I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND...

Trust me, I'm not.  Have I called you lately to say Happy Birthday?  What are you doing this weekend?  How's Mom?  How about them Cowboys?  If not, then I'm probably not your FRIEND.

There are two extremes with me.  If you asked half of the people I have ever met in my life what I was like, they would probably say, "He's a great guy, polite, nice, handsome... yada yada."   If you asked the other half, they might say, "He's a complete fucking prick."  How do I know this you ask?  No, I'm not out there doing a poll; I'm an egotistical fucking maniac, just like you.  Moving on.

Friends are people you CARE about.  Chances are, if I'm ignoring you, there's a God Damned reason for it.  You probably suck.  Or maybe it's me, but I doubt it.

I find myself telling the TRUTH far too often.  I know that sounds nuts, but it's true.  Yes, if you are my friend, I have undoubtedly hurt your feelings at one point or another.  Trust me, that is a good sign.  If I have told you that you are acting like an asshole to your face, you're probably my friend.  If you and I have been in a FIST FIGHT, you are probably my friend.  If I have been at a bar with you, BOXED you out of a conversation, and didn't offer you a beer for the next round... you are definitely NOT my friend.  If you are a cute girl, and you just so happen to be sleeping with me and I tell you, "This is just sex".  I mean just that.  I don't want to be friends, partners, or anything with you.  I just want to sleep with you!

The hardest thing I've had to learn in my short time on Earth is NOT everyone is going to like you.  My Mom used to say it all the time.  I ignored her with disbelief, but damn it she was right.  A lot of people don't like me.  I don't get it, but it happens... a lot.  Many people don't think I'm funny.  I can't fathom it, but they're not laughing.  Now what my Mom forgot to tell me, is that I'm not going to like everybody I meet either.  And with that being said, I HATE you.  Yes you, you fucking worthless piece of shit.  Get a job!  (I don't think I'm looking in the mirror).  Just because we went to High School together doesn't mean we're friends.  Just because we played little league together doesn't mean I'm inviting you to Thanksgiving fucking dinner!

I am still a nice guy and complete fucking prick... two must have ingredients of a human being, but can also be a frat boy from hell.  I wanted to bring this topic to light because real friends are priceless, like an old school Nintendo.  They don't always work for you, but if you blow on them enough, they will hop to it.