit. It's a tough world we live in, but we've all made mistakes. We can change. So do the right thing... especially if you're a SLUT.
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