I AM FASCINATED...

by the unbelievably large SQUID that are appearing off the coast of California.  Have you seen them?  If not, Google it because I don't have time to drop the link.  They are GIGANTIC.  I've always liked fried calamari, but I couldn't imagine one of these sonofabitches on my plate.  You'd have to dine on the hood of your car.  These carnivorous cephalopods can weigh up to 100 lbs and squirt nasty ink when they're pissed.  Can you picture yourself jumping into the ocean and seeing these phallic-like creatures swimming toward you?  They look like John Holmes' dong on steroids... with tentacles.  One second you're going for a dip in the ocean, the next you're in a Jules Verne/Michael Crichton novel/70's porno flick.  I would lose it.  Isn't it bad enough we have have sharks to be afraid of?  Granted, shark attacks are highly unlikely... But if one of those suckers ever gets a hold of you... Kiss your ass goodbye.

When I was a kid I loved swimming pools.  At one point we had one of those above ground pools that you've only ever seen on TV in New Jersey.  For me, it was like having the Atlantic Ocean in my little backyard.  Pools are a safe place to swim.  No sharks.  No giant squid.  No waves.  No undertow.  All I had to worry about was my big brother and his friends dunking me.

I remember my parents taking us to the SHORE when we were young.  My brother and I loved the ocean.  Personally, I wasn't a big fan of the sand or too much sun, but the water was my sanctuary.  I thoroughly enjoyed navigating underwater.  I pretended I was a deep sea diver... In 4 feet of water.  Then one weekend in the mid 80's I saw a little film called "JAWS".  Maybe you've heard of it?  And suddenly everything changed.

Even though my father used to swim out as far as he could without getting whistled by the lifeguards; I worried about him.  He's not afraid of anything though.  My old man thinks he can kick a shark's ass.  He probably could.  

As I got older, I went to the beach more often, but shied away from being in the water for long periods of time.  I'm not sure if I was just scared of sharks or more simply... THE UNKNOWN.  The problem with the ocean is... you can't see very far down... Especially off the coasts of the US.  And that scares the shit out of me.

I have the same problem with LAKES.  Lakes are creepy as hell.  One time in High School, I was staying with a friend who lived just outside of Scranton, PA.  There was a huge lake in front of his house.  They had a dock and this awesome homemade raft tied to it.  He and his father built the raft out of wood planks and barrels.  He asked if I wanted to take the raft out.  I said, "Sure" cause I didn't want to sound like a sissy.  So we jump on, untie the rope, grab the oars, and paddle out to the middle of the lake.

It took a while to get out there.  We picked a nice, serene spot and dropped the anchor (yes, this thing had an anchor; it was that big).  If Jack and Rose had this sucker on the Titanic, that bullshit story would have been told from a man's perspective and definitely rated R.

This place was beautiful.  Robert Frost poems were running through my mind.  Other people were far off on boats and rafts.  I was thinking, "Man, this is the life."  We proceeded to take our shirts off to catch the day's last rays of sun because it was going down.  We were out there less than a minute when I said, "What the hell are we supposed to do out here?"  My buddy shrugged his shoulders and said, "Yeah, this sucks... let's head in."  I say "Okay." 

As I turned around to pick up an oar, I hear a splash.  He jumped into the water.  I scream, "Where the fuck are you going?"  He turns to me and says, "Let's swim in... I do it all the time."

"NO FUCKING WAY!" I yell.  "Don't be a pussy" he replies... and starts swimming in.  FUCK!  I was not a happy camper.  There was no way I could paddle this MONSTROSITY to shore by my lonesome; it was a two man operation.  I started to freak out.

As I watched my asshole friend, who was on the swim team by the way, move with relative ease through the water I thought, "You can do this."  Then I looked up and saw how far away the dock was... Bad news.  At the very least it was a quarter of a mile, probably way more.  I'd never swam that far in my life.  My diaper needed to be changed immediately.

I took a deep breath, stepped back, and with a running start dove into the dark abyss.  Honestly, I don't think I looked up once.  I couldn't hear anything but my breathing.  I pushed forward and kept my head moving side to side while my arms made quick strokes.  I was like Michael Phelps cutting through the calm water of a Beijing pool.  I felt like something was chasing me.  I'm obviously insane.  Before I knew it, I was feeling muck and underwater plants touching my arms and legs.  I stopped swimming and stood up.  I was in less than a foot of water and had mud all over me.  The dock was two feet from my face.

Up on the dock my buddy was laughing hysterically.  I looked up, shot him a death stare and said, "Go FUCK yourself."  He looked down at me and said he'd never seen anyone that scared in his entire life.  He also said it was the quickest he'd ever seen anybody make it back from that far out.  I didn't give a shit.  I was pissed.  If he was in the water, I would have drowned his ass.

Two years ago I went to the Galapagos Islands.  I swam with penguins, sharks, dolphins and all kinds of underwater creatures for hours.  I was scared, but I figured this was an opportunity I couldn't pass up.  It was an amazing experience.  I also climbed a 60 foot cliff with the natives and jumped off, but that's another story altogether.

I owe thanks to my buddy for stranding me in the middle of the lake that day.  I conquered fears I never wanted to face.  And what happened was... I realized it was okay to be afraid of the unknown, but you can't let it hold you back from experiencing what's out there.  Life is all about experience my friends.