I AM DISCIPLINED (PART 1)...

and live by many rules.  Please allow me to enlighten you with a few of them.

1.)  I don't smoke... So there will be NO SMOKING in my house.  I'm sorry to inconvenience you on your crawl toward cancer, but I don't want the white paint on my living room walls turning the color of your dehydrated body's urine.

2.)  I never use ALCOHOL as an excuse.  Being drunk is never a justification for your behavior.  I don't want to hear it.  If you do DUMB shit when you are hammered... then you shouldn't be FUCKING drinking.

3.)  I LOVE MOVIES.  I watch them all the time.  If you don't like movies; I don't like you.  I mean, come on... Who says they don't like movies?  Have you ever seen "Stand By ME"?  "By the time we get there, the kid won't even be dead anymore."  Best line ever.  If you haven't seen this film you're dead to me.

4.)  I don't allow people to BORROW my movies.  Nope.  So don't ask.  You can't borrow them because you NEVER bring them back.  If I've allowed you to borrow one, this really says something about our friendship.  I have only spent every other dollar I've ever made collecting movies... It's my library... get your own.

5.)  If you have BAD BREATH, I am going to tell you about it.  Why should I sit around and let you torch my nose hairs with your DRAGON breath.  It's just not fair.  Bad breath is unacceptable.  If you need recommendations for mouthwash or gum please ask.  I will gladly help you out.

6.)  I don't do DRUGS.  Well that's not entirely true, because I do drink.  If you have never tried some sort of mind altering substance, especially alcohol, at some point in your life, you are a smart cookie, but I don't want to hang out with you.  A little side note... I don't want to hang out with crack heads or coke whores either.

7.)  I don't date STRIPPERS.  Honestly, I don't even really like strip clubs, so why would I date one of the employees.  I know you work hard for your money, but I don't want to hear about your DADDY issues.  I'm not a Psychiatrist.

8.)  I don't wear JEAN SHORTS.  If you are a MAN and wearing jean shorts and you're not on the AND 1 mix-tape tour; you are out of your mind.  They are uncomfortable, hot, heavy and look ridiculous.  Get a hold of yourself.  Women, please continue to wear those daisy dukes you love to rock.

9.)  I have SEX... as all mature human beings should.  If you do not have sex as an adult, I definitely do NOT trust you.  It's okay to go through a dry spell or to be faithful while your partner is away and you don't have to be a GIGOLO, but if you are a 40 year old virgin... there is something severely wrong with you.  If there are any young folks reading this... Make sure you are educated on this important topic and consult a physician first before plunging into this downward spiral.  Also be prepared to never get called back after your first 100 tries.

10.)  If you and I have been INTIMATE, and you have since slept with one of my best friends, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT expect me to ever go near you again.  This is NON NEGOTIABLE.  I learned to share in Kindergarten and I remember Miss Wallwork saying to swap crayons, not sexual partners.

11.)  I LOVE my PARENTS.  You must have a good relationship with your folks.  If you don't, you're probably an asshole or maybe they're assholes... but you should talk to them and figure that out.

12.)  I don't associate with RELIGIOUS FANATICS.  If you don't believe in evolution you are a MORON.  So if you're too religious... we won't make it.  It's okay to be spiritual, but if you are handing out Holy Scriptures in the PROMENADE like a ZOMBIE... I will tell you to make like a shepherd and get the FLOCK out of here.  Go sell crazy someplace else.

13.)  I like to be ALONE.  People that need to be surrounded by others 24 hours a day drive me nuts.  Everybody needs a little alone time to think it all over or just to relax.  Put your cell phone down, remove your head from your best friends ASS and read a book once in a while.  You'll become a better person.  It hasn't worked for me, but you should try it anyway.

14.)  I CURSE.  Swearing is a MUST.  If you don't curse... like ever, I don't trust you... so don't go asking me if you can babysit my unborn children.  For one, you're probably religious and two, you most likely think that you're more sophisticated or intelligent than me, which is unlikely.  Mind you, there is a time and a place for this, but if we are in a room full of dudes and I say FUCK and you look at me funny... I'm going to tell you to hit the bricks.

15.)  I believe that single MEN and WOMEN can only be FRIENDS under special CIRCUMSTANCES.  a) If you have slept with the other person before; you can be friends. b) If the the other person is dating someone, married, or slept with someone you are close with; you can be friends. c) If one of you is gay; you can be friends. d) If there is NO physical attraction between the two parties, meaning one of you is UGLY; you can be friends. e) I can't think of one, so there is no E.  I'm not sure why I wrote that.

This is a touchy subject for me.  I believe single women that have a lot of guy friends do it for attention and single men (well the ones who aren't out of the closet) do the same with women.  This is where THE RULE OF 3 comes into play.  If you have an attractive friend of the opposite sex that is SINGLE... You have either (1)HAD sex with them, (2) WANT to have sex with them, or (3) WILL be having sex with them in the near future.  FACT.  So with that being said, it's virtually impossible for two single, attractive, heterosexual adults of the opposite sex to be friends without ulterior motives.