I AM COMING TO TERMS...

With the fact that one day, I will be BALD.  This is harsh reality to face.  Isn't it bad enough that hair turns gray?  Balding can be tricky.  It creeps up on you... Excuse me, creeps away from you.  One day in High School your forehead is just a few inches above your eyebrows, a few months later you have a Widow's Peak like Count Chocula, before you know it you look like Larry David, and finally Mahatma GANDHI.  Bald as the day you spontaneously combusted into this world.  Such a shame.  What's even worse is when baldness hits you from the back, in what I call the REVERSE YARMULKE.  This is when your hair recedes from back to front, giving you that dreadful bald spot making you look like you've been at a Bar Mitzvah every day since you were 12.  Now that is way scarier than walking around with a Tyra Banks-like forehead.

I get it.  It's not cool to lose your hair; it just happens.  I'm not exactly delighted that the only brush in my future is one for my teeth, but what can I do?  This is nature's way of letting some men know how small they really are.  You think you're a pretty boy?  How does BALDNESS SOUND?  Boom!  It's just another way to keep us grounded.

Now, the delusional behavior that follows a man with MPB (Male Pattern Baldness) is disturbing.  Rugs, implants, Rogaine, and comb-overs... do you think we don't know?  Donald Trump, for example, has the whole comb-it-forward thing going.  It's ridiculous.  You have to be shitting me, Trump.  Don't get me wrong, he is THE MAN.  He's wealthy, not as bad looking as he could be, and he can have any woman he wants... On the Planet... FACT.  But let's be honest here Donnie, give it up man.  Peel your cap already.  I'm sure you'll look fine.  Maybe he's trying to hide some gruesome scar he got back in the 80's when he was banging a cocktail waitress in one of his Casinos and he hit his head on a SLOT MACHINE.  It's possible.

Look at Bruce Willis... He went bald and what did he do?  He shaved his head.  And the guy looks great.  I have to tip my hat to the fellow New Jersey Native.  He did it right.  My dad did the same thing when he was a little over 50 and he still looks good.  My Mom's not a fan of the baldy, but it looks better than the horseshoe that old men love to rock.  Then again, I'd take the horseshoe over that fucking comb-over ANY DAY.  The comb-over is flat out embarrassing.

I can't imagine looking at myself in the mirror and deciding how much gel to put in my SIDE hair so that it will look thick when I carefully place it over my shiny top.  I would never do that, I say now, but let's hope it never comes to that.  Gene Keady, the former PURDUE basketball coach, is the greatest example of rocking the COMB-OVER ever.  Google him.  It's absurd.  Great coach.  Great man.  Even greater insecurity.  You're 70-something years old!  People understand.  Let it go, Gene.  If Rose could let go of Jack, you should do the same with your hair.

What about RUGS?  Hair pieces are insane.  Remember Maury from Goodfellas?  He's the guy that wants Jimmy (DeNiro) to pay him back.  He has that commercial for the Wig company where he jumps into the pool with his hair piece on.  It's quite amusing.  Watch it again.  If you haven't seen Goodfellas, please make a fist with your right hand, lift your arm and punch yourself in the face as hard as you can... because you are an imbecile.

When a man wears a RUG, it's so blatantly obvious.  Give me a fucking break.  If any of my balding friends decide to wear a rug, I will most certainly put some Mach 3 Turbos in their stocking that year as a parting gift... cause our friendship will be over.

My brother has been shaving his head for about 10 years now.  He loves it.  It's HIS look.  He thinks he's going bald, but he's not.   We just have big foreheads, or 8-heads as I like to call them.  He may go bald in the next 20 years, but we'll never know because he will continue to shave his head as long as he has the strength to glide that razor over his cranium.  I'd bet my life on it.

When I was in college, I used to shave my head too.  Bald.  As the people in the bald community like to call it, BIC'ED.  BIC'ING your head means you put a razor to your dome as you would when you shave your face or legs for the ladies out there.  I Bic'ed my head for about 2 years.  Then one day while running the razor over my head in the shower I thought, "FUCK, what if this shit doesn't grow back?"  I knew I needed to hold onto my hair for as long as I could.

So what causes baldness?  Some experts say it comes from a gene passed on by your mother's father.  If that's true, thanks a lot GRAMPS.  Others say it comes from stress and some say it happens if you wear hats too much.  Well, I have a problem with this one.  I like to wear hats.  And maybe it's not helping my cause for keeping a full head of hair...  That's just too bad, because hats happen to look good on me.  And if balding is the result, that sucks, but so be it.

There are a lot of ballsy bald men out there.  One of my favorites is Danny Devito.  I love how he rocks the horseshoe with a ponytail.  It's hilarious and awesome.  You don't see him trying to comb-it-forward or over.  He's given up, accepted his fate, and rocks what he has... more power to him for that.  He's a masher.  Larry David is another good example.  He's made the most of his situation.  He's got a skinny head, so maybe he can't shave it off cause he'll look like Beaker from the MUPPETS, minus the orange top.  The curly horseshoe works for Mr. David.  Honestly, he can do whatever he wants because I love the guy.

The time will come for me, when I have to decide whether to rock the horseshoe, get implants or a rug, use Rogaine, or shave it off.  So many choices.  I'm pretty sure I will BIC it, since I've done it before and that's how my brother and father roll.  I used to worry about it, but I don't really anymore.  If it's in the cards for me to be a bald eagle, I can deal with it.  I've been holding on for quite some time now and let's knock on wood... I think I have a good 20 years left before I have to make that choice.  That's good news because not everybody is so lucky, but when the time comes I'll be ready... Perhaps to head on down to MAURY'S WIGS... cause they... "Never come off!"