I AM IN 2ND GRADE...

LAUREN was her name.  Blonde hair was her game.  I loved her with every ounce of my being and I was only 8.  She was the one to end it all.  As an adult I've never been much of a blonde aficionado, but as a little whipper snapper gold locks could bring me to my knees.  Valentine's Day was on the horizon...  Wait a second... Let's backtrack.  A few years before on the day of my graduation from Pre-School (I was 4 or 5), I kissed KAREN.  She smiled.  Heaven.  It was only on the cheek, but it was certainly life changing.  I thought I could get a ring from a Gum-ball machine outside of the A&P for a quarter, ask her to be my wife, and then I would be set for LIFE.  Well obviously it didn't work out the way I'd planned.  We went to different elementary schools and I didn't see her again until 6th grade.

Back to 2nd grade and Lauren...  She was the cutest thing.  A few days before Valentine's Day Mrs. Ragucci told us to start thinking about making our cards for that special someone.  I knew immediately who was to receive mine.  As the day drew closer, I hoped she had the same feelings for me.  I hoped she was planning the perfect Valentine for me.  I thought, "The clock was ticking so she had better stop answering all the god damned math questions and get her mind right."

The BIG DAY came.  I was prepared.  I had scissors, plenty of red paper, and glue to place hearts carefully on my card.  When Mrs. Ragucci finished up our spelling lesson near the end of the day; she told us to take out our art supplies.  Little did she know I had surreptitiously been working on my Valentine all day.  I learned nothing in school on that particular day.

As the rest of the class quietly worked on their cards, mine was finished.  I thought receiving a Valentine from me was as coveted as a degree from Princeton.  I looked around the room with a shit eating grin on my face at the rest of those saps who thought that had a bleeding chance in hell at my lady.  She was mine for the taking.  We were in CCD together.  Our parents took turns carpooling us,  yet I don't think we ever said anything to one another.  I was just working my game and waiting for the perfect moment... and this was it.

With my head on a swivel, I watched all the other guys closely.  I wanted to see who thought they had a drop on my future baby mama.  It was looking good.  You see, the thing was... Lauren was a sleeper.  She wasn't the class favorite.  She was number 2.  A girl named Christine was everyone else's heartbreaker.  I didn't see it.  I only had eyes for Lauren.

At the end of the card making session I took a deep breath, tied my little Jordan's tightly and prepared myself for the walk over to her desk.  Then Mrs. Ragucci made an announcement, "Okay kids, I'll come around and collect all of your cards, and I'll hand them to your Valentine."  Shit.  What the fuck was that all about?  She wanted us to turn them in so that SHE could redistribute them to protect our anonymity.  I was pissed.  I get it, she didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but how did she think the funny looking kids felt when she was standing over Lauren and Christine's desks handing them all the cards?  Furious.  I wanted to give her the card myself.  So in a freak out moment when Mrs. R got close, I signed the card... "Love, Your Secret Admirer."  What an idiot.  When she took the card from me I was deflated.  Later I saw her handing Lauren 10 or so cards and I knew I was a goner.  I had no shot.  She'd never know... Story of my fucking life.

I waited until 5th grade to tell Lauren I loved her.  She was so shy, but apparently she liked me back.  All that time we wasted!  Our torrid affair lasted for a week or so before middle school started.  I think we held hands once or twice on the crosswalk.  That was it.  I got more play in Pre-School.  Then once middle school started everything changed.  There were more options for the both of us.  We drifted apart.  I always wanted to go back to 2nd grade and tell her everything.  I wanted to tell her we could run away and live in my parent's basement, but I never did.  I moved away after middle school and who knows what could have been if I'd only sacked up.

So this Valentine's Day... Let's not miss the boat fellas.  It's time to make your damn move.  Otherwise you'll be spending a Friday writing about some chick you haven't seen since 2nd grade.  And hey ladies, don't be scared to make a move yourselves... I mean what's the worst that could happen?  You might get shot down...  So what... My feelings are more deeply hurt watching one of those suckers get kicked off American Idol.  Remember Valentine's Day can be like it was in 2nd grade, just with a little more communication I hope.  But nothing can replace the wonderment you have as a child.  Damn I miss my youth.  Happy Valentine's Day to everyone out there... Especially you Mom.