I AM A HATER...

just as much as the next guy.  Here are a few of the things I can't stand.  I'll try not to over do it... If that's even possible...

1.)  People riding BIKES on the ROAD.  Why the fuck do they have to follow the same laws as drivers?  It's ridiculous.  Every time I see a biker in a lane on the street they're just causing traffic.  I hate it when they get mad at you for driving around them or cutting them off.  Hey, FUCK you pal... get on the sidewalk and avoid pedestrians.  What am I supposed to do wait for you when your max speed is 30 mph?  If not on the sidewalk, can you please stay as far to the right of the road as possible?  It's not that hard.  This hatred includes Motorcycles as well.  First, I hate them cause they're so dangerous.  These jerks think they're awesome cause they can BUZZ by me on the Freeway?  Negative.  All somebody has to do is make a slight move and you're a GONER.  Sometimes it pisses me off so much I just want to open my door and watch one of those bastards go flying.  Just so you all know, I don't mind bikes on a BIKE PATH.  Like the ones that run the length of the beach towns from Santa Monica and Malibu down to Redondo Beach.  That's fine, just stay off the road.  I'm all for being GREEN, but don't be an asshole, huh?  I'm sick of my blood boiling when a Motorcycle flies by me on the freeway when I'm in gridlock... It's not fair.

2.)  People that are singers... that never stop SINGING.  Put a fucking lid on it.  We KNOW you can sing.  We know you have a great voice.  But we don't want you to break into song while we're cooking dinner or when we're watching a movie or especially when we're reading a book.  Zip it!  Singing is for the studio, the stage, drunk people, and the fucking shower.  Feel free to belt it out while you're getting ZEST-FULLY clean.  Otherwise... Got you at a 10... Need you at a 0.

3.)  Women that say they're not going to HAVE SEX with you tonight.  HAHAHAHA.  Maybe it's a first date, maybe a second... but let me assure you... THIS ALWAYS MEANS THEY WANT TO AND THEY WILL.  Not to sound like a rapist here, but if they didn't want to sleep with you, they'd just say GOODNIGHT and leave.  This has never happened to me, I swear... I heard about it on the radio.

4.)  People that are constantly bashing ACTORS.  Like this one sucks, that guy can't act... this girl is annoying.  TERRANCE HOWARD isn't at Kinko's saying you SUCK at making copies is he?  Nope.  I talk shit too, but not as often as others.  You think you can act?  Show me.  I want to see you get up on stage and perform or crush a monologue on a set full of people when the lights go on and the cameras start rolling.  What's even worse is an actor trashing another actor that is GOOD.  You're obviously jealous of them.  Cut the Shit... If you're good enough, your time will come.

5.)  People that smoke so much POT and think it's not affecting their brain function.  Look, I'm all for anything in moderation, but seriously... Where are your keys?  Where is your wallet?  Where is your phone?  I bet you can't find any of that shit.  Exactly.

6.)  People that talk about SPORTS when they have no idea what the HELL they're talking about... Especially women.  Come on.  Do I pretend to know about finance or interior design?  No, I don't.  It's okay that you don't like sports.  I don't get it, but really... you don't have to pretend.  It's alright, I promise.  I still want to take you to a ball game and watch you cheer and drink beers with me.  Just don't be a phony.

7.)  People that can't SWIM.  This one kills me.  Are you SHITTING me?  Get in the God Damned water already.  It's not that hard.  I understand being afraid of what's in the water, but that's another issue altogether.  If you are a teenager or an adult and you can't SWIM, I suggest you head to the local Y for some lessons right after you slap both of your parents in the face with a FILTHY GYM SOCK.

8.)  Women that smoke.  Hey, I don't mind if you crank an occasional HEAT-ROD when you're boozing, but if you're huffing on 2 packs of BUTTSKIS a day... BEAT IT SISTER.  If I wanted to make out with an ashtray I'd lick the top of my cooler out on our balcony that my loving roommate so conveniently turned into HIS cemetery for Parliament Lights.   Let me be clear here and say I don't hate ALL women that smoke, I'm just saying I wouldn't date one that did.  One night stand... Make out buddy... that's another story.  Smoke em if you got em.

9.)  J-DATE.  I HATE IT.  For those of you that don't know what this is... It's an Online Dating Service for Jews and creepy people pretending to be Jews so they can meet and make WHOOPIE with Jews.  Wow, that sentence has to go into the Guiness Book of World Records for the most uses of the word Jew.  I mean seriously... go to jdate.com right now... please do it.  I want you to look at these poor schmucks.  It's hilarious.  I already hate Online Dating as is, but why do the Jews have to stick together and be all pompous like that?  It's kind of weird, don't you think?  I absolutely hate it when I hear my Jewish girlfriends yapping about their J-DATES and their profiles and their pictures.  It makes me want to KILL myself.  And if you were wondering, I don't hate the Jews... my best friend is one... Although I do feel like BORAT right now after writing that.

10.)  People that are OVER-WEIGHT... and wearing unusually tight clothes.  Look I'll be the first one to admit that I've rocked some small t-shirts, but I'm a little guy... not some 250lb chick sporting a BELLY shirt.  I don't give a fuck how old you are.  15 year old girls shouldn't be wearing belly shirts whether they're fat or supermodels.  It hurts my feelings when a young fat kid is walking around with their gut hanging out.  It's not aesthetically pleasing.  It's quite offensive to be perfectly honest.  Does it make you feel good to show the big TIRE wrapped around your waist?  I sure hope so because I'm dying over here, yet I can't turn my eyes away.  Maybe I'm a prick and these people feel comfortable in their own skin.  Good for you, but nobody wants to see a cottage cheese ass... so cover yourself up... unless you're on the beach... cause anything goes there.

Okay that's enough dislikes for one day.  I don't want to put myself in the TANK.  I'm sure I'll be back with more...  I need to lay down.