I AM IRKED WHEN...

1.)  I walk into the bank and one of those account mangers is standing by the teller line asking everyone in creation if they have a straight deposit so they can do it for them.  Don't you think if they had a straight deposit they would go to the ATM?  Just because nobody is opening any new accounts due to the fact we're all broke and you're fucking BORED doesn't make it right.  I know you're trying to be helpful, but BEAT IT NERD.

2.)  People are riding bikes and talking on their Cell Phones.  You have got to be kidding me.  I want to throw a stick between your spokes anyway because you're fucking up traffic, but now I just want to cut you off and watch you go flying into oncoming traffic.

3.)  People carry cameras everywhere.  I get it.  You're a PHOTOGRAPHER (sorry Derek, I love ya buddy) or a TOURIST... same thing.  Do you need to document the time you stepped in SHIT on LaBrea?  I'm pretty sure you'll remember it without the photo when your using a plastic fork to scrape the doo-doo off your shoe.  That rhymed.  Maybe I'm jealous because I don't have any pictures and the only camera I've ever had was a disposable.

4.)  Creditors call me for other people.  Who the fuck gave you the right to give my name and number out?  Not cool.  When they call me, I unleash the wrath of God on the operator.  I make them feel like they should jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, followed by me smashing my phone on the ground.  If I have to answer your deadbeat calls, you have to buy me a new phone and pay for my therapy sessions.  I know that's not possible cause you're being hunted by a collection agency.  It's not my fault you don't pay your bills... Leave me out of it.  This makes me so angry I want to defriend you on FACEBOOK.

5.)  Men or Women have a ridiculous amount of holes in their jeans.  Every once in a while it's okay.  For example... on Halloween, Slut night, at a gay bar, a construction site, or church... Those are the only exceptions.  If you look like you just ran through a sticker bush or were taking shrapnel on the beach at Normandy and you're in a restaurant... You're an asshole.

6.)  The WASHING MACHINE or DRYER (one of those assholes) eats one of my socks.  Where did that little mother fucker go?  I know he was in there when I started the wash.  I'm not sure why socks hate me.  My feet don't stink.  Did he hate me that much he jumped behind the dryer?  Probably.   And he knows I'm too Damn lazy to maneuver around the dryer to get anything. (And yes, socks are men because no woman would be caught dead near your feet.)  Even if I dropped a pair of Erin Andrews' panties back there, I'd have to chalk them up... No way I'm going back there.

7a.)  A dude's fly is down and nobody tells him.  What kind of society is this that we're willing to let a fellow man walk around while his BIRD is about to ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ?  Let a brother know for Christ's sake.

7b.) Someone unknowingly has a gigantic whitehead on their face.  I know I've said you're not supposed to touch your face, but when there is just one and it looks like a moon crater filled with cream cheese, it's time to make a move.  I'm definitely going to tell you take care of it and I expect you to do the same for me.  So go wash your hands, pop that shit, wash your hands again and you can come back without having to worry about me regurgitating my burger onto your plate.

8.)  My boss gives me more keys for work.  I already look like a JANITOR from Iselin Middle School.  I have more keys on my keychain than a locksmith.  Do they have a lot of keys?  Who knows.  I mean how many keys do we need?  One for the car, one for the trunk, the front door, the back door, the gate, the upper lock, the bottom lock, the stock room, the back office, this case, that case, the key to your heart... Jesus.  I can't walk around without it looking like I have an army of G.I. JOES in my pocket.  I make so much noise when I walk that everywhere I go people think I'm there to fix the toilet... It's a travesty.  

9.)  I need work done in my mouth and the Dentist charges me 1,000,000 dollars.  I know I'm an indentured servant without Dental Insurance, but there's got to be a discount you can give me.  That shit is expensive.  How about I don't break your fucking nose and hit you in the kneecap with a sledge hammer and you fill my cavity for $20?  Sound good?  Yeah, I thought so.  Where's the mob when you need them?  Boy, I miss New Jersey.

10.)  My family refuses to fly.  It's 2010 guys.  Planes are safe.  Fact.  Yes, they suck when you're in the cattle car, but it's only for a few hours.  And if that MASHER SULLY can land a plane in the Hudson River, I think you should feel safe... cause I do.  I know I made the decision to move WEST, but you crackers can come visit me too, you know?  Don't worry Ma, you're excluded and I'm coming to visit soon.