I AM A MAN THAT TRULY RESPECTS...

the idea of personal space.  Have you ever been in line at the movies or at a Starbucks (I don't drink coffee, but I have been there) and actually felt the HEAT from the person behind you?  I will never, and I mean NEVER understand this.  Have you ever been at Best Buy and a guy is standing 3 inches behind you, impatiently waiting for you not to pick up the last copy of "A Clockwork Orange?"  I usually pump-fake a few times like I'm going to grab it or just pick it up and take a few laps around the comedy section before putting it back. 

 

A friend of mine has been around the world and back.  She told me that in parts of Europe and Asia, personal space is non-existent.  It's very common, not disrespectful to be all over the stranger next to you.  That's great, but guess what pal, this is America, not Europe or Asia.  If I come to your country and stand or sit too far away from you, then you can yell at me.

If I can feel your hot, cigarette/coffee stinking, baby diaper breath singeing the wolfman hairs on my neck... YOU ARE TOO FUCKING CLOSE TO ME!  Back the hell up and buy a pack of Trident!  If I can feel your privates on the back of my leg, seriously... you have issues.   Sometimes I get so pissed after being out in public that I want to make an appointment with a shrink.  Am I crazy?  I don't think so.

And it's always MEN that do this.  How come it's never a Penthouse Pet or Jennifer Morrison from "House" breathing down my neck?  Do you really want to be that close to me?  I wish they would...

Now as a human being that takes great pride in hygiene and hates the smell of BUMS... I think I understand why they stink.  Basically, they are saying, "Stay Back" with their b.o.  Yes they are unemployed, homeless and don't have access to a shower.  Yes they look like they've been playing WAR since they were 14.  Yes they sleep in the street, but they might just have the right idea.  Most people avoid bums.  Maybe they just want to be left alone after you give them 13 cents.  Maybe I should never shower again.  It would be a daunting task, but I might try it.

The worst personal space invasions happen in the movie theater.  So you go to a 2:30pm showing of some silly comedy and sit toward the front... like 6 rows from the screen.  You and your buddy or date then decide to sit near the end of the row so that nobody sits near you.  Perfect!  You've found an empty row!  There are literally 150 open seats in the theater and some freak-show stumbles in late and sits right next to you or even worse right in front or BEHIND you.  Again with the HEAT.  And of course this peasant has a huge bucket of popcorn, Skittles that he's dropping all over the floor and to top it off... he has a cold and is sniffling like a third grader.  That's it.  The movie ends up sucking no matter what you do.  It's virtually impossible to get this clown out of your head.  He wins.  You lose... and just wasted 12 bucks.  What is wrong with people?   I should've just offered him a tissue made of sandpaper, a sawed off shotgun to shoot either me or himself and a first class ticket back to France. (Sorry France, you guys make great films).