I AM STARTING TO THINK...

that men should pee sitting down.  Whenever you go into a bathroom and there is PISS all over the seat, it's always a man's fault.  Are we so lazy that we can't even pick up the damn seat to take a leak?  Think about it for a second... Men pee standing up.  During this process, a nice bacteria filled mix of water and urine splashes up onto the floor, the rim of the bowl, underneath the seat and even a little onto your new kicks.  If you leave the seat down and start pissing, it's a cleaning nightmare and even worse for the person that has to go after you.  If you were sitting down none of this would ever happen.

The issue of a man putting the toilet seat down when there is a woman in the house would be no longer.  Your significant other would never fall in when she gets up to pee in the middle of the night.  You will never have to worry about pissing in 6 different directions after sex or when you wake up in the morning.  You will never run into your bathroom when you have the BUBBLE GUTS and sit down on a wet seat again.  If we just sat down to pee...

The thing that troubles me most about peeing while standing is what public bathrooms look like.  It always looks like some dude with a 16 inch WANG was shooting his firehose all over the place.  What if you have to go #2?  Basically you're fucked, unless you have a bottle of MR. CLEAN in your pocket or some anti-bacterial wipes on hand.  Are women's public restrooms this dirty?  I sure hope not.  If so, maybe they have somebody in there peeing while standing up... I'd hate to be the one taking that girl home at the end of the night.

I spent a few months living and working in New York with a close friend that always peed sitting down.  Yes, this is a man... a grown ass man.  He insisted that everyone who went to the bathroom in his house had to be sitting.  Male or female, #1 or #2, it didn't matter.  He used to knock on the door, "You better be sitting down doing whatever it is you're doing in there."  I thought it was a bit weird at first, but eventually I totally understood him.  His bathroom was immaculate.  What a genius idea...  Dudes sitting down to take a piss!  So the whole time I was with him, while we were traveling around the country to promote our film, I picked up the habit of sitting while I peed.  And no matter where we were, I did it... and it felt nice... quite natural actually.

For a while after I returned to the left coast, I kept up this new, fun habit.  That Halloween, I had a party at my house.  I only had one bathroom at the time, so I was concerned with the cleanliness of my (unisex for the night) bathroom.  I have this rule about my bathroom... If you are a dude, and in MY house and we know each other, I can come into MY bathroom whenever the hell I want.  I don't care if you are showering, draining the weasel or taking the BROWNS to the SUPER BOWL... I want to be able to come in.  I know it sounds weird, but if I want to shower and you are pissing, I won't bother you... I'll just walk right by.  Or if I want a cleaning product from under the sink, I am coming in.  So if you don't want me in there, lock the door.

Halfway through the party I had to piss.  I saw one of my boys walk into the bathroom.  He was in there for a few minutes and I had to PEE bad.  At this point I was ready to hop into the shower to relieve myself.  So I give a little knock, "Yo, I'm coming in."  "Come on in" my boy said.  I walk in and what is he doing... STANDING UP AND PISSING WITH THE SEAT DOWN!  I wanted to choke him to death.  I go, "What the fuck are you doing?"  He says, "Taking a leak."  I say, "Pick the Damn seat up you scumbag... This isn't a TRUCK STOP!"  "My bad... I was just being lazy," he said.  I immediately banned him from using my bathroom for the rest of the night.  He was sentenced to pissing outdoors.  

I learned 2 things that night of the party... Even your friends can be inconsiderate assholes and I'd rather stop at an EXXON station bathroom off of the New Jersey Turnpike than sit down and pee at that guy's house.

Ahh...  Men sitting down while peeing.  What a great world this could be.  I can hear the birds chirping now...  Cleaner public restrooms.  No more pee on the walls in your bathroom.  No more arguments about who left the seat up.  No more sitting on wet seats.  No more pee on your feet... unless you get stung by a jellyfish.  I need to get back into this habit.  I wish this would've been the new trend for men, instead of that God Damned Faux-Hawk dudes are wearing these days.  Sitting down to piss is so much cooler.  It takes time and patience.  It's worth it though.  If you ever have to pee really bad, you should sit down and try it.  It's like nirvana... and you don't even have to wipe!  You could sit there forever.  No extra drops that you forgot to shake out end up in your undies.  Everything's in the bowl where it belongs...  And your bathroom will never look like a stall in Camden Yards ever again.