1.) LAKERS FANS. Maybe it's because you don't have a pro football team here and there's so much focus on the storied franchise with the ugliest uniforms in the history of sports. Donning that Purple and Gold must be painful. Or perhaps it's the fact that Jack Nicholson (a native of my home state) sits courtside like a traitor and cheers for Kobe Bryant as if he were his son. It really sucks that Jack is so cool and Kobe is a beast. Truthfully, that stuff doesn't bother me as much as the God Damned flags sticking out of every car window in the city. It might be acceptable if all the ghetto whips were rocking them, but every fucking LEXUS, BENZ, and Hummer in LA has at least one. When I see one I want to rip it out, wipe my backside with it, throw it in a bonfire and piss all over it. If the KNICKS didn't suck so much, I would be talking more shit... Too bad they suck.
2.) PLAYING BASKETBALL WITH GROWN ASS MEN. I HATE it. If you play pickup games or in a league, you know what I'm talking about. If not, bare with me, I'll explain. It all starts during childhood. When you're a kid, and other kids complain and act like pussies on the basketball court, it's understandable. You think they'll grow up, be tough and stop calling brush fouls. The funny thing is... That never happens. Once a sissy, always a sissy. Quit your bitching and play ball.
I also can't stand when people think they're great and try to do more than they're capable of. Play within yourself pal. You're not that good. If you were, you would've gone to DUKE, and I'd be watching you in the NBA FINALS instead of playing in a league with you at Beverly Hills High School.
3.) PEOPLE WHO CONSTANTLY SUNBATHE. Jesus, don't you know the sun is not that good for you? Yes, in small doses it's healthy, but laying out every day and being over-exposed to the sun can lead to skin cancer. Haven't you heard? Or is that just a theory, like EVOLUTION? I think it's about time we start trusting scientists. If you're going to be defiant and stay out in the sun all day every day, you better throw some SPF 50 on or you're going to wind up looking like MAGDA from "THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY". That's not good, trust me. Nobody wants to fondle a reptile... Unless you live in Florida where the leather skin look is in.
4.) THE MEDICAL MARIJUANA SHOPS IN CALIFORNIA. Look, I don't have a problem with smoking weed, but if they're going to make that shit legal just do it already. I've had enough of these phony doctors standing in the streets with their 420 signs, ready to hand out a prescription to anyone with Bunyons or a lazy eye. These fucking chop shops open up on every street corner like 7ELEVENs and a week later they're gone. Then two weeks after that another one pops up in the same space. I guess they're getting chased off, but how the fuck does a new one open up in the same spot 10 days later? Give me a break. Either leave the Cheech and Chong fans alone or don't let them open up in the first place. Hey government, make up your mind already!
I have a question for all the burnouts out there... Does making weed more accessible take away from the allure? I thought the idea of scoring some chronic was only fun when it was illegal. Maybe if it goes legal, less people will be stoked about eating Funyuns and Cheetos at 3am. But what the hell do I know?
5.) CLOSING THE DOOR AFTER YOU GO #2. I will never comprehend this behavior. What's the fucking point of taking a shit and locking your stink in a 4x6 hot box (especially when there aren't any windows)? That's right, NONE. And you know what's even worse? When somebody drops anchor, and over-sprays the room with Febreeze or a disinfectant that smells like a retirement home. You and I both know this is not circumventing the situation.
What cracks me up here, is women do this more often than men. I know you're embarrassed that you made a smelly, but nobody gives a shit (literally). We all know you ladies go #2, but I ask you pretty please, do not make it worse by trapping your foulness in a small room and masking it with some disgusting spray (that goes for dudes too).
I have a little story with this one. Last Thanksgiving, my roommate and I hosted a dinner for about 12 people. A girlfriend of a buddy of ours asked to use the bathroom after dinner and somebody was in the main one. So my roomie politely showed her to the bathroom in his bedroom. She vanished for about 15 minutes and suddenly reappeared. She looked like she'd just robbed a bank. Her face was riddled with guilt. It's not like we didn't know she was making a doody, and as I pointed out earlier, nobody cared. About a minute later, everyone's eyes started tearing. Then we couldn't breathe. This powerful scent was coming from my roomie's bedroom. It was unbearable, but it didn't smell like POO. My roomie hustled in there, opened the bathroom door and immediately realized it was TEA TREE OIL. He saw the empty bottle in the trash. If you don't know what it smells like, take a whiff... It's extremely overwhelming. It's used to kill fungus and alleviate pain in cuts and burns (you're only supposed to use a drop). He then whispered to me, "Do you think she knocked over the bottle?" "Don't know" I said. He then started laughing hysterically. It took me a second, but I eventually got it. She took a dumpsky and thought it smelled bad... So she went rummaging through his things to find something to cover the stench. She stumbled upon the tea tree oil and thought it was a deodorizer. She used the entire bottle, shut the door and scurried out. Nobody said anything to her, but I wish I would have... It would have been hilarious, but we didn't want to embarrass her and we were too busy fighting for air while crying.
Have a great weekend kids!!!
Meen dog..been a while, but i still enjoy your commentary. Hope all is well. Peace
ReplyDelete