I AM A SALESMAN...

but apparently not a very good one.  In a city where people live and die by selling themselves and anything else they can get their hands on, I better step my game up.  And for you other swindlers out there, how about you get your hands out of your pockets, stop reaching for your business cards and sell me something I can use for once... a STRIPPER pole would be nice.  People are always selling something...  Shoes, cars, financial advice, stocks, bonds, office equipment and more importantly their souls.

How does one decide to become a salesman?  Maybe when you were 8, your lemonade stand grossed the most capital on the block... Or when you were 13, you sold the most SNICKERS bars for your little league baseball team's fund-raiser... Or when you were in college, you convinced the most women to sleep with you, doubtful...  Or even better, you could bullshit your way out of any situation known to man.  But, like my Dad always said, "You can't bullshit and bullshiter, and son, I ain't buying it."

I never understood the whole DOOR to DOOR thing.  Historically, this method of sales was used so people had access to the same products available at large discount stores that they might not be able to find nearby.  The sales company, traditionally, is supposed to call beforehand to let you know they plan on paying you a visit.  Really?  People actually invited some wacky salesperson over their house?  I don't know about you, but as soon as I hear a sales call, I hang up before the person even completes a sentence.  And how the hell did they get my number when it's unlisted?  Some SNAKE over at the phone company probably sold me down the river.  With cell phones being such a big part of our everyday lives, they can now catch you anywhere.  That sucks, but luckily the whole door to door thing is not practiced all that often anymore... well at home it's not, but in the workplace... forget about it.

These clowns always come into my place of employment with their shirts tucked into their dockers, cheap shoes, and too much cologne and to their chagrin, I'm ready for them.  I usually say, "Not interested" before they can get both feet through the door.  Some leave defeated with their heads down and others are like a dog with a frisbee... they never let go.  And the ones that sneak in without me noticing are always close talkers.  They try and get as up close and personal as they possibly can.  As we've already learned, this is a huge problem for me.  I hate close talkers just about as much as I hate Elizabeth Hasselbeck.  I mean, do you really need to be sitting on my lap to sell me a steam cleaner for my carpet?

What I've come to understand is that it doesn't matter if you look like you're in the market for a new set of steak knives... or if you're ready to find someone new to manage your portfolio... or if your floors are that fucked up.  It makes no difference who you are because they are trying to sell this craziness to everyone.  You (the consumer) are not special.  You are a target and 90% of the time we don't want what they're selling.  That's why they're coming to us and not the other way around.  They are trying to force feed an already spoiled enough nation some more horseshit that we probably don't need.  Why don't they come around with girl scout cookies?   The world would be a much nicer place and I would buy them every time, especially SOMOAS.  Or wouldn't it be nice if a salesperson came in with some athletic socks, boxer briefs, or even a wide arrangement of beanies for my extremely large head?  I would be sold before they even got to their pitch.

Truthfully, I don't know how we do it.  Sales has to be the worst field of work on the face of the Earth.  I think I'd rather be an ASTRONAUT... and reentering the Earth's atmosphere scares the ever loving shit out of me.  So many people I know are in sales.  It's an important profession.  I do in fact respect some salesmen.  Yes we need cars, knives, and all that other shit, just don't push it.  Be nice, but not too nice.  We're not friends, so don't act like one.  I feel it's extremely important to be yourself... even as a salesmen.  Especially when you are selling some poor schlep a new carpet cleaner so that he can remove his wife's cat's piss stains... Be yourself.  If you do so, he just may buy it, but be careful... he may drink the shit to kill himself... or just feed it to the cat.

There's irony here.  I work in sales, so I am somewhat trashing myself, but I never push anything on anybody.  I also want to work in the film industry where we are forced to sell ourselves like $50 hookers in Atlantic City.  What most salespeople don't understand is that they are probably selling their product to another person that works in the same field.  My point is... Everyone is a salesperson.  You can't bullshit a bullshitter so don't lose your integrity just to move a product...  especially if the product is YOU.  I just refuse to lose sight of who I am and what I stand for.  If you don't like my writing, my acting, the art I'm trying to sell, or who I am as a human being... don't let the DOOR hit you in the ass.