It all starts in the Checked Baggage line. The line is usually absurdly long. I don't know about you, but I always feel like an IMMIGRANT in a food line right off the boat at ELLIS ISLAND around 1917. My poor grandparents. Everyone is FURIOUS, especially since you have to pay to check anything these days. Then, nobody knows how to use the KIOSK. This baffles me because the thing is so self explanatory Nicole Richie could figure it out.
After that, we impatiently move to another extremely long line to get through SECURITY. This part sucks... BIGTIME. Please take off your shoes. Take off your hat. Take your laptop out of your bag. Remove your CLIT piercing. Take off your belt. Your rings. Your glasses. Would like a kidney as well? It's ridiculous. I am BEGGING some genius out there to invent something that will force security people to leave us alone at the airport. Or maybe we should all travel naked... or in bathing suits. No... That would suck since we are the FATTEST country on EARTH.
Look, I understand that security is important especially with the aftermath of 9/11. I want to feel safe like everyone else, but there has to be a better way.
Okay moving along... Now you arrive at your GATE and if you are going to any major city there is rarely a place to sit. This part doesn't piss me off. I'd rather be standing away from everyone else anyhow. So I wait patiently until they call my row to board the plane. And during that time I look around carefully to see who I HOPE is sitting next to me. Hopefully the hot brunette in the corner reading a book, not the loud blonde yapping on her phone but I'll take it over a sniffling single Mom with a crying baby in her lap. At this point I would settle for anyone that won't be crying and is under 200lbs. Once they make the call, people will run over you to get on first. It's like everyone is scared SHITLESS that their carry-ons won't fit in the over-head compartment... or maybe they're giving out free WHOPPERS with cheese to the first ones on. I eat that shit as little as possible so I walk slowly to the line, but I still feel like I'm in a battle scene from "300". Now here's the kicker... when you're making your way to the plane you start to have anxiety wondering which one of these idiots is sitting next to YOU.
So you get to your seat, throw your carry-on up top, sit down and WAIT. Like Tom Petty said, "The WAITING is the hardest part" and God Damn was he right. You then watch all of the people with babies getting on the plane and pray that they are in the last row in the back. People sniffling with tissues in hand stroll by. Whew. A 350 pound man follows. SHIT. Not cool. For him or me any way we look at it. And what the hell is that dude doing in COACH? I don't want to make the guy feel bad, but FUCK... Please walk on by.
It really sucks to have that feeling. You know, the feeling like you're being a bad human being. I hate that. But you know what... I'm sorry... I can't help it. These feelings are unavoidable on planes. I am a little man and it's hard for me to fit in the freaking seat. How in the H-E double hockey sticks is that guy going to fit in TWO of them let alone ONE?
Two years ago while working on film; I flew First Class everywhere. 15 cities in 3 months. I was spoiled... And it was AWESOME. It really is a better life up there. It's so much easier to get through the airport too. You don't wait in any lines. Nobody harasses you. No random checks. They treat you like you're TOM HANKS. And most importantly you don't give a SHIT who's sitting next to you on the plane because it could be KING HIPPO and it wouldn't phase you a bit.
On my last two flights I hit the Jackpot. I had an EXIT ROW on the flight back East with two other little guys and had the privilege of sitting next to a nice young lady on the way back home. So I guess you just have to get lucky or literally hit the JACKPOT and fly First Class to enjoy yourself in the not-so-friendly skies.
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