The rules I live by have most certainly limited my vision. I can't see past a THIRD nipple. I don't understand people who don't read. I can't get past the fact a girl smokes. If she has a kid, it scares the shit out of me because the last thing I want to do is shoplift the POOTY from a baby's mama. Or how about a girl that has dated one of my friends in the past? They're definitely off limits. Who wants to double dip after one of my friends anyway? And rich girls kill me too. For some reason I don't have anything in common with a girl who has been proudly throwing around a BLACK AMEX CARD since she was 8. Maybe it's because my Capital One card has a $500.00 limit.
I'm at an age when these things matter. Getting older is a bitch. These situations never bothered me before. In High School and College, you found a little lady, made whoopie for a while and moved on. I rarely gave a shit who she slept with, or how many prison sentences she served. Every so often, I found one I really liked and dated her for as long as possible. It usually took at least 8 months before I realized she had 6 toes on her left foot, walked with a limp, snorted coke in the laundry room on Tuesdays, and drank like she was preparing to play Amy Winehouse in a Biopic. Now, I notice that shit in 30 seconds.
One time, I dated a girl who laughed at everything I said. I know I'm funny, but nobody's that funny. She disappeared quicker than Chris Brown's career. He did have that one great song... "It's like a waited my whole life, for this one night..." Sorry. Love that track. And most likely he'll be back in a big way since now that I think of it, his music is pretty damn good.
Another time, I dated a girl who used to stare at me while I slept... Like all the time. Are you serious? Listen, I'm not that good looking and when I wake up and you're in my face all I can think of is Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" and where did I put the Hammer again? I'm not interested in dating someone that might murder me while I'm counting sheep. At least have the common decency to attack me while I'm watching American Idol.
Sometimes AGE gets in the way. Out here in Hollywood, it's not frowned upon to date someone much older or younger than you. Look at Hugh Hefner for Christ's sake... That dude has 21 year old SPINNERS grabbing at his old junk at the drop of a hat. And how about this kid from "KICK-ASS" (great movie by the way)... He knocked up a producer 24 years older than him. It cracks me up. What do these people have to talk about? Him: "Hey, you like the Beatles?" Her: "Yes I do." No shit SHERLOCK, everybody likes the Beatles. Cut to 5 years, 4 divorces, 3 kids, 2 STDs, and 1 dog later... Still have anything to talk about? Yeah, bills and ALIMONY. Fuck that.
I find it especially difficult to converse with people way younger than me. 21 year old girls are on a different plane of existence than me. They want frat boys, money, nice cars and feigned confidence, not male pattern baldness and 1994 Infiniti. And older women want you to be their boy-toy. That's fine for a little while, but nothing long term is going to come to fruition.
5 years. That's my limit. If a girl is five years older or younger; we're still in the same generation. I don't have to worry about her 8-track player breaking and her eggs drying up or talking in that acronym language I'll never comprehend. It's taking over the planet. For example... "OMG, it wuz gr8 2 C U yesterday!" Holy Shit! She spelled yesterday correctly! It's like pulling teeth. Speak English you lazy mother fuckers.
And this whole TWITTER thing... People who are obsessed with Twitter drive me nuts. Who gives a fuck? Twitter sucks. That's right, I said it. Everyone I know is telling me I have to update my Twitter account. They say it will give me a bigger audience. I say people will only read the Twat or Tweet or whatever the fuck it's called. Who knows... Maybe my blog sucks. You may be right, but I'll tell you who loves it... My MOM. And she's rarely wrong about anything... Just ask my old man.
What's with this obsession of following your favorite celebrities on Twitter? You don't know those people, so why are you worried about what they're doing at that exact moment? You should probably worry about what you're doing right now... Probably wasting your life pretending to be someone you're not. Who gives a shit where Kim Kardashian is shopping right now? Who the HELL is that girl anyway? Why does she have a show? A career? All I know is she's the girl who gets broken off by REGGIE BUSH. Great job pal, cause she's kind of hot.
Sometimes things don't work out the way you planned. Maybe age just IS a NUMBER. I guess people can be much more than the 47 CAMELS they smoke a day. Maybe that third nipple is an erogenous zone just waiting to be explored. Perhaps she's staring at you because she loves you. Maybe you are that funny. Maybe she reads while she's on the toilet and you just don't know it. Maybe she dated one of your friends to get closer to you. Creepy, but possible. I hope you're not like ME. Don't be that kind of guy or gal. You should be willing and able to modify your rule book and give people a chance.
Happy Friday Jerks! I have a big weekend before me. I'm heading over to GOLF-N-STUFF tomorrow to meet up with Elisabeth Shue and if I see that Cobra Kai pussy Johnny Lawrence, I'm going to stuff his head in the fucking POP-A-SHOT!
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