I AM JUST TRYING...

To meet a NICE GIRL.  According to my friends, this was my go-to pickup  line in college.    The sad thing was, not only did I mean it... it actually worked.  My friends made fun of me ALL the time.  They couldn't believe women were falling for it.  Needless to say, I met a lot of nice girls.

Do people still use pickup lines?  "Hey baby, those jeans would look a lot better on my floor".  I hope a slap follows that comment.  If you say shit like that, you are officially a Division 1 Dirtbag and probably haven't been laid since "GOONIES" was in the theater.

These days I never spark up conversations with women I don't know.  I usually just stand by like a pussy and watch my courageous friends make asses out of themselves... or score effortlessly like PELE' with a bicycle kick.  If I'm lucky, one of the girls in a group that my friend has without question asked to go "to lunch" with him tomorrow migrates over to me.  Usually I am sipping my womanly cocktail pretending to be not cool, which today means... TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL.  It's really a bullshit move, but whatever... it can be effective. 

 

This is when I am at my best.  The girl is vulnerable.  I find it much easier to pick up the slack after someone else has already failed.  Expectations are much lower.  If I ever get results, it's because the intelligent, or nice girl knew when to get away.  Does this make me a loser... absolutely.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not shy.  I can talk it up with the best of them.  Sometimes I flat out never shut the fuck up.  If you have interesting shit to say, nobody cares.  For example:  "I went to Ecuador last spring and harpooned a NATIVE."  "My father was a hitman."  "I just escaped from PRISON and my Grandmother is Judy Garland."   These things are memorable. 

 

I've always hated when people spark up the conversation with, "What do you do?"  It makes me want to sit on a bicycle without a seat.  Perhaps it's because I'm not proud of what I currently do.  Yup.  One time I had a friend visiting me from back East and we were having dinner with the family I was staying with at the time.  The first question the Queen of the household asked her was none other than, "What do you do?"  And she simply said, "I don't".  I laughed my ass off.  I wish everybody said this to anyone that asks that question.  Honestly, I don't care as long as you are passionate about it, but you can tell me later... much later. Tell me about your parents and why your Mom threw your Dad's clothes onto the front lawn back in 93' after he had gone away for the entire weekend unannounced.  That is some interesting shit.

I also hate when women ask, "What kind of car do you drive?"  Yes, women have actually asked me this question.   What is this the fucking 80's?  So, I answer honestly and say, "I drive an old school beater."  Does this mean I'm not rich?  Bingo.  Well... not yet.  One time a girl asked me this a few years back and I give the old school beater comment and she says "Really?"...  I respond with, "Even if I had money I'd rather be driving that, than one of those Range Rovers that every other asshole drives."  A few minutes later we were all leaving the bar and I see that same girl get into her Range Rover.  Blew that one... Big time.  I'm pretty sure I was better off because anyone that asks you that question sucks at life.  Maybe I should move to New York where people don't drive cars.

So am I still trying to meet a NICE girl... perhaps, or maybe I've already met her.  Maybe I just don't care anymore.  A lot of nice girls have come and gone like faces in the halls.  Your time will come, as will mine, but for now, I'm all set with dying old, alone, and in the dark.  It's much safer there.