I AM AN ACTOR...

First of all, shut the fuck up.  I've always hated when people say "I'm an actor" and I couldn't tell why until now.  Just because you're in an acting class, doesn't mean that you're an ACTOR.  Just because you did 12 USC short films for what you called "honing the craft" doesn't exactly get you a seat next to DiCaprio at the Oscars.

I rented a truck the other day to move my new bed and a few other household appliances into my house.  Does that mean I can call myself a certified fucking TRUCK DRIVER?  No assholes.  My unbelievably hard working father drove a truck for 35 years to keep food on the table.  One night at a bar the old man grabs a microphone and sings New York, New York by Ole Blue Eyes, but the fucking guy never called himself a singer.

I recently almost became an ACTOR.  Yeah, I moved to LA to become an actor... what an original story.  I bet you can't wait to hear what I say next?  Yeah me neither.  I should just end it here, but due to the fact that I have nothing else to do and I am the captain of LOSERDOM, I will continue to embarrass myself and all of you.

So back to the Actor... Since I've lived in LA, almost 5 years now, I have never been able to call myself an actor.  Yeah, I took an IMPROV class.  Nope, not an actor.  Yeah, I was in somewhere around 25 short films, 2 of which were in major film festivals where real actors and producers actually saw them, but I still never called myself an actor.

I recently have had a few lines in couple of movies that will come out sometime next year and I was compensated quite nicely, thank you very little.  So, I was out the other night and some broad asks me, "What do you do?"  My least favorite question by the way.  After fighting back the urge to punch her square in the yoga-toned jaw I say, "I'm an actor".  She says, "That's great! Me too".  Then while removing chards of glass from my skull cause I broke my perfectly good bottle of beer over my own head just to get her away from me I realized, "Maybe that bitch is an actor?"

I've never understood why people feel so cool telling people that they are actors.  Is it that cool to be unemployed?  Is it that cool to be an actor?  Well it is if you are getting PAID!  At least if you tell folks that you work in a bar, they will want to be your friend cause there is a shot at some free drinks.  You might even get laid.  Hint, hint... It has worked for me.  You should try it.

The moral of the story is... You're not a writer unless someone is reading your shit and you're getting paid for it.  You're not an actor unless someone is paying you to act like the douche bag you are... On screen/stage of course (pro bono theater actors are exempt because theater actors have huge iron nuts).  And you're not a truck driver unless you have a CD and or know my Dad.  So I guess I can now call myself an actor, but I still shy away from it.  I tell people I have a full-time job, which I do.  I am not an ACTOR... yet.