16.) I'm what you might call... a hypochondriac. Don't come near me when you have a COLD. Don't come out of the bathroom throwing me a Hi-Five after you just built a LOG CABIN in my toilet. If you do either of those things, I will be forced to spray you down with ANTIBACTERIAL LYSOL until you leave the premises.
Yes, I carry hand sanitizer with me. Yes, I'm the kind of fellow who washes his hands BEFORE and AFTER I water the flowers. So, if you're feeling a tad sniffly, or you're throat is a little scratchy, do us both a favor and STAY THE FUCK IN YOUR OWN BARN. Or if you just had a half hour meeting in my bathroom with THE NEW REPUBLIC; I better hear the sink running for at least 30 seconds after you've finished. Otherwise grab a paper towel on the way out so you can use it to open the front door. I don't want your poopy prints on my doorknob. According to me, if you don't follow these instructions, you're just an asshole farm animal who has a complete disregard for other mammals.
17.) I avoid going out and drinking on SCHOOL NIGHTS. I need to be fresh at work in the morning or I'll be a danger to my cohorts. Hey pal, if you drink every night, there's a name for that... It's called an ALCOHOLIC! Get to a fucking MEETING already. Check that... you're a Drunk, cause alcoholics go to meetings. And stop calling me on Wednesdays... "MODERN FAMILY" is on ABC and I love that show.
18.) I keep other people's private business to myself. If someone confides in you, they chose you for a reason (although they probably shouldn't have) and you MUST respect that. It's not that hard to keep a secret; just keep your mouth SHUT.
If you think you're keeping a secret because you didn't tell anyone EXCEPT your roommate; you're an IDIOT. Don't make exceptions with privacy, because the chances are he/she (or a he-she) already told 50 people. Actually, I take that all back. A word to the WISE... There's no such thing as a secret.
19.) I admit when something I do SUCKS. I also welcome constructive criticism. I don't hide behind my PRIDE (even though I am prideful). It's annoying. I only stick to my GUNS if I truly believe in my product. So do yourself a SOLID and admit you've been in a shitty movie... or made one for that matter. I know the ultimate goal here is to make a profit, but if the thing really blows, honesty just may help you.
Admit you're a shitty writer. Those poems you wrote on the index card turned into a Valentine for CHRISTI in 2nd grade were awful. Why do you think she dated the DIRTWAD-NERD who got his ass kicked everyday in the schoolyard? Cause he grew up to be Tom Clancy and you work at BURGER KING.
Admit you're a shitty METEOROLOGIST. I know it's a guessing game, but it's pouring out and you said there wouldn't be a cloud in the sky, dumbass. You had to know there was gonna be at least one cloud, right?
Admit you're a TERRIBLE parent. Your kid is sitting at a bus stop by HIMSELF reading the Penthouse Forum, smoking Camels... and he's 9. Great work. Remind me why you had kids again? Do the world a favor and work on being better at whatever it is you do or have yourself checked into a mental institution.
20.) I don't AMES (pronounced AIMS) my friends. Ames-ing is when you take a girl from right underneath your friend's nose... or simply cockblock. David Ames is Tom Cruise's character's name in "Vanilla Sky". I love that flick. In the film, Cruise steals Jason Lee's character's date, Penelope Cruz, unintentionally (my ass, it's always intentional) right in front of him. Chances are he never had her if she had a radar lock on his buddy's JUNK. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and LOCK IT UP if you want to keep your friends.
21.) I don't think every GIRL on the planet wants to sleep with me. Well, most do, but not all of them. I hate dudes that think every chick wants to bang them. Wake up pal... you're kidding yourself... And that jokes old. You probably couldn't get laid in the Red Light District in Amsterdam with fistful of hundreds.
22.) I don't leave dishes in the SINK. I don't understand this at all. Nine times out of ten the fucking dishwasher is right next to the sink, so what's the problem? Unless your dishwasher is a tiny woman from HONDURAS and you're eagerly waiting for her to cross the boarder, rinse the damn dish off and put it in already you simple fuck. So what you're saying is, you're too lazy to move your upper extremities, huh? Then why are you in your room stroking your BIRD every chance you get? Give me a break. Clean up after yourself. You're an adult. Obviously this is directed at a certain someone, but he doesn't read this thing... so F him.
23.) I simply will not butcher the English language. I hate when others perform surgery on perfectly created words and phrases. For example, all of these acronyms used to communicate over the computer or phone via text make me ILL. Technology has made us dumber then we've ever been.
LOL. I HATE THIS ONE MORE THAN YOU KNOW. Laugh out Loud. Really, people? I'll take HAHAHAHA over LOL anyday.
BTW. By the Way I hate this one too.
WTF. What the fuck is your problem? Are you in that much of a rush that you can't spell the words out? I'm sure you're so busy waiting to send your next text while driving.
FML. Fuck my Life? Stop. Just stop it dimwits. Kids shouldn't be allowed to have cell phones or computers until their 18. They're making them illiterate, not clever.
24.) Under no circumstance will I ever like NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL. Even when they play USC or some other team I dislike with a passion, I can't find myself pulling for them. I grew up in a predominantly Catholic neighborhood where everyone loved Notre Dame. It was annoying as Hell; and I'm Irish Catholic.
Let me put it this way, If my Mother was the quarterback of ND's Football team, I would still be rooting for Navy. If my son is a BLUE CHIP athlete; I will send him to TOLEDO if he gets any ideas about ND.
And I swear if Regis Philbin mentions the IRISH one more time, I'm going to throw my flat screen through the window. The best thing to ever come out of ND... the movie "RUDY". I just got choked up thinking about it.
25.) I REFUSE to kiss anyone's ass (unless she's really hot). I don't give a shit what show you're on. I don't care if you're my only shot at getting a role in a film or my only chance to sign a book deal. I will be me, always. If you don't like it... Too God Damn bad. Go find a LACKEY elsewhere. I don't care how successful you are. You're either an asshole, or not an asshole. So don't go expecting me to work extra hard for your acceptance or friendship if you're more successful than me... Cause it won't be for long. I have enough friends.
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