I AM A RESIDENT...

of CALIFORNIA and have been for almost 6 years now.  I've moved around a lot.  My plan was to come out here with 2 duffel bags and couch surf for a few months until I could find a steady job and eventually get my own place.  Well that didn't work out like I'd planned, so I became somebody's house boy instead.  I immediately got a job working outside for a local Landscape Architect building playgrounds, decks, and planting ridiculously large trees for the extremely wealthy folks living in LA county.  I did all this while living in a Guest House on a cliff in Palos Verdes.

In total, I wound up living there for about a year during 2 different stints.  In the middle of my Kato Kaelin period I lived in Santa Barbara for a few months with a couple of friends while working on a project.  So after my final stay in the Guest House I had saved enough money to get my own place.  I moved DOWNTOWN.  My friend and I found a spacey loft to rent in the Historic Arts District just below Little Tokyo.  It was great.  Everything I needed was close by.  The Japanese markets were awesome and kept us eating healthy.  All the best SUSHI in town was less than two blocks away... I was in HEAVEN.

This is where I had my first run-ins with LA's finest people... THE HOMELESS.  If you don't know anything about Downtown LA, it's where SKID ROW is located.  And for you out-of towners that is what you would call HELL ON EARTH.  Skid Row is located between 7th and 4th just below and above ALAMEDA... about 5 blocks from my house.  I always preferred to call it BUM CENTRAL rather than Skid Row, but if you've ever been there you'd think the latter is the appropriate name since everyone there looks like they're on their way out.

Now let me tell you what this place was like... Hundreds of dirty tents line the sidewalks for about a three block radius.  Where the Hell did they get these tents?  Did DICK'S Sporting Goods have an everything must go for free sale?  Blankets and sleeping bags filled with starving people resting on the street.  Drug use runs rampant as well as disease and violence.  This is not a place for any tax paying citizen to be walking at any hour of the day.  It's a sad sight... and if you haven't seen it you should just to see how lucky you really are.  Trust me, if you're ever feeling down on your luck, take a ride through SKID ROW.  That will wake you up... FAST.

While living 5 blocks away from this "other" world I avoided it whenever possible.  I was amazed that the bums weren't always coming into our neighborhood in droves looking for food, cans or any kind of handout, but they rarely did.  They stayed in their area for the most part and kept to themselves.  Don't get me wrong, there was an occasional maniac lurking, but not all the time like I'd expected.  Sometimes a random BUM would come into our alley and gather up as many cans as possible and rummage through the dumpster for clothes and other materials to use for shelter.  There was usually a regular BUM.  I guess it was his block or alleyway because the other randoms only came every once in a blue moon.  They must draw straws to see who gets what alley... I don't know.  To tell you the truth they never bothered me at all.  I actually used to separate my recyclables and put them in a bag next to the dumpster for the local homeless guy, which I'm sure he appreciated.

My point is, it was never a problem.  The bums went about their business and only came during the daytime.  They were rarely making a racket in the dumpster late at night or early in the morning.  If I ran into one of them in the alley I always said hello and they were very polite back.  I stayed Downtown for 2 years and lived in relative peace in harmony with LA's Homeless and HELL was only a few blocks away.

Now I live in Santa Monica.  The beach is right down the street.  I can see the Ocean from my front porch.  The women are beautiful.  The people are polite, the weather is fantastic and everything is accessible.  When I moved here I thought I had escaped the Homeless altogether since the neighborhood was so nice, respectable people walked freely, children were at play, and the streets were so clean.  Boy was I WRONG.  Homeless people in BEACH towns are the WORST.  Honestly, I fucking hate them.

Coming from the East Coast where we put our garbage cans in FRONT of our houses this was some transition.  In many California cities, for anyone that doesn't know, there are alleys between every street.  So behind the houses, large garbage cans (provided by the city) are placed in the alley; one for recycling and one for regular trash.  The garbage trucks come through the alleys and pick up the trash once or twice a week... I've yet to figure out their schedule, but they are loud as hell.  

Even though I want to kill the Garbage Men when they wake me up on random mornings; I can live with it.  What I absolutely can NOT live with is Homeless people that roam up and down the alley at all hours of the night and day fighting for whatever cans they can get.  And when I say fighting, I mean just that.  I have actually seen two BUMS screaming at each other saying, "I got here first MOTHER FUCKER!"  And this shit goes on ALL THE TIME.  Seriously, this should not be happening in a neighborhood where the houses are all over a million dollars and every apartment or condo being rented goes for over 2 grand a month.  

The other night at 3am some DOUCHEBAG BUM was pushing a fucking shopping cart filled with cans through the alley.  I mean come on guy, it's fucking 3am!  I know you have nowhere to live, no money, and no friends but people are SLEEPING for Christ's sake.  Is it really necessary to be inconsiderate when you are Homeless?  I think not.  I know you're probably crazy, but fuck... no wonder you're Homeless.

And what kills me, is that this is a BEAUTIFUL neighborhood.  Driving through it I would never have imagined in a million years that BUMS would rule the alleyways.  Nobody even chases them away.  It really pisses me off.  I think I'm going to set a trap in my trash can so that when they come in the middle of the night or at 5am to sift through it a SHIT BOMB will explode in their faces.  That will keep them away.  I may sound like an asshole here, but I don't give a damn.

And you know what else gets me going... when these poor saps have DOGS.  Where the FUCK do these animals come from?  Are they runaways?  Did they steal them?  How the hell do they feed them when they can't afford to feed themselves?  Those poor mutts.

This is a great country, but a very sad one.  We can't even take care of our own.  We really need to do something about the Homeless.  We need more shelters.  We need more psychiatric hospitals to hold these unfortunate souls.  They definitely should not be roaming the streets and alleys at all hours of the night.  It freaks people out... especially young women, kids, and ME.  I don't have a solution for the problem.  All I know is I want then to stay the FUCK out of my alley.  I guess they live by the code of EARLY BUM GETS THE CAN... and I hate it.