I AM SICK AND TIRED...

of WOMEN that have a lot of guy friends.  I just don't understand it.  It's bullshit.  Get yourself some GOD DAMNED girlfriends!  The guys don't want to hang out with 1 girl and 15 dudes.  It's not fun.  If you want to hang out, bring 10 girls with you and we won't complain.  15 guys competing for the same girl is a BLOODY, murdering mess.  There needs to be a good ratio for a gathering to be enjoyable, otherwise the men are unhappy.  Women constantly say, "I'm one of the guys."  Or they tell me, " Oh, I totally act like a dude."  Or my favorite, "Girls suck, they're so annoying... I'd rather hang out with guys."  I mean really... Enough is enough.

First off, YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THE GUYS.  If you were, you would have a THIRD leg... otherwise known as a PENIS.  And if you were such a dude, you wouldn't shave your legs and you'd be rocking the 5 o'clock shadow on your face.  I think that would be cool because I've always wanted to hang out with a bearded lady, but in that case you would probably join the circus instead of hanging with me.  Secondly, YOU DO NOT ACT LIKE A DUDE.  If you did, you would never call me... and you'd watch sports all the time... and you'd drink SCOTCH without cringing... and you'd smoke cigars.  Also, you wouldn't cry like a GIRL when I give you a surprise DEAD-LEG.  And another thing, if we got into a fight, I would be able to punch you in the face without facing criminal charges.  Finally, you are correct... Girls can be annoying.  And yes some of them do suck... but let's be honest here, they can't all be that bad.

Women just love having guy friends.  They love competing with them.  They always want to drink as much as you do.  By the way, if you are drinking like one of the guys, you probably drink too much.  Traditionally men are larger than you, so if you are consuming the same amount of alcohol or more than a dude, you are most likely A MESS.   Nobody wants to see a sloppy chick falling all over herself in the bar.  Who wants to take a chick home that can't function?  Some guys might, but they belong in a little place known as THE BIG HOUSE... aka THE STATE PENITENTIARY.

I'm not sure if they realize this, but if you are even a remotely attractive female... ALL OF YOUR GUY FRIENDS WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.  If not, they're either not attracted to you or gay.  I'm sorry, but it's a FACT.  Why do you think every guy you date gets jealous and HATES it when you have guy friends?  No man in his right mind wants to think about his girl hanging out with her MANTOURAGE.  Some may call this insecurity; I call it COMMON SENSE.

Over the years I have come to the understanding that women are always going to have SOME guy friends.  And that's okay.  They probably slept with them.  Being comfortable with that as a man is part of the maturing process.  I LOVE WOMEN... so of course I want them to be happy, but not too happy.  I find when women (and men) have everything they want, it never seems to be enough.  Some of the happiest married people go astray.   There is so much infidelity going on in this country it makes me ILL.  Maybe that's just part of a relationship?  Many people just deal with cheating when it happens, and they move forward.  But guess what honey bunches of OATS, NOT ME.  You cheat... BEAT IT.  SCRAM.  I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU.   Someday later on I might be able to forgive you... much later.  The truth is, I will NEVER take you back.  Maybe we can be friends at some point and the new guy you're dating can hate me because he'll always be wondering if we slept together.  Then when he accuses you of hanging out with guys you probably slept with, you'll lie... and so it begins.  Or maybe you'll tell the truth and he'll resent you for it and always be thinking, "Why does my girl want to hang out with her old flames?"

Have you ever brought up a woman in a conversation to a REAL man?  I'm sure you all have.  If this man is STRAIGHT, usually one of the first questions he asks is, "How does she look?"  Or "Is she HOT?"  I do it.  And if you are a normal dude, YOU DO IT.  No guy ever asks, "Where'd she go to school?"...  "What was her major?"... "What part of Virginia is she from?"  They may ask these questions later, but never first.  So ask yourselves this ladies, do you really want to be around someone all day that is trying to figure out a way to get into your pants?  Some women might and that's alright... I guess.  Maybe I'm just immature.  Yeah, that's it.  I'm an infant... A really smart one. 

I happen to be part of a large MANTOURAGE.  About 12-15 of us get together every weekend to play ball and then spend the day having drinks, watching sports and acting like buffoons.  We don't have very many girls around until nighttime.  Every once and while we make exceptions, but truthfully, women complicate things for us.  When they are around, everyone wants to hook up with this one... I got DIBS on that one... This guy's COCKBLOCKING that guy.  We just can't concentrate on the task at hand... acting like DIPSHITS.  It's a fucking mess.  A beautiful mess... Designated to begin after 9pm.