I AM THE ANGRIEST MAN ALIVE...

or so it may seem.  Do you ever feel frustrated when you're not getting your way?  Come on, of course you do... I do sometimes.  It's because you're spoiled, but do not fret, everyone does at some point.

I've always thought of myself as a "NICE" guy.  A simple man... if you will.  Yet the older I get, the more I realize, I'm anything but that.  And when I mention the word nice, what immediately comes to mind is that's another word I dislike with a passion.  It's a word we use nowadays to shut people up on IM or text... Or in a phone conversation when we aren't listening.  When putting it that way, "Nice" doesn't sound very good at all.

Some days I come home from work MISERABLE.  Well, to be completely honest, it's actually most days.  I never thought I would be THAT guy.  You know the guy... The one that brings his work home with him.  The funny thing here is my job is not difficult.  I don't have problems there.  I get along with all of my coworkers and my boss.  They're my friends.  So what's the problem?  I'm not angry on the way home, but once I step through the door I find reasons to be disgruntled.  I just wish I could come home and find the house clean, with nobody in it.  I don't hate my life, but I can't say I'm completely happy with where I'm at.

Having a roommate is HARD and has proven to be even more difficult when you know the person extremely well.  I'll be the first to admit; I'm a pain in the ass.  I'm sure I'm no cupcake to live with.  Having a best friend as a roomie is worse than being married (or living with your girlfriend) because there's no sex, no tax break, and domestic violence can occur often without the Policia showing up.  When you know someone so well, live with them, and have all the same friends; everything in your lives seems to be meshed together.  I don't even know which towels are mine anymore.  I'm having a great deal of trouble with that.

I have set so many goals for myself and so many standards in which to live by, that on occasion I don't even know which way is UP.  I want my house to be clean, especially if I'm expecting company.  I make my bed every morning.  I want the dishwasher emptied as soon as it's run its course so dishes don't pile up in the sink...  I want to feel like an adult.  I require a certain amount of privacy.  I want to EARN a decent living.  I want to be respected by my peers.  I want to treat women the way they deserve to be treated.  I want my family to be proud of me...  I have so much to live up to and I'm not sure if I'm fitting the bill.  I don't understand why I put so much pressure on myself.  I also like to drink Green tea... Maybe if I pour a cup on this rainy day everything will be okay.

So who's judging me?  Probably nobody... Nobody but me.  Most of my friends don't really give a shit about what I'm doing with my life.  It's not their job to.  I don't blame them.  They just want to hang out and have a good time.  And if I'm not readily available to them; they almost always unintentionally make me feel bad about it.  It's as if they cannot have a good time without me.  I know this isn't true; I've seen pictures.  And that's my own shit I've have to deal with.  It's not their fault.  They simply want me around... As I want them around.  But sometimes people NEED to understand the circumstance.  There are times I can't afford to have a GOOD time out on the town.  The truth is most of my friends are willing to pick up a tab just so I'm in attendance, but you know what, I'm not that kind of guy.  I don't want any part of it until I know I can offer something in return.  I love what they're trying to do, but the most important thing right now is getting my life started in my area of focus, not getting shitcanned every Friday and Saturday.   

Most of my friends are enjoying some kind of financial success in one way or another; I, on the other hand am not.  I respect them for it.  Most of them EARNED it.  And I want to hang out as much as they do, but I don't feel comfortable when people want to buy me things.  It's totally a poor man's syndrome.  And I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  Yes, I'll let you buy me a drink here and there but I absolutely REFUSE to take advantage of someone I love.  Yes, I have a great core group of friends.  Yes, I have a great family, but me allowing myself to use other people as a crutch is not the key to my happiness.

The key to my happiness is PURSUIT... And I have been slacking... Again.  Pursuing a dream is the purest form of living.  If you want something; you have to take it.  You have to try... And try pretty fucking hard.  I mean isn't this what it's all about?  Making your dreams a reality...  You can't let anyone tell you something is impossible, because it's just not true.  If you want to be a fucking ASTRONAUT, by all means study your ass off, go to a great school, and enter the space program at NASA for fuck's sake.

I made a life-altering decision to move and completely redirect where my life was headed over 5 years ago.  I left a stable life, for one without an iota of stability.  Looking back, I know I made the right choice, but it's time to get back on track.  What am I doing about getting to my final destination?  I'll tell you... I'm learning.

One thing I've learned on this journey is... YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE.  They are who they are and that's FINAL.  If you live with someone that doesn't live by your standards, it can be difficult, but asking them to be like you isn't fair.  They don't want to be like you.  They want to be themselves.  So getting mad at someone for being his or herself is a BAD idea.  And if you continue to try and change others you'll continue to be unhappy.  So move on... Move up... or Move on out like the Jefferson's did.  And maybe, just maybe... start thinking about making some changes of your own.  Trust me, you'll smile more.